Dealing with verbal abuse: Any suggestions?

Oh, what a hard place to be!

Here is what @ann16 did about name calling:
https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/verbal-abuse/?pg=3#comment-705937
After my Mom's strokes, she was very sarcastic and often mean, but she was cognizant enough to know when she crossed boundaries. When I was sure she was safe and her immediate needs met, if she did it to me, I called her on it ONCE, if it continued I walked out, closed the door and did something to cool off. One time I even wrapped her in her robe & towel and left her sitting in the bathroom after a shower because I was doing everything wrong. It only took twice before things got better, after that I just had to give her "the look" and it stopped. My sister would just hang in there, then go away and cry - Mom's behavior never got better with her until hospice.

My mother-in-law used to go next door or to her sister's for a cup of coffee, but never confronted my father-in-law about the verbal abuse - and so it continued. But he never did it while my husband and I were around - I think he knew it wouldn't be tolerated.

My husband has ADD, and can never find his things - he used to yell and accuse me of losing them - I would go stone-cold silent and walk away. Now he knows I will help him look only if he asks nicely for help.

So those are few techniques you might try if you have not already. At very least, be "absent" when he is yelling (use headphones or ear plugs if you must), take your phone and walk away with it if he is interrupting (my Mom used to take hers into the bathroom and close the door when 6 kids were clamoring for attention - much easier to go away now with cells & cordless.)

What behavior modification techniques have you already tried? Have you told his doctors what you face at home? Has his doctor considered an antidepressant or other med?

At least you have a lot of sympathetic ears here - people who understand what you are living with.
Hugs!
Sue

Hi @petluv17, are you able to remove yourself from your husband when he is abusive? Can you leave the house and talk to someone? Are there support services where you live through an Office of Aging or Alzheimer's Association? The Alzheimer's Association has a helpline 24/7 which I've never used, but heard is good. It's staffed by clinicians and specialists. The number is 1-800-272-3900.

I can hardly imagine how wearing, and depressing this situation is for you. I hope you are able to find some ways of coping and strategies that make things easier for you.

You did not say whether he has been this way in the past, a lot, once in a while or if this is a change in his attitude. I know this comes about when a man starts into dementia. I have a neighbor who is going through this at the same time as my husband and we do share enough to know this is true. It also happened with my uncle and so i happened to know about it. We know they can't always control it, i think something in their brain is going so interaction with others begin a change. When i began to notice i reported it to his primary and she assigned him to a gerontologist which changed some of his meds, even ones sold without prescription and it has helped somewhat. He ended up upset with his primary for sending him to this other doctor. They are both women and i doubt he would do this with a male. I used to teach middle school and i realized a lot of the ways i dealt with them works with him but I had to change my way of thinking about him, I was a caretaker now for a person that has a mental illness that no one can stop. And his anger can be managed to a point. Quietly use your cell phone to record when possible. I have a little more in ideas but I will close for now.

Thanks. Drat. I always forget to record it. People would not believe their eyes or ears if they could see or hear it. I am a former teacher, as well. One day, I decided to address him using all my big sister and teacher skills and it did stop him for a minute.

Perhaps the National Domestic Violence Hotline would have some suggestions.
Jake
https://www.google.com/search?q=National+Domestic+Violence+Hotline&client=safari&hl=en-us&sxsrf=ALiCzsb7jz07jAp8HIIH-_C5hrCiao3kRA%3A1670027220930&ei=1JeKY_CrOJ6A0PEP1uunsA8&oq=National+Domestic+Violence+Hotline&gs_lcp=ChNtb2JpbGUtZ3dzLXdpei1zZXJwEAMyBwgAELADEEMyBwgAELADEEMyBwgAELADEEMyBwgAELADEEMyBwgAELADEEMyBwgAELADEEMyBwgAELADEEMyBwgAELADEEMyBwgAELADEEMyBwgAELADEEMyBwgAELADEEMyEgguEMcBENEDEMgDELADEEMYATISCC4QxwEQ0QMQyAMQsAMQQxgBMhIILhDHARDRAxDIAxCwAxBDGAEyDAguEMgDELADEEMYATISCC4QxwEQ0QMQyAMQsAMQQxgBSgQIQRgBUABYAGCGWGgBcAB4AIABZ4gBZ5IBAzAuMZgBAMgBEMABAdoBBAgBGAg&sclient=mobile-gws-wiz-serp

All through our married life my husband and I only used positive names (sweetheart, honey, dear) for each other. When he moved into mid-stage Alz's, he started with the name calling. I sat him down, looked him in the eye, told him in a very firm voice that no one is this house calls anyone names. He has the right to disagree with my opinions, to tell me he needs something, etc, but there would be no name calling--by anyone!! I am not a 'bitch' and I would not put up with be called any of those kind of names. He listened. Behavior stopped for a bit.
Another time a couple days later, he started name calling again. We had the same conversation again. I also reminded him no one is perfect but we can try to work together to make things better.
I also told him I loved him, wanted only what is best for him, but there would be no name calling. That was the last time it happened.
I try to use reaffirming language, particularly when he is not upset, telling him how proud I am of him and how well he's handling all the changes happening in his mind and life. He is a 'mood sponge' most of the time. If I am cool, calm and collected, so is he. If I can make something seem funny, then he smiles and laughs, brightens his mood. Disciplining myself to be that way is challenging but very helpful!!

I might suggest you bring him up to date on the cost of at home or Assisted Living. My latest reports were For round the clock nursing care $20,000.00 I have a friend whose brother is dying and this is what they are paying. Assisted Living $ 5.000.00 and Nursing Home $10,000.0. Ask him which one he would like to replace you with. MEDICARE. does not pay any of these, and if he is eligible for something like our Medical he has no choice as to which place he will be placed or the type of care he will receive. He better get down and kiss your feet and thank you for all that you have and will do for him. Don't take his abuse, ask for help if you need to.
Gina 5009

I get the name calling and verbal abuse quite often. My husband has dementia so it’s pointless to lecture him him. He won’t remember. It seems to happen more late in the evening when he gets tired. I put up with it and try to ignore it, until it builds up and I yell back. All that it accomplishes is for me to let off steam and get relief for awhile, and give me a sore throat. He’ll forget quickly and becomes affectionate, telling me he loves me. It’s not so easy for me to forget. I’ve been giving him CBD/THC gummies late in the day. It helped for a long time. Now it seems to wear off sooner.

Hi @cmael, is he willing to go to bed earlier, or at least rest when he's tired? My husband with moderate Alzheimer's Disease is good with me, 99% of the time, but was agitated when sleeping, talking a lot. The neurologist suggested 3 - 5 mg of melatonin when he goes to bed. I just give him 3 mg and he has a more restful sleep. He also takes 20 mg of citalopram, an anti-depressant.

Me, I would move him to MC, you can visit him a couple times a week and the rest of the time spend in peace.

Over the years you have taught him how to treat you and what behavior you would accept, toxic as it may be.

I can assure you as his dementia worsens so will his abuse. Not my rules just how it works.

Go to Agingcare.com the posters will enlighten you and help you make some sound choices for you, your well-being. Statics say that some 60% of long term caregivers die before the patient!

Take care of you!