1. < Caregivers: Dementia

“In the midst of confusion, love is the only compass.”

Posted by frances007 @frances007, Oct 2, 2023

Hello, I am writing today because as you may know, I am a caregiver for my 84 year old friend who has dementia. I attend to her everyday, prepare meals, feed the cat, ensure she takes her medication and things of that nature. I do this alone and without compensation, and I have been doing well with the situation until today. My friend once had a beautiful ring that she gave me because my fingers are just as small as hers were when she could wear it. After several months and before she became demented, she asked that I return the ring, which I did. Last night I was in her bathroom and noticed that the ring was not in its usual place so I asked her what had become of the ring. Suffice to say I did not sleep last night because there are circumstances beyond my control with respect to the subject ring. Today my friend, Joyce, told me that she had given it to another friend, the woman who was the subject of an investigation by Adult Protective Services. Many of "us" suspected that this person was stealing money and items from Joyce, I notified the bank and they were the ones who contacted Adult Protective Services. I spoke at great length to the social worker and expressed my valid concerns about this other woman because she is the reason that Joyce has no financial security, presently. The woman cleaned her out and that is why they split up. For reasons I am unable to wrap my head around, I cannot understand why Joyce continues to place this person on a pedestal. The fact that she gave her this ring deeply hurt me because she had assured me that she would return it to me after she was done looking at it, again pre dementia. There is no reason other than the fact that this woman probably wanted to sell the ring, for her to have it, because it was too small for her fingers and even if she tried to have it resized, it would not have looked right on her hand, as she is a large woman with big hands. The subject ring was small and was designed for a small person, like myself and Joyce. Joyce was unable to explain to me why she gave away the ring, and that is okay. However, just a couple of weeks ago I caught this woman red handed taking things from Joyce and I told her that if anything else belonging either to myself or Joyce goes missing, I would file a police report and contact Adult Protective services. She responded that she would forward my "threatening" message to a niece who works at the DA's office, and I responded, "please do." I understand that situations like this are common, but that does not make it any easier for me. Yes, I accept that Joyce is no longer the "Joyce" I grew to love and spend time with. I never anticipated being in the "parent" position, and in all honesty I wish I could back off. However, Joyce has no one else who is willing to do the things that I do for her. While I had hoped to take a break and go stay with my sister, whose husband also has advanced dementia, an invitation has not been extended and I am not planning to ask again if and when I may come up for a visit.
I feel some guilt about the fact that I need a break. On the other hand, I know that I am doing the right thing by taking care of her because I have a big heart. Maybe it is too big.
After talking to Joyce on the phone earlier I became very upset and actually felt hurt by the fact that the subject ring was given to someone who I believe is taking advantage of Joyce's mental state. It is not the ring, it is the fact that she apparently does not feel the same way about me as she does for the woman who I will call a female lethario (from Shakespeare).
Recently Joyce has been telling me about the things in her apartment that "the other woman" wants when Joyce dies. She says things like, "so and so has "dibs" on that, so you cannot have it." Please keep in mind that I have not asked Joyce for anything, but have suggested that if there are certain things of hers that she wants to give to certain people, she needs to write it down so that there is no confusion in the event of her death.
We had plans to celebrate my birthday next Monday, but I told her today that I did not want to celebrate my birthday with anyone, and made up an excuse that I have a doctors appointment. Why? Because I am saddened that this birthday will be totally unlike the birthdays we have celebrated for the past 10 years. My grief over the loss of her "friendship" is enormous, and as a result I would rather not spend the day with her. Fine, because I have had a bad year anyway in terms of my own health and in all fairness, I just want to go into deep cover.

Has anyone had a similar experience, and if so, how did you cope with this kind of loss?

Thank you

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Caregivers: Dementia Support Group.

