1. < Caregivers: Dementia

My early morning optimism fades to irritation and resentment

Posted by chris20 @chris20, Oct 15, 2023

I start each day feeling upbeat but as I spend my day being shadowed and questioned constantly, scrutinized, and acting as a human calendar and clock and memory chip a hundred times a day or more, I am silently frustrated and angry by bedtime. I am sleep deprived and mentally exhausted. I have tried numerous remedies and gathered insights and ideas, but to no avail. Right now it's a pretty bleak outlook. There is little or no help from other family members, who have adamantly refused to take her to their home for even a week. They don't want to make her feel uncomfortable (separation anxiety if she is apart from me). I know, I am whining. All I can do is vent right now.

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Caregivers: Dementia Support Group.

chris20 | @chris20 | Oct 17, 2023

Thanks to Becky and Tim for these suggestions. The six week class in Powerful Tools for Caregivers looks good. I also applied for the research study, to connect with other caregivers in similar situations. It is most helpful to have these new ideas for tips and solutions, I appreciate it!

REPLY
marley411 | @marley411 | Oct 21, 2023

I go through that cycle—positive in the morning and utterly defeated at the end of the day. The cause of that downward spiral is usually a combination of my mother’s behaviors, my worry’s and fears, and my constant feeling that I handled a situation or issue poorly. I’m the only caregiver she trusts, and she gets very anxious when I’m not in sight.

One change I made is moving my workout time to late afternoons. It’s a recent change, but it seems to keep me from bottoming out.

And I also remind myself that I get to start over the next day. I think it’s ok that we go through these cycles. I hold on tightly to those positive moments.

REPLY
2 replies
Mentor
Becky, Volunteer Mentor | @becsbuddy | Oct 21, 2023
In reply to @marley411 "I go through that cycle—positive in the morning and utterly defeated at the end of the..." + (show)
@marley411

I go through that cycle—positive in the morning and utterly defeated at the end of the day. The cause of that downward spiral is usually a combination of my mother’s behaviors, my worry’s and fears, and my constant feeling that I handled a situation or issue poorly. I’m the only caregiver she trusts, and she gets very anxious when I’m not in sight.

One change I made is moving my workout time to late afternoons. It’s a recent change, but it seems to keep me from bottoming out.

And I also remind myself that I get to start over the next day. I think it’s ok that we go through these cycles. I hold on tightly to those positive moments.

Jump to this post

@marley411 Just the fact that you care for your mother is a great thing in itself! Do you get breaks in the day, a chance to leave the house? Here is the link to a suggestion i gave out earlier:
https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/seeking-current-and-former-family-caregivers/
The Mayo Clinic is looking for caregivers, such as yourself, to assist in a study.
Does it look interesting to you?

REPLY
1 reply
chris20 | @chris20 | Oct 21, 2023
In reply to @becsbuddy "@marley411 Just the fact that you care for your mother is a great thing in itself!..." + (show)
@becsbuddy

@marley411 Just the fact that you care for your mother is a great thing in itself! Do you get breaks in the day, a chance to leave the house? Here is the link to a suggestion i gave out earlier:
https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/seeking-current-and-former-family-caregivers/
The Mayo Clinic is looking for caregivers, such as yourself, to assist in a study.
Does it look interesting to you?

Jump to this post

Thanks, yes I applied and was accepted for the caregiver study C2C. Hoping to begin to see viable solutions by participating.

REPLY
chris20 | @chris20 | Oct 22, 2023
In reply to @marley411 "I go through that cycle—positive in the morning and utterly defeated at the end of the..." + (show)
@marley411

I go through that cycle—positive in the morning and utterly defeated at the end of the day. The cause of that downward spiral is usually a combination of my mother’s behaviors, my worry’s and fears, and my constant feeling that I handled a situation or issue poorly. I’m the only caregiver she trusts, and she gets very anxious when I’m not in sight.

One change I made is moving my workout time to late afternoons. It’s a recent change, but it seems to keep me from bottoming out.

