“In the midst of confusion, love is the only compass.”

Are you her POA? Did I miss reading that? If you're her POA you can order this woman to vacate and not return. Call the police and file a report of what you know. Get something legal going since you know this evil woman is only out for what she can get. There are agencies which handle stuff like this. I, unfortunately, have just dodged one of those bullets. Some "family" hasn't bothered with us in a very long time until they learned of my husband's current condition. Now they can't wait to be besties. Makes me so upset to realize just how evil some people really are...and I'm related to some.

in reply to @mwhite0707 Thank you. Naturally when I got home from Joyce's last night it took me until 0300 to finally crawl into bed, but woke up at 0500 with this terrible pain I get in my hip, and for which I am getting an injection on Tuesday.

I feel especially bad for those such as yourself (and my sister) who are married to men/women who have dementia, as I know that your obligation to your spouse is of great importance. As I was working on pressing some new leaves, flowers etc for my cards, I began having this thought, "Now I am being treated like hired help." Of course this did not sit well with me at all, in light of the fact that Joyce has been my closest confidant for so many years. More tears, more swearing, which is not something I normally do, and the realization that our relationship is over. I have even gone as far as getting rid of some of the things she has given me over the past 10 plus years because I want nothing in my apartment to remind me of her, even though she has been such a huge part of my life. Joyce needs some groceries today, and I have offered to go to the store for her, and intend to use a portion of a Trader Joe's gift card her friend gave me to use to buy Joyce the food she likes, to purchase something nice for myself, simply because I can and I also feel like I "deserve it" after the events of this past week alone. Did I mention that one of her friends, the one who gives me the gift card, is now trying to bribe me in an effort to get me to continue caring for Joyce? Yesterday she texted me that I needed another dog, and that she would pay for the dog's care and things of that nature. I told her "no dog." I have had my share of dogs and while I often think of getting another one, I cannot because of my illness, which is ongoing and with no end in site, unless I hasten my death, which I do not plan on doing. I stepped on the scale last night and was astonished that I have dropped 7 pounds just this week. My appetite is poor at best because of my illness, but I was shocked that I had lost this much weight in such a short period of time. I imagine my muscle mass is a large portion of my weight, as I lift weights everyday so as not to lose muscle mass. However, this weight loss is very telling and even more of a message that I have made the right decision in terms of stepping away from being a "caregiver" to Joyce.

Her doctor's office left me a message yesterday in response to a letter I wrote when I sent her an application for Joyce to get approval to use ParaTransit, a special bus service for the disabled. I too use it, but instead of a bus, they send a car and driver because I have no mobility aids and do not need assistance getting in and out of a car. Obviously, Joyce will need some help, and I have explained to her that a bus will come and if she chooses to use the service, I can go with her and ride for free. The service is only $5 each way. In any event, since Joyce refuses to go to the doctor, and her sociopathic friend refuses to take her, I asked the doctor how I could convince Joyce to see the doctor because I have some concerns about some of her health problems that I think need to be addressed, especially her COPD, and the fact that she has been complaining more of being short of breath. A video visit has been offered, so I intend to follow through with the promise to myself that I would get her the care she needs in an effort to feel better. The sociopath demanded that "I respect Joyce's wishes not to go to the doctor." However, if there is something that could help her breathe a bit easier, then I want her to have it, right? This is not about prolonging her health, but rather allowing her the possibility to be more comfortable, knowing full well that her time on earth is limited. I suspect that the sociopath wants to hasten her death, and being the person I am, there is no doubt in my mind that she will try to do this. Afterall, she is already going around Joyce's apartment and noting all of the things she wants when Joyce dies.