Merry, Alumni Mentor | @merpreb | Oct 10, 2023
In reply to @frances007 "If You Tell the Truth You Never Have to Remember AnythingAs you know, I am taking..." + (show)
@frances007

<p>If You Tell the Truth You Never Have to Remember Anything</p><p>As you know, I am taking care of my very good friend, Joyce. Today also happens to be my birthday, and we both got a laugh out of the three birthday cards she gave to me, because I had purchased them for her a few weeks ago when she asked me to pick up some greeting cards for her. At least she remembered, LOL.</p><p>By the way, that quote is from Mark Twain, as I am sure you knew.</p><p>A huge light went off in my brain last night while I was channeling Martha Stewart, again. Whenever I tell my doctor or a friend about Joyce, they always ask me if she has any family. She has 2 sisters and a brother in another state. She has not contacted them in months, and instead another mutual friend has been in touch with them telling them that she is doing well and that "Fran is making sure she gets what she needs, does everything for her, and she is only having some "slips" in terms of her memory."</p><p>Well, all of us caregivers know what a "slip" is, right? I just turned 62 today and I have "slips" on occasion, and usually remember later where I have sat something down, like earlier when I was trying to find a gift card someone gave me today. Joyce is not having "slips" but rather is totally out of touch with reality, sadly.</p><p>I have obtained the telephone number for the sister who is most likely to listen to me and "hear" what I am planning to tell her when I call her later this week. I ask of you caregivers: Should I lay it all out, including the information I sent to Joyce's doctor in my letter to her last week, and to which she responded suggesting a video visit with Joyce so she does not have to "go to the doctor." I actually spoke to Joyce about this today, and while she was hesitant, I explained that I only want her to breathe a little easier so that she does not cause any further damage to her heart, right? I think I mentioned that I had told her doctor that I did not want to witness my friend having a heart attack in my presence.</p><p>Should I "tell" as in "tell"?</p><p>That's my now deceased dog. I would have asked her first, as I am sure you understand. Thank you very much</p>

Jump to this post

Good morning, Frances. It's very nice to meet you. I am always amazed at what some people do to help others because it seems so rare these days. And as @teacher502 says, you are a true Angel. wear this badge with pride!

Then call her sister. This is one thing that I've done too, but family needs to take care of their own unless they have serious problems too.

Good luck and please let us know how it goes. Do you have any idea what you are going to say or how you will approach the sister?

REPLY
1 reply
Mentor
Lori, Volunteer Mentor | @loribmt | Oct 10, 2023
In reply to @frances007 "If You Tell the Truth You Never Have to Remember AnythingAs you know, I am taking..." + (show)
@frances007

<p>If You Tell the Truth You Never Have to Remember Anything</p><p>As you know, I am taking care of my very good friend, Joyce. Today also happens to be my birthday, and we both got a laugh out of the three birthday cards she gave to me, because I had purchased them for her a few weeks ago when she asked me to pick up some greeting cards for her. At least she remembered, LOL.</p><p>By the way, that quote is from Mark Twain, as I am sure you knew.</p><p>A huge light went off in my brain last night while I was channeling Martha Stewart, again. Whenever I tell my doctor or a friend about Joyce, they always ask me if she has any family. She has 2 sisters and a brother in another state. She has not contacted them in months, and instead another mutual friend has been in touch with them telling them that she is doing well and that "Fran is making sure she gets what she needs, does everything for her, and she is only having some "slips" in terms of her memory."</p><p>Well, all of us caregivers know what a "slip" is, right? I just turned 62 today and I have "slips" on occasion, and usually remember later where I have sat something down, like earlier when I was trying to find a gift card someone gave me today. Joyce is not having "slips" but rather is totally out of touch with reality, sadly.</p><p>I have obtained the telephone number for the sister who is most likely to listen to me and "hear" what I am planning to tell her when I call her later this week. I ask of you caregivers: Should I lay it all out, including the information I sent to Joyce's doctor in my letter to her last week, and to which she responded suggesting a video visit with Joyce so she does not have to "go to the doctor." I actually spoke to Joyce about this today, and while she was hesitant, I explained that I only want her to breathe a little easier so that she does not cause any further damage to her heart, right? I think I mentioned that I had told her doctor that I did not want to witness my friend having a heart attack in my presence.</p><p>Should I "tell" as in "tell"?</p><p>That's my now deceased dog. I would have asked her first, as I am sure you understand. Thank you very much</p>

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Good morning, Frances. I’m nodding my head along with all the other members writing to you with advice for you and your friend. So I have nothing to add. But I did want to say Happy Birthday and thank you for being such a strong presence in the forum. You bring so many people together with your touching, life stories, your encouraging words of wisdom and compassion you have for others. I hope the joy you bring to the world is brought right back to you.
Will there be cake today? 🎂 💐

REPLY
frances007 | @frances007 | Oct 10, 2023
In reply to @merpreb "Good morning, Frances. It's very nice to meet you. I am always amazed at what some..." + (show)
@merpreb

Good morning, Frances. It's very nice to meet you. I am always amazed at what some people do to help others because it seems so rare these days. And as @teacher502 says, you are a true Angel. wear this badge with pride!