And I also remind myself that I get to start over the next day. I think it’s ok that we go through these cycles. I hold on tightly to those positive moments.

Jump to this post

Thanks, I think rescheduling some things may freshen things up a bit. I am blessed that the Seroquel helps her sleep late so I have about two hours of alone time most mornings.

REPLY
anotherday | @anotherday | Oct 24, 2023

Chris20 - This forum will save you in so many ways. I have tried to remain upbeat and positive, but am currently in a slump, maybe a bit of depression, so I think I can relate to your situation as well. Like you, we do have relatives, but zero help. They would like a little money though...or something of value. I finally realized that these "relatives" were better kept at a distance when for years they had no interest in visiting, only when they got wind of husband's "changes" did they get hot for some one on one time. Guess I'm saying that you might just count that as a blessing that they don't want to come around. At least they're up front about it. I'm currently searching for someone I can TRUST to come in and take care of my husband for several hours. This needs to NOT be a relative, they've already shown their true selves. I really can't ask the church, we haven't been in years. He got uncomfortable going anywhere. We're home at least 6 out of 7 days most weeks with a mandatory run to take trash to the dumpsters, check the P.O. Box and take care of anything else that needs such as banking and or the grocery store or farmer's market. I was reminded recently to write my list of what I'm grateful for in my life and that actually does help. Write that list and review it often. I talk to God a lot throughout each and every day, that too helps. Don't forget He is always there, doesn't matter the hour or the circumstance. Then you've got this forum, there's some good people here and they know what you're up against. Most of them have already walked in those same shoes you're now in. They get it. I get it. Whine, vent, ask for suggestions....someone will chime in. You're not doing anything wrong, it's ok to feel the way you do, resentment and anger, disappointment that this is happening....tell me about it. He slept until 10:00 a.m. this morning and I was ecstatic. There's one I never imagined before all of this started. Write out what you're going through, it helps.

REPLY
1 reply
chris20 | @chris20 | Oct 24, 2023
In reply to @anotherday "Chris20 - This forum will save you in so many ways. I have tried to remain..." + (show)
@anotherday

Chris20 - This forum will save you in so many ways. I have tried to remain upbeat and positive, but am currently in a slump, maybe a bit of depression, so I think I can relate to your situation as well. Like you, we do have relatives, but zero help. They would like a little money though...or something of value. I finally realized that these "relatives" were better kept at a distance when for years they had no interest in visiting, only when they got wind of husband's "changes" did they get hot for some one on one time. Guess I'm saying that you might just count that as a blessing that they don't want to come around. At least they're up front about it. I'm currently searching for someone I can TRUST to come in and take care of my husband for several hours. This needs to NOT be a relative, they've already shown their true selves. I really can't ask the church, we haven't been in years. He got uncomfortable going anywhere. We're home at least 6 out of 7 days most weeks with a mandatory run to take trash to the dumpsters, check the P.O. Box and take care of anything else that needs such as banking and or the grocery store or farmer's market. I was reminded recently to write my list of what I'm grateful for in my life and that actually does help. Write that list and review it often. I talk to God a lot throughout each and every day, that too helps. Don't forget He is always there, doesn't matter the hour or the circumstance. Then you've got this forum, there's some good people here and they know what you're up against. Most of them have already walked in those same shoes you're now in. They get it. I get it. Whine, vent, ask for suggestions....someone will chime in. You're not doing anything wrong, it's ok to feel the way you do, resentment and anger, disappointment that this is happening....tell me about it. He slept until 10:00 a.m. this morning and I was ecstatic. There's one I never imagined before all of this started. Write out what you're going through, it helps.

Jump to this post

Thank you so much for your thoughtful response. It didn't occur to me that I am really better off without their help, so I see that is probably the case in my situation. I started a year ago making a gratitude list of five things I am grateful for. I now have a very long list of reasons to be positive no matter what. When I am in a dark mood, I review that list and it brings some uplifting, at least temporarily. Your encouragement means a lot. I too use prayer every day, especially the serenity prayer. Wisdom to know the difference between things we can change and things we cannot, is critical.

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