Getting back to you, I am so sorry about your situation, and can only imagine what you face each day. The demons, the sadness and grief must be overwhelming. My sister has told me that once her husband becomes "mean" she will place him in a facility. Her answer to the frustration is the "serenity prayer" which can be helpful, sometimes. You mentioned that you have to get "stronger" yet it sounds like you already are a very strong woman. Perhaps some respite care would be of benefit to you, if you can afford something like this. My sister has been talking about doing this so she can get a break now and then. As for myself, I know that I could not live 24/7 with someone who had dementia, even if I had taken marriage vows to hang in there during "sickness and health" which is probably why I never got married in the first place. Please do not take offense, as I applaud you for what you are doing and will continue to do. I do know that there are Alzheimer's support groups and phone numbers one can call in order to talk to someone living with the same experience, and I have thought about attending one of their meetings so that I could meet others in a similar situation. It sounds like you, like my sister, really have your hands full, and I am so sorry.

I am truly sorry for your loss. What do you think of putting a memory book together, something simple and with some pictures (or drawings if you're so inclined) that you could read with Joyce when you visit? If it doesn't trigger her memory, she might think it's a nice story about two women who were friends. Take it with you after your visits and you will have a keepsake of your friendship that may be of some comfort.

@mwhite0707 It must be so difficult when your spouse doesn’t recognize you. I Just found this resource that may help you. It’s about caring for caregivers.
https://www.powerfultoolsforcaregivers.org/store/
I hope it will help you. Will you let me know if you take the classes?

@frances007 Oh, Frances, you sound like you are really hurting, but can’t quite make the final decision to leave your friend. Have you called your Agency on Aging? Or at-risk seniors? You don’t need to tell them the whole story. Just say you have a friend who needs help and you can no longer provide it because of your health. Let them take it from there. And don’t tell her you made the call. Just be her friend. You have done so much over the years! It’s time to think about your health and needs.
Will you think about this?

in reply to @becsbuddy I could call the agency that you have described, however they will not do anything, and even if I did, and someone came out to see Joyce, she would not open the door. The same thing happened when the social worker from Adult Protective Services paid her a visit. She refused to talk to him or allow him inside her apartment. Another facet of her disease: no strangers.
Yes, I have done much for her for many years, including doing her grocery shopping today. I suppose that if I physically felt better, I might not feel as bad about the whole situation as I do presently. With my birthday approaching on Monday, and finding out Tuesday if I am "bad enough" to get another iron infusion, I really just feel like doing nothing. This is certainly not my "normal" and I am afraid it might become my "normal." Not only have I lost Joyce, but I have lost other friends over the past month simply because I have lost some more weight, and people avoid me like the plague. I know I do not look half that bad, as the woman at the optical store told me today that I looked great. Yes, I am a bit anal about how I present myself. "If I look great, I feel great." However, with just 90 minutes of sleep last night, I just don't have much of anything left to give anyone at this point, even a friendship. And to make matters worse, my friend who was my former rheumatologist and who has access to my medical records so that she can help my doctor figure out what is wrong with me, texted me earlier today and told me to stop sending her emails. I sent one about the Joyce situation and I guess she did not want to hear about it, although she has been helping me deal with Joyce for the past 6 months or so. I am baffled to say the least. I know this will pass once I get some long needed rest.

Thank you all for your encouragement.

<p>If You Tell the Truth You Never Have to Remember Anything</p><p>As you know, I am taking care of my very good friend, Joyce. Today also happens to be my birthday, and we both got a laugh out of the three birthday cards she gave to me, because I had purchased them for her a few weeks ago when she asked me to pick up some greeting cards for her. At least she remembered, LOL.</p><p>By the way, that quote is from Mark Twain, as I am sure you knew.</p><p>A huge light went off in my brain last night while I was channeling Martha Stewart, again. Whenever I tell my doctor or a friend about Joyce, they always ask me if she has any family. She has 2 sisters and a brother in another state. She has not contacted them in months, and instead another mutual friend has been in touch with them telling them that she is doing well and that "Fran is making sure she gets what she needs, does everything for her, and she is only having some "slips" in terms of her memory."</p><p>Well, all of us caregivers know what a "slip" is, right? I just turned 62 today and I have "slips" on occasion, and usually remember later where I have sat something down, like earlier when I was trying to find a gift card someone gave me today. Joyce is not having "slips" but rather is totally out of touch with reality, sadly.</p><p>I have obtained the telephone number for the sister who is most likely to listen to me and "hear" what I am planning to tell her when I call her later this week. I ask of you caregivers: Should I lay it all out, including the information I sent to Joyce's doctor in my letter to her last week, and to which she responded suggesting a video visit with Joyce so she does not have to "go to the doctor." I actually spoke to Joyce about this today, and while she was hesitant, I explained that I only want her to breathe a little easier so that she does not cause any further damage to her heart, right? I think I mentioned that I had told her doctor that I did not want to witness my friend having a heart attack in my presence.</p><p>Should I "tell" as in "tell"?</p><p>That's my now deceased dog. I would have asked her first, as I am sure you understand. Thank you very much</p>