Then call her sister. This is one thing that I've done too, but family needs to take care of their own unless they have serious problems too.

Good luck and please let us know how it goes. Do you have any idea what you are going to say or how you will approach the sister?

Jump to this post

in reply to @merpreb Thank you so much. I have been listening to Carole King since I woke up, and that song of hers "Goin' Back" played, and as I listened to the lyrics, I went back to my laptop and restarted the song. Perhaps you are familiar with the song. The lyrics caused me to think about what I may say to Joyce's siblings now that I feel like a new person on a new mission. By the way, I just ordered Ms. King's autobiography and am looking forward to reading it.

I have been ironing for my sister because it is relaxing, and I am thinking about how to approach Joyce's sister, and what a difficult task this feels like, especially since I have been so close to Joyce for so many years, and now I am in a position of calling her siblings and telling them that their sister needs some help; this is not something I ever in my wildest dreams would have imagined doing, let alone for my best friend. I thought perhaps I would suggest a conference call with her brother as well, so that the three of us could discuss the ramifications of Joyce's current state of health and what she may need going forward. These siblings are familiar with the woman who I suspect is taking advantage of Joyce, and I am debating whether or not to address these concerns as well, They know that this person took Joyce to the cleaners years ago, thus the reason for the demise of their romantic relationship. I certainly do not want to cast any judgment upon anyone, but in all honesty it is difficult to separate everything into pieces. For example, every time I go over to Joyce's lately and comment on something beautiful in her apartment, just for the sake of conversation, and Joyce says: " so and so has "dibs" on that." Naturally I am astonished, but I suppose I should not be surprised. There is also the issue of the POA who is acting in "name" only. I have copied this person on all of my correspondence to the doctor and the bank, expressing all of my concerns, yet she continues to sit back and do nothing. As I was ironing, I thought to myself, "I feel physically sick over this and if I don't take care of this soon, I am going to get really sick." I am not being dramatic. I truly have a chronic and debilitating illness, have lost 7 pounds in the past week, and have zero appetite. Naturally, this is of concern to me. My labs today will tell me whether or not I need more iron infusions, I am exhausted and already thinking to myself how am I going to go over to Joyce's when I get home later this afternoon in order to take care of her needs. I have a lot on my plate currently, including a notice from the State about some tax lien that I have no clue about and need to contact them by the 12th so they do not take the money out of my bank account. I am sorry, I got off the point because my brain is in a tailspin.

I will introduce myself, I will explain what I have been doing for Joyce and I will describe the nature of her current condition. Just listening to her read the description of this past Sunday's 60 Minutes episode was heartbreaking enough. I think I mentioned I felt as though I were sitting next to a 4 year old learning to read. Joyce is an author, and has been a member of the California Writers Group for years, including the President of the same organization. I am afraid I will get upset, naturally. However, I do know that Joyce's siblings are very religious, and while I am not, I know what words to use in an effort to gain their confidence and reassure them that I have no ulterior motives at all in terms of Joyce. She handed me a $50 bill yesterday for my birthday and I tried to give it back to her. She insisted I keep it so I did. It is hidden away for some later date when I really want it.

I think that once I get the words I need out of my mouth, her siblings will "get it." THEN, I have to be prepared for the "fall out" if they decide to drive down here to see her. Joyce will be VERY UPSET and will want to know how they found out or why they are visiting. While all of this feels difficult, I am up to the task. I have to be. After all, no one else has the courage to do so, and I do. I am doing this out of great compassion, concern and humanity. It is the right thing to do, and God willing, I will do it the very best that I can no matter how difficult it may be. And in all honesty, I cannot think of anything in my life that feels so tasking, presently.

