Estrangement Grief: Anyone else going through this?

Hi @annedodrill44, this is the perfect place to post your message. Loss can come in many forms and I'm sure you're grieving the loss of contact with your daughter and her family. How long has this been going on? Was the decision to break ties her decision?

I am so sorry you're going through this Anne... I went through it with my sisters years back. We grew up very close and they were older than me so I always looked up to them. They reacted negatively to some decisions I made in my life and didn't speak to me for 10 years. It was horrible and painful and I grieved every day. I know from having grown kids now how painful your situation is. Just don't give up. I sent my sisters cards for every birthday, Christmas, etc. I reminded them that I loved them and would always be right there when they were ready to talk. I wanted to give up when years of cards and letters went unanswered but my wife kept encouraging me to keep trying. Eventually they did come around and we healed and thankfully, had 5 years of being closer than ever and talking on the phone daily before my oldest sister passed. I am still very close to my other sister in Texas (I am in MN) and we talk daily. So I would also encourage you not to give up!! Sending positive thoughts and comfort your way!

Hi Michael,
What an encouraging story. I’m glad you shared it. It can be a real struggle to continue to show love when you get no response. May I ask how your sisters replied when they did decide to reach out and respond to your contact?

I have experienced the same thing. My granddaughter got married a couple of weeks ago. Even though I received an invitation to the wedding, I was told by my son that I should not make plans to attend because I was not welcome. How do you deal with this?

I, too, have an estranged daughter. I have come to the conclusion that I have done everything I could possibly to rectify this, and there is nothing I can do to change the past. The ball is in her park and I have to go on with MY life. It’s difficult. I feel for you. I am hearing more and more about this with many friends, and am thinking this is a trend among younger people.

I am also going thru estrangement from my daughter . She's 29 years old living with my ex husband for the last 7 years . I have 2 kids from my marriage 29, 30 . My divorce was bitter and very difficult . My kids were 13 and 14 when i asked for the divorce . While going thru the divorce my ex husband turned my son against me told him a whole bunch of lies which my son believed ( i think at this time ) My son wanted nothing to do with me and i didn't hear from him for 6 years . When my son turned 20 we started talking again and now i can honestly say that we have a loving great relationship and i coulnt be happier . My daughter suffers from anxiety and depression and currently lives with her dad . Until recently we've talked and texted on the phone then all of the sudden she decided that she doesn't want me in her life . It's extremely painful . I cry all the time basically and want to get on with my life but don't know how . For me finding a good therapist has helped but still some days are very difficult. I totally understand what you're going thru . My wish for you is may you find resilience to live a happy life and don't give up . Continued blessings..

In my humble opinion I would not let this become an issue. Just don't go and don't worry about it even though it hurts you.

My oldest son died a year and a half ago. It tore the whole family apart - he was my rock. Since then, my younger son has felt the need to criticize my parenting skills - says I treat him badly - but I feel he treats me badly. Can't seem to get a handle on this. I'm going to move out of the area to put some distance between us but it's breaking my heart. How can you not have depression in this type of situation. I was depressed before and getting better but now I feel helpless.

My husband died in an accident 2 years ago. My 33 year old son and girlfriend moved back to the area 5 months later. At first it was wonderful but slowly we could no longer communicate or even be together without anger and defensiveness. It WAS horrible. I can honestly say that as dark as my grief had gone losing my beloved husband, this took me lower than i imagined possible. Therapist explained that this is very common due to family "dynamics" once an integral piece of the family is removed. But that didnt make it easier. My daughter, 36 and living 2 hours away, begged him to go to counseling with me but he refused so i spent many a session with my grief therapist talking about my son. It is slowly getting more civil but the bitterness and pain of all the awful things WE said to each other is hard to forget. i am trying to lower my expectations for our relationship and yes, I moved to the town next door so we were not so "entangled". I really feel for you---I can only imagine if it had been my daughter that had died and then how i might feel. May i ask, do you have the support of their father? So often I just wailed to my dead husband because i had no one to help me through it. SO complex and awful. You do your best to get through the grief that brought you there and then THIS on top of it??? I am SO SORRY. Please try to find some counseling and see if he will go too. My therapist helped me to respond vs react to so much of the ugliness that my son and his GF threw at me. Also just having someone non judgemental to listen to my story helped immensely. One note, something my therapist helped me to see and to remember was that raising our son was always difficult--beginning at 13. His older sister was always easy. I guess it just helped having that pointed out somehow.

@jazzme, it sounds like both you and your younger son I hurting. I sending a gentle embrace to hold your hurt, if only for a minute. Was your relationship closer before the tragic loss of your oldest son?