This health journey is going to become impossible for one person. You must tell her siblings the truth. If they decide to make changes in her life, then it is not on your shoulders. You should be enjoying your life as much as possible. Her diagnosis will lead to a path that at times is very depressing, discouraging, amd demeaning. You are doing more than what is expected of a friend and losing your own life and eventually your own identity when her family should be stepping in. The sooner you tell them the whole truth, the sooner you will be able to know what choices they will choose and then you can plan your own life.
The journey with any dementia is a hard one and is painful for all. There is no trajectory for an individual with a diagnosis of any one of the dementias. If her family does not show up (I would highly encourage you to tell them they have to come and visit her if their health will allow it) you will have to make some big decisions. Your friend, one day, will no longer know you her sweet personality may become unrecognizable. The pain is inevitable and the decisions are painful. If the family doesn't show up and you feel like you want to continue this journey, you will need a durable and a medical power of attorney to go forward and you will also need a legal guardianship. This will give you the ability to have access to her finances and to make decisions legally where no one can say you are abusing her. This is a big decision, but from my limited view point, one in which you have no choice but to contact her family. God bless you and hoping for a great outcome to this journey. You are a real gift to your friend and she is very fortunate to have someone that cares for her as you have. Hope to hear more on this decision.

in reply to @teacher502 Thank you so very much for this response. I finally got to bed last night at 0100 and woke up at 0300 because of the stress associated with the "phone call." I must have cried for a good hour last night in my bathroom with the door shut so my neighbor would not hear me. However, I felt much better just releasing all of these feelings that have been building up.
Yes, I will call her sister this week and tell her the truth and also provide her with the number for the POA, who is leaving for Greece in 2 days. All of this is so heartbreaking, but I know it is the right thing to do because I am not sure that Joyce can continue to live alone in her apartment much longer. I am not going to abandon her, but will ever so slowly remove myself from the situation. One has to maintain their sense of compassion, right? I suspect that her sister will come down from Idaho and see Joyce, even though they are half sisters. Her "full" sister is much older and could not possibly make the trip, while her brother probably could do so along with the other sister.
I am dismayed that our mutual friend essentially "sugar coated" the situation, but probably did so as to not cause worry to the family. I told the friend yesterday that I plan to "spell it out" as best I can. Apparently, the family knows the woman who I suspect is taking advantage of Joyce, but I am not sure if I want to bring her into the conversation, other than to say that Joyce is very vulnerable and I am concerned about her finances. I may have mentioned that I fired off a letter to the bank after they refused to talk to me last week when I asked if the woman who has Joyce's checkbook is allowed to write checks without going into the branch to complete the legal paperwork necessary to allow such things. My god! I even copied the POA on this letter, and still no response. However, I have let this go. At this point I can only do what one good thing my mother taught me, and that was "to do the right thing."

You are a true angel and have gone way above and beyond what anyone should, could, and would do. Tears are a valuable resource and many times they clear out conflicting emotions and help us "see" clearer possible solutions and answers. Will say some prayers for you today that you will have the courage to make the call, the right words to say to clearly convey the truth, and peace in your heart to know you are doing the right thing for your friend. ❤️