I am so grateful to all of you who are helping me navigate this journey without a map or compass. If not for all of you, I probably would have been in a free fall by now, seriously

REPLY
2 replies
Merry, Alumni Mentor | @merpreb | Oct 10, 2023
In reply to @frances007 "If You Tell the Truth You Never Have to Remember AnythingAs you know, I am taking..." + (show)
@frances007

<p>If You Tell the Truth You Never Have to Remember Anything</p><p>As you know, I am taking care of my very good friend, Joyce. Today also happens to be my birthday, and we both got a laugh out of the three birthday cards she gave to me, because I had purchased them for her a few weeks ago when she asked me to pick up some greeting cards for her. At least she remembered, LOL.</p><p>By the way, that quote is from Mark Twain, as I am sure you knew.</p><p>A huge light went off in my brain last night while I was channeling Martha Stewart, again. Whenever I tell my doctor or a friend about Joyce, they always ask me if she has any family. She has 2 sisters and a brother in another state. She has not contacted them in months, and instead another mutual friend has been in touch with them telling them that she is doing well and that "Fran is making sure she gets what she needs, does everything for her, and she is only having some "slips" in terms of her memory."</p><p>Well, all of us caregivers know what a "slip" is, right? I just turned 62 today and I have "slips" on occasion, and usually remember later where I have sat something down, like earlier when I was trying to find a gift card someone gave me today. Joyce is not having "slips" but rather is totally out of touch with reality, sadly.</p><p>I have obtained the telephone number for the sister who is most likely to listen to me and "hear" what I am planning to tell her when I call her later this week. I ask of you caregivers: Should I lay it all out, including the information I sent to Joyce's doctor in my letter to her last week, and to which she responded suggesting a video visit with Joyce so she does not have to "go to the doctor." I actually spoke to Joyce about this today, and while she was hesitant, I explained that I only want her to breathe a little easier so that she does not cause any further damage to her heart, right? I think I mentioned that I had told her doctor that I did not want to witness my friend having a heart attack in my presence.</p><p>Should I "tell" as in "tell"?</p><p>That's my now deceased dog. I would have asked her first, as I am sure you understand. Thank you very much</p>

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Frances- I had to listen to Carole King's song again to refresh my memory. lol. Make sure that yu are listening to her earlier work as he voice isn't what it used to be and I believe that she's remade some of her singles.

If I were you, I would mention and everything, especially someone who might be taking advantage of her! And I think that a conference call is the way to go. If they are going to step in, hopefully, and take care of a loving friend then they need to know everything. There isn't any reason that you can help every now and then too.

You might want to use Google for ideas. One time I had to google birthday cards because I couldn't think of anything to say. My brain just froze. And I found a perfect saying! lol

How are you feeling?

REPLY
1 reply
frances007 | @frances007 | Oct 10, 2023
In reply to @merpreb "Frances- I had to listen to Carole King's song again to refresh my memory. lol. Make..." + (show)
@merpreb

Frances- I had to listen to Carole King's song again to refresh my memory. lol. Make sure that yu are listening to her earlier work as he voice isn't what it used to be and I believe that she's remade some of her singles.

If I were you, I would mention and everything, especially someone who might be taking advantage of her! And I think that a conference call is the way to go. If they are going to step in, hopefully, and take care of a loving friend then they need to know everything. There isn't any reason that you can help every now and then too.

You might want to use Google for ideas. One time I had to google birthday cards because I couldn't think of anything to say. My brain just froze. And I found a perfect saying! lol

How are you feeling?

Jump to this post

in reply to @merpreb What a great idea! And of course, there is always IA. LOL.
How do I feel? To be perfectly honest, I feel like I could throw up, but there is nothing to come out, and we know what that feels like. Actually, I am feeling rather swell. The music, ironing is meditative for me and right now I am listening to Al Green. It is a perfect morning, and it is also Prime Day, and I have ordered three things. LOL

REPLY
1 reply
frances007 | @frances007 | Oct 10, 2023
In reply to @frances007 "If You Tell the Truth You Never Have to Remember AnythingAs you know, I am taking..." + (show)
@frances007

