Dealing with verbal abuse: Any suggestions?

Posted by nrocpop @nrocpop, Jul 20, 2021

I am the primary caregiver for a husband that has been critical and judgmental for a long time. Having cancer seems to be an excuse to be even more verbally abusive. He does not treat anyone else like this and generally does not act out if anyone else is around. Nothing I do is ever good enough and nothing I do counts for anything. If someone else sends a message or some by to visit, they are a major hero. Any suggestions? I cannot say that I find caregiving rewarding like some people do

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Good to hear back... I wondered how you were. It has to be hard, and to think about doing things differently after allowing this for so long must be very challenging. I'm glad that you took the first hard step. Just saying it was very brave. I hope to hear from you again.

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My husband was a cancer patient for 5 years. He tried to be abusive but I stopped this right away. I think one thing is losing their ability to function and don't like losing control. He was an heavy drinker but never on the job. He had a to cut back on alcohol. He probably could have lived a lot longer but didn't like the MD cutting his alcohol. He made the choice to stop chemo. His body, his choice. One vn year later bone cancer. New MD, great person, set him straight on drinking. She told him she had patients who wanted to live, don't waste my time. He is shaking so hard to handle a glass. I was pouring his pop fir him and he hit my hand hard. I picked up my purse and walked out of the restaurant. They couldn't find me. I was in my car. He came out. I didn't help him. Fold your bv walker, get in vehicle by yourself, seat belt by yourself. Never go out vn to dinner or lunch again. Want to get his prescription. I gave him the check book. I didn't help. I stopped cooking and no more help. I told him, if you ever touch me again, you will have to get another caregiver. I am done. No more problems. They have people who will help, insurance should help. The MDs and staff helped me and I received free training for his dual Hickman port. I had an LVN certificate but didn't stay in medical field.
When he starts being abusive, pick up your purse and walk out. If he isn't able to be alone find someone to help you walk away.
Prayers. No more problems with his abuse.

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@lizzier

I certainly do not know your circumstances, but I wonder how he would cope if he was told that you would no longer give him care if he continues to be verbally abusive. And then follow thru. I don't know if he would/could physically harm you, but you will be so demoralized if you continue to allow him to be rude and disrespectful to you. You must at all cost protect yourself from further abuse. You are very brave to speak to us about this. I commend you for that. If you are physically safe and he shouts "I need water". Then you could say "You shouted you need water. Ask me politely like when you talk to so and so." and I'll get you water. I see how you treat others, and I will no longer respond to your needs if you continue to speak unkindly to me." Then turn and walk away. WE TRULY DO TEACH PEOPLE HOW TO TREAT US. This is likely an old pattern that you established as a couple. Mocking, belittling and put downs are not OK. You did these things to quiet his rage, but it did not work and you do not have to continue to do that. Ask your counselor about that. I'm really proud of you for taking a risk to say these things openly. But it's not cast in stone. Even now it can change. But you can only do these things if you know with certainty that he cannot and will not physically harm you. Please be brave, but not foolish. If you risk physical harm, then you really need to talk with your counselor and figure out an intervention. Patience can only go so far. Even a sick person is capable of change. I can hear it in your words. it's exhausting. Be well and be safe. I care about you. Thankfully you have a therapist who you like. That is key to this discussion.

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Glad you are getting this off your minds. This is part of his ability of losing control. Control over you. It's abuse and violence will follow if you keep allowed this. He want's to start an argument to blame you for anything. God Bless You

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@nrocpop

I am really sorry that you, too, we’re in a relationship where you had to be constantly vigilant not to set someone off. It is hard to maintain your sense of self in that situation. It sounds like you got out and I am glad. It is a bad way to live

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I did get out after 8 long years. It was the scariest thing I had ever done. But I found that once I made a plan and had a little help from a neighbor, I got stronger every day. If you would like to private message me, I will be open to it. I am hoping some of the suggestions from the folks here are ones you can use.

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Make a life for yourself and don't feel guilty about walking away.

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@lizzier

Good to hear back... I wondered how you were. It has to be hard, and to think about doing things differently after allowing this for so long must be very challenging. I'm glad that you took the first hard step. Just saying it was very brave. I hope to hear from you again.

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Thanks. I have been getting some frightening medical results myself. I am sure everything will be ok, but it feels pretty overwhelming right now

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@nrocpop

Thanks. I have been getting some frightening medical results myself. I am sure everything will be ok, but it feels pretty overwhelming right now

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@nrocpop i think it would help you to talk with someone. A person who can help you put things in perspective and make sense of all that is happening. Do you have a therapist or pastor you could speak to?

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@becsbuddy

@nrocpop i think it would help you to talk with someone. A person who can help you put things in perspective and make sense of all that is happening. Do you have a therapist or pastor you could speak to?

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Yes, I have a therapist and a pastor. Thanks. 🙂

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Exactly. You did the right thing. Thank you so much for sharing your story. People, both men and women need to stand together on these issues. They need you more than you need them. It was wise of you and brave to take a stand, but above all, you have to know that you are safe, and will remain so before you take a stand. Good for you. I am so glad that you were able to end your abuse.

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@nrocpop

Thanks. I have been getting some frightening medical results myself. I am sure everything will be ok, but it feels pretty overwhelming right now

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I'm so sorry to hear that. Sometimes it feels like our plates are too full. Please seek someone to share your burden. Just talking with someone about it doesn't seem like a lot of help, but it really does lessen the tension.

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