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Fellow caregiver's - I need help, what do I look for in a sitter?
OK, this one is harder than I thought. I'm in over my head. I thought finding a sitter would be a simple matter. Well, it's not. In my efforts to find one I've discovered that this is a very lucrative business...for the supposed sitters. So fellow caregivers, a little advice please. Is there a check list somewhere to go by? What are the obvious red flags? How do you know if someone is telling the truth? How do you match up a potential caregiver with your loved one? What is the going rate to pay per hour? I need to know anything and everything about this process. Here's the background information - Husband is undiagnosed, by his choice, (he does know something is wrong) but more than a couple of people who are qualified to diagnose have indicated their belief that he does indeed have some type of dementia. Our own doctor whom we have been with for multiple decades is one of those. I guess he's qualified although I understand that dementia is becoming a very specialized thing these days. I digress. He does have some form of dementia, I'm certain of that. I can no longer leave him alone to go anywhere and he's reluctant to leave the property. There are times I need to leave home and he's making it impossible. The last several times I left him by himself he made some really bad choices. The worst was him going out onto the roof, three level house, to inspect the roof and clean the gutters with the leaf blower. I consider this as very dangerous for a 78 YO with multiple health issues. So this all boils down to a safety issue. I can't leave him alone and he is no longer willing to leave the property. I'm stuck.
You would think family would be an option when needing help. We have one family member within reasonable driving distance who visits occasionally and thinks that my husband "seems fine." We have several other family member who have picked up on the fact that husband has changed, and they haven't been to visit in a long long time, but now would like to become besties for an hour or so. One son offered to drive 6 hours each way, with a three year old strapped into a car seat, to spend an hour visiting, (he and his wife are raising their grandchild,) another offered to buy my husband a plane ticket and rent him a car to come visit them. You can't make this stuff up, it's real. The one offering the plane ticket and rental car doesn't even know that his dad hasn't been driving for a couple years now. Long story short, they'd like something handed to them.
Back to the problem at hand. I need some in home help and I need to have a clue how to go about this. I'm open for suggestions here, there's got to be an easier way of researching this information than what I've been trying to do. I typed in some information for my area and came up with a list of options, but when I started making calls and checking them out online, I was really disappointed and dismayed.
Please share what you know. I don't know how this works yet, but some of you do and can guide me through the process I hope. I appreciate you all for your wisdom and your willingness to share, thank you. ~ Another Day
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I would first say , try to find a company like visiting angels or etc. .that would seem to be where you could feel safer and more secure than with a individual that you don’t really know anything about ! Plus the people working for those types of businesses would more than likely have been through about every scenario with challenged persons . If places like that are too expensive , your problems are going to be hard to fix ! As for family or friends ..... hah good luck ! A lot of people will sacrificially offer to help .... until you call them . Sadly that is the way of today’s people . My best friend ( one doesn’t get many of those anymore ) is going through the same issues with his mom as I am with my wife . He and his partner own a industrial electric company , and I cannot imagine the stress he goes through burning both ends of those candles ! We finally got a chance to talk on the phone a couple of days ago ( no more after work get togethers are possible ) , and he was saying the same as what I just said , help just isn’t out there ! An old friend of my wife was trying to get ahold of us about a year ago , wanting to visit with Gerri . We ,or I don’t have FACEBOOK but she finally connected with one of our sons through that route . Gerri was just at the start of her Dementia problems then and our son explained that she was forgetful and had trouble communicating ,BUT she kept insisting that she wanted to see her ! So we connected with her and her husband and took them out for lunch . I thought things went pretty good and so forth , but that was a LONG time ago and after all the desire to meet etc . We never heard from them after that visit !!! Be sure of this fact .... when people say “ we are here for you “ ..... they usually mean ...., “ glad it’s you and not me “ !! If you are a BELIEVER ( and I hope that you are) pray to Jesus for help and patience because he will not let you down ! And don’t look for instant results or response either ,but do stay firm ! I am sorry that this was not a very nice response to your post BUT it was honest !
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8 ReactionsOh and even regarding churches.... I have heard some people talking about trying to get help from them . After being told that ,YES ..... we are here to help you .... numerous calls to those so-called houses of GOD went UNANSWERED ! Basically my wife and I do church at home with certain televangelist who are Godly pastors and preach the truth ! We have run the route of many local churches and in so many ways have been disappointed and occasionally disgusted ! Another sad part of today’s world !