<p>If You Tell the Truth You Never Have to Remember Anything</p><p>As you know, I am taking care of my very good friend, Joyce. Today also happens to be my birthday, and we both got a laugh out of the three birthday cards she gave to me, because I had purchased them for her a few weeks ago when she asked me to pick up some greeting cards for her. At least she remembered, LOL.</p><p>By the way, that quote is from Mark Twain, as I am sure you knew.</p><p>A huge light went off in my brain last night while I was channeling Martha Stewart, again. Whenever I tell my doctor or a friend about Joyce, they always ask me if she has any family. She has 2 sisters and a brother in another state. She has not contacted them in months, and instead another mutual friend has been in touch with them telling them that she is doing well and that "Fran is making sure she gets what she needs, does everything for her, and she is only having some "slips" in terms of her memory."</p><p>Well, all of us caregivers know what a "slip" is, right? I just turned 62 today and I have "slips" on occasion, and usually remember later where I have sat something down, like earlier when I was trying to find a gift card someone gave me today. Joyce is not having "slips" but rather is totally out of touch with reality, sadly.</p><p>I have obtained the telephone number for the sister who is most likely to listen to me and "hear" what I am planning to tell her when I call her later this week. I ask of you caregivers: Should I lay it all out, including the information I sent to Joyce's doctor in my letter to her last week, and to which she responded suggesting a video visit with Joyce so she does not have to "go to the doctor." I actually spoke to Joyce about this today, and while she was hesitant, I explained that I only want her to breathe a little easier so that she does not cause any further damage to her heart, right? I think I mentioned that I had told her doctor that I did not want to witness my friend having a heart attack in my presence.</p><p>Should I "tell" as in "tell"?</p><p>That's my now deceased dog. I would have asked her first, as I am sure you understand. Thank you very much</p>

Jump to this post

in reply to @merpreb The song is the "newer" version of the "older" one. I could replay that song a dozen times and never tire of it, or this other song, Disney Girls by Art Garfunkel. Wow

REPLY
Mentor
Becky, Volunteer Mentor | @becsbuddy | Oct 10, 2023
In reply to @frances007 "in reply to @merpreb Thank you so much. I have been listening to Carole King since..." + (show)
@frances007

in reply to @merpreb Thank you so much. I have been listening to Carole King since I woke up, and that song of hers "Goin' Back" played, and as I listened to the lyrics, I went back to my laptop and restarted the song. Perhaps you are familiar with the song. The lyrics caused me to think about what I may say to Joyce's siblings now that I feel like a new person on a new mission. By the way, I just ordered Ms. King's autobiography and am looking forward to reading it.

I have been ironing for my sister because it is relaxing, and I am thinking about how to approach Joyce's sister, and what a difficult task this feels like, especially since I have been so close to Joyce for so many years, and now I am in a position of calling her siblings and telling them that their sister needs some help; this is not something I ever in my wildest dreams would have imagined doing, let alone for my best friend. I thought perhaps I would suggest a conference call with her brother as well, so that the three of us could discuss the ramifications of Joyce's current state of health and what she may need going forward. These siblings are familiar with the woman who I suspect is taking advantage of Joyce, and I am debating whether or not to address these concerns as well, They know that this person took Joyce to the cleaners years ago, thus the reason for the demise of their romantic relationship. I certainly do not want to cast any judgment upon anyone, but in all honesty it is difficult to separate everything into pieces. For example, every time I go over to Joyce's lately and comment on something beautiful in her apartment, just for the sake of conversation, and Joyce says: " so and so has "dibs" on that." Naturally I am astonished, but I suppose I should not be surprised. There is also the issue of the POA who is acting in "name" only. I have copied this person on all of my correspondence to the doctor and the bank, expressing all of my concerns, yet she continues to sit back and do nothing. As I was ironing, I thought to myself, "I feel physically sick over this and if I don't take care of this soon, I am going to get really sick." I am not being dramatic. I truly have a chronic and debilitating illness, have lost 7 pounds in the past week, and have zero appetite. Naturally, this is of concern to me. My labs today will tell me whether or not I need more iron infusions, I am exhausted and already thinking to myself how am I going to go over to Joyce's when I get home later this afternoon in order to take care of her needs. I have a lot on my plate currently, including a notice from the State about some tax lien that I have no clue about and need to contact them by the 12th so they do not take the money out of my bank account. I am sorry, I got off the point because my brain is in a tailspin.

I will introduce myself, I will explain what I have been doing for Joyce and I will describe the nature of her current condition. Just listening to her read the description of this past Sunday's 60 Minutes episode was heartbreaking enough. I think I mentioned I felt as though I were sitting next to a 4 year old learning to read. Joyce is an author, and has been a member of the California Writers Group for years, including the President of the same organization. I am afraid I will get upset, naturally. However, I do know that Joyce's siblings are very religious, and while I am not, I know what words to use in an effort to gain their confidence and reassure them that I have no ulterior motives at all in terms of Joyce. She handed me a $50 bill yesterday for my birthday and I tried to give it back to her. She insisted I keep it so I did. It is hidden away for some later date when I really want it.

