Deciding whether or not to marry someone with mild dementia

Hi @maryflorida, I think the course of friendship, intimacy as well, if you want it, is the best one to pursue, as everyone has pointed out. My husband was diagnosed with Alzheimer's in 2019, but I noticed something amiss two years earlier. Generally, he has a good disposition and is highly functioning. He has a low tolerance for visitors these days (about three hours max) and gets jealous when I'm talking with friends on the phone for a period of time. And since our life is much smaller now and I don't go out much so I can be with him, I look forward to the few conversations I can have with friends.
The thing about these disorders is we never know how they will go. Your friend could be loving and gentle now, but angry and abusive in the future. He could totally forget who you are. He could start doing strange things. If you marry, he will be your responsibility.
You are very kind and caring and he is fortunate to have you as a friend. You are probably his anchor now as he faces an uncertain future.

Raebaby, thank you for your advice. I wish I didn't feel so loving toward him, but his kids will have to take care of him. I am 82, and know how tired you must be! Sure hope they can get your cancer under control. Hugs!

Teri, we all suffer in different ways, but you relieved me of my feeling of obligation. I have never had any time for myself and I guess I feel a bit guilty having it now.

Yes, his children, who will inherit his fortune, should take care of him later on. Right now, I am enjoying happy times with him and he has his own house. God bless each of you who so kindly wrote to me, in my distress.

I'm 57 single and I have found that the main reason men want to marry me is due to financial support and or health support...in other words..most of them are looking for a "nurse with a purse." DO NOT MARRY. Being single and alone does not mean being lonely. You have kids, reach out. Keep him as your companion. His healthcare needs will bankrupt you physically and financially and EMOTIONALLY, then he will never be able to help you either, sadly. He is afraid alone, but likely the consequences of his past life choices and you are not his solution. Try harder to stay healthy and connected to others.

Thanks, Tina. I did notice that a guy from Haiti was interested in me recently. My wiser friend told me to wake up... that he mistakenly thought I was rich. 🙂

I am not going to marry Bernie, but my heart is sad because his son has been gone from him for the last three weeks, leaving him alone other than for me. How can people be so uncaring? Wondering how his holidays have been.
I have my huge family who invite me to spend time with them a lot.
My pastor told me that he is like a sick puppy... but would we abandon a sick puppy? I will spend time with him, but heed the advice of you all by not taking on the responsibility. Happy to hear from you all. And going to my appointment at the college today to see what classes I can take. Yay!

Hi @maryflorida, Does he ever contemplate going into an assisted living facility where he wouldn't be alone all the time, or be so dependent on the whims of his son? Maybe that's an option that would take some of the pressure off you for his support. It sounds like Bernie is still capable of making decisions. He asked you to marry him, afterall.

I think he feels he is fine. Oddly, I went to the local college today to see if there might be a class I'd like to take. The advisor gave me the new Meyers-Briggs test and asked questions and she feels I should get an AA degree so I could work at an assisted-living place! OMG. At first, I thought "maybe", but I don't think I want to spend the money to do that. I really love math, and I think I could get a job at a Christian school (they don't require degrees for math) instead. My daughter just wrote me that I have to pull back so he relies more on his son. Hard to do, since I see him every other day. After losing my husband I am having trouble finding my place in life. But taking care of a man with dementia seems to hard. Appreciating you.

How sweet it is!! Move in with your guy, for the next years that he has. You could get a blessing, which does not affect your legal status. That way, you do not upset his or your pensions. If he wants to bequeath his estate to you, he can do that outside of marriage, but again, your financial affairs would remain your own. My husband, who is younger, is in early stages of dementia and from what I understand from others, it can be a difficult time managing