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3 Reactions@slysi - Thank you for your very heartfelt response. I could feel your frustrations as I read through your advice. You are 100% right about family...and friends. The one couple who we used to enjoy going to church together, out to eat, and just socialize with have their own problems now. She's developed cancer and the treatments have now taken her short term memory, so he has his hands full. Church - whew, that's a biggie. No help coming from that direction either although we do still get letters requesting money that this person or that person can go on a mission. My husband's best long time friend dropped away, he at least was honest though, said he couldn't stand to see what's happening to my husband and wants to remember him the way he was. We are Christians, the last church we attended together sent a couple of fellows out to visit, we weren't home, but they were highly interested in what was on the property. We didn't go back to that church and haven't been to another since. I talk with God all of the time, I know I wouldn't have made it this far if He wasn't propping me up or carrying me at times. I'm searching through recommended reading for the advice you just shared. I knew I could come here for it, someone would give me direction. Thank you.
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5 ReactionsI did a lot of looking into possibilities of things or so forth that might help with the dementia! 3 doctors recommended Turmeric ... did zilch ,except for smelly breath ... then we were told to try lions mane mushroom supplements...another flop producing stinky bowels only ..No meds help ! I have seen good improvement by having certain seafood meals twice per week ( do a search on that and see which fish help more and use wild caught ).... also try to get your mate to read more ,it is a form of exercise for the mind ..... also find things he likes to do ...crossword and other puzzles . We also watch old music videos on YouTube From groups and bands of our time ( when music was not just noise ) Fleetwood Mac, Eagles,Bee Gees, etc . , Gerri really loves to watch and listen to them ! I would guess they also add to memory help ? A supplement we both take that I believe has helped both of us health wise is ....Force Factor Beet tablets ! It increases blood flow ( they recommend 4 per day but we only take 2 with good results ) I hope this info will help you and yours !GOD bless you
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4 ReactionsI would agree that using the services of an agency would be helpful and reliable. There are different categories of caregivers through agencies, such as companion/sitter,
Dementia care, Housekeepers, etc. Agencies can be expensive but the vetting is done for you. Agencies usually have a minimum amount of hours as opposed to 24/7. A break is so important. I am caregiver to my 89 year old mother, now in her seventh year of Alzheimer’s. It is a journey no one wants to take. I have respite caregiving three days a week, four hours a day. That break has saved my life. My mantra is compassion,
patience and love. Cheers and best wishes to you.
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7 Reactions@anotherday I think you are doing the best you can. In your wildest dreams/nightmares you never could have seen all of this coming. But you are handling everything so well! Now, let’s see if we can help.
1. The AARP website has a lot to offer. Check out they’re section on caregiving.
https://www.aarp.org/
They walk you through deciding what you need and where to get it. They also describe the importance of the interview. You might check out you local Agency on Aging to see if there is an AARP office nearby.
2. Talk with the Agency on Aging to see what advice and suggestions they can give.
3. Senior Centers in your area may also be helpful.
4. AARP will also suggest that you work thru an agency. They will do all the background work for you.
@anotherday , you probably aren’t aware of the strength and inspiration that you give to all members of the caregiving group! You may not know it, but you have the admiration of all of us. Thank you.
Will you try calling these agencies? Let me know which is most helpful
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5 ReactionsAs much as possible, please find someone to help you. I was in a similar situation several months ago. Exhausted, no more patience, etc…
I found someone to help us through a local listserve. After talking to former employers and doing a background check, I hired this person to take care of my husband who has Lewy Bodies Dementia. It has been such a relief. I would recommend that you write a contract with what you expect the helper will do and the days he/she will work. Sick leave, vacations, etc… It protects you but also it protects the person you are hiring. I found a sample contract on Care.com or HomePay. Both sites have very valuable information, with the legal info by state. I am also using HomePay for the payroll.
I hope you will find someone soon. This road is so hard alone. Please take care of yourself.
Francoise
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8 ReactionsAlso, I think Home Pay or Care. Com have the average hourly rate by states. I pay $28.00/ hour in Maryland. On the higher range but the aide is very experienced.
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2 ReactionsI would recommend that you look up Seniorservices.com. They work with your insurance company and offer many services that are free!
I haven’t used their services yet but when thinking of a companion, I was asked if I had preferences. This really impressed me because this service is free.
I hope you get in touch with them and find the help you need.
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3 Reactions@fgp. Welcome to Mayo Clinic Connect. Your response was very helpful and is exactly what we do on Mayo Connect! Members help each other with suggestions of what has/has not worked for them. Thank you so much for jumping right in!
How did the person you hired work out?