I think that once I get the words I need out of my mouth, her siblings will "get it." THEN, I have to be prepared for the "fall out" if they decide to drive down here to see her. Joyce will be VERY UPSET and will want to know how they found out or why they are visiting. While all of this feels difficult, I am up to the task. I have to be. After all, no one else has the courage to do so, and I do. I am doing this out of great compassion, concern and humanity. It is the right thing to do, and God willing, I will do it the very best that I can no matter how difficult it may be. And in all honesty, I cannot think of anything in my life that feels so tasking, presently.

I am so grateful to all of you who are helping me navigate this journey without a map or compass. If not for all of you, I probably would have been in a free fall by now, seriously

Jump to this post

@frances007 I’m really admire you for taking on the task of caring for your friend and now explaining to her family what needs to be done. I know you can do this! Whenever I had to have a serious conversation with one of the nurses who worked for me, I would write out what I wanted to say. I would read it to myself and then feel really comfortable in saying it to an employee. Something to try?
Have you thought about what you would do if the family said they would pay you to continue?

REPLY
Merry, Alumni Mentor | @merpreb | Oct 10, 2023
In reply to @frances007 "in reply to @merpreb Thank you so much. I have been listening to Carole King since..." + (show)
@frances007

in reply to @merpreb Thank you so much. I have been listening to Carole King since I woke up, and that song of hers "Goin' Back" played, and as I listened to the lyrics, I went back to my laptop and restarted the song. Perhaps you are familiar with the song. The lyrics caused me to think about what I may say to Joyce's siblings now that I feel like a new person on a new mission. By the way, I just ordered Ms. King's autobiography and am looking forward to reading it.

I have been ironing for my sister because it is relaxing, and I am thinking about how to approach Joyce's sister, and what a difficult task this feels like, especially since I have been so close to Joyce for so many years, and now I am in a position of calling her siblings and telling them that their sister needs some help; this is not something I ever in my wildest dreams would have imagined doing, let alone for my best friend. I thought perhaps I would suggest a conference call with her brother as well, so that the three of us could discuss the ramifications of Joyce's current state of health and what she may need going forward. These siblings are familiar with the woman who I suspect is taking advantage of Joyce, and I am debating whether or not to address these concerns as well, They know that this person took Joyce to the cleaners years ago, thus the reason for the demise of their romantic relationship. I certainly do not want to cast any judgment upon anyone, but in all honesty it is difficult to separate everything into pieces. For example, every time I go over to Joyce's lately and comment on something beautiful in her apartment, just for the sake of conversation, and Joyce says: " so and so has "dibs" on that." Naturally I am astonished, but I suppose I should not be surprised. There is also the issue of the POA who is acting in "name" only. I have copied this person on all of my correspondence to the doctor and the bank, expressing all of my concerns, yet she continues to sit back and do nothing. As I was ironing, I thought to myself, "I feel physically sick over this and if I don't take care of this soon, I am going to get really sick." I am not being dramatic. I truly have a chronic and debilitating illness, have lost 7 pounds in the past week, and have zero appetite. Naturally, this is of concern to me. My labs today will tell me whether or not I need more iron infusions, I am exhausted and already thinking to myself how am I going to go over to Joyce's when I get home later this afternoon in order to take care of her needs. I have a lot on my plate currently, including a notice from the State about some tax lien that I have no clue about and need to contact them by the 12th so they do not take the money out of my bank account. I am sorry, I got off the point because my brain is in a tailspin.

I will introduce myself, I will explain what I have been doing for Joyce and I will describe the nature of her current condition. Just listening to her read the description of this past Sunday's 60 Minutes episode was heartbreaking enough. I think I mentioned I felt as though I were sitting next to a 4 year old learning to read. Joyce is an author, and has been a member of the California Writers Group for years, including the President of the same organization. I am afraid I will get upset, naturally. However, I do know that Joyce's siblings are very religious, and while I am not, I know what words to use in an effort to gain their confidence and reassure them that I have no ulterior motives at all in terms of Joyce. She handed me a $50 bill yesterday for my birthday and I tried to give it back to her. She insisted I keep it so I did. It is hidden away for some later date when I really want it.

I think that once I get the words I need out of my mouth, her siblings will "get it." THEN, I have to be prepared for the "fall out" if they decide to drive down here to see her. Joyce will be VERY UPSET and will want to know how they found out or why they are visiting. While all of this feels difficult, I am up to the task. I have to be. After all, no one else has the courage to do so, and I do. I am doing this out of great compassion, concern and humanity. It is the right thing to do, and God willing, I will do it the very best that I can no matter how difficult it may be. And in all honesty, I cannot think of anything in my life that feels so tasking, presently.

I am so grateful to all of you who are helping me navigate this journey without a map or compass. If not for all of you, I probably would have been in a free fall by now, seriously

Jump to this post

Oh, boy! Are you planning to write down a draft to at least give you some confidence? I would.

Joyce, make sure that you are up-front with how ill you have felt that you had to tell Joyce's family., and that you can't take care of her the way you have been. And if she gets upset, Please stick to your guns. And I would encourage you to write down what you are going to say to her. You don't want any of this to splash back at you where you have no proof of what you say.

You are a strong lady, you can do this. Your first priority is yourself! It's a horrible time to have to deal with this, I know.

REPLY
Merry, Alumni Mentor | @merpreb | Oct 10, 2023
In reply to @frances007 "in reply to @merpreb What a great idea! And of course, there is always IA. LOL...." + (show)
@frances007

in reply to @merpreb What a great idea! And of course, there is always IA. LOL.
How do I feel? To be perfectly honest, I feel like I could throw up, but there is nothing to come out, and we know what that feels like. Actually, I am feeling rather swell. The music, ironing is meditative for me and right now I am listening to Al Green. It is a perfect morning, and it is also Prime Day, and I have ordered three things. LOL

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That's all you've ordered? I'm ashamed to tell you what I've ordered! I have a smokin' CC.

Yes, I know how you feel. Oh, I like Al Green!

Have a great birthday. Mine is the 24th. But I think that you are too early for a Scorpio. That's me! All passion! lol

Merry

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1 reply
frances007 | @frances007 | Oct 11, 2023
In reply to @frances007 "If You Tell the Truth You Never Have to Remember AnythingAs you know, I am taking..." + (show)
@frances007

<p>If You Tell the Truth You Never Have to Remember Anything</p><p>As you know, I am taking care of my very good friend, Joyce. Today also happens to be my birthday, and we both got a laugh out of the three birthday cards she gave to me, because I had purchased them for her a few weeks ago when she asked me to pick up some greeting cards for her. At least she remembered, LOL.</p><p>By the way, that quote is from Mark Twain, as I am sure you knew.</p><p>A huge light went off in my brain last night while I was channeling Martha Stewart, again. Whenever I tell my doctor or a friend about Joyce, they always ask me if she has any family. She has 2 sisters and a brother in another state. She has not contacted them in months, and instead another mutual friend has been in touch with them telling them that she is doing well and that "Fran is making sure she gets what she needs, does everything for her, and she is only having some "slips" in terms of her memory."</p><p>Well, all of us caregivers know what a "slip" is, right? I just turned 62 today and I have "slips" on occasion, and usually remember later where I have sat something down, like earlier when I was trying to find a gift card someone gave me today. Joyce is not having "slips" but rather is totally out of touch with reality, sadly.</p><p>I have obtained the telephone number for the sister who is most likely to listen to me and "hear" what I am planning to tell her when I call her later this week. I ask of you caregivers: Should I lay it all out, including the information I sent to Joyce's doctor in my letter to her last week, and to which she responded suggesting a video visit with Joyce so she does not have to "go to the doctor." I actually spoke to Joyce about this today, and while she was hesitant, I explained that I only want her to breathe a little easier so that she does not cause any further damage to her heart, right? I think I mentioned that I had told her doctor that I did not want to witness my friend having a heart attack in my presence.</p><p>Should I "tell" as in "tell"?</p><p>That's my now deceased dog. I would have asked her first, as I am sure you understand. Thank you very much</p>

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in reply to @merpreb Yes, and I am a typical Libra. My friend Joyce did my numerology chart some time ago and it was so "right on." She used to make $1500 a month doing charts for people, and has recently given me all of her materials so that I can do them for others. It is really quite fascinating, and the topic of numerology, as you know, goes back centuries. Would you like me to do yours? If so, I would need the year of your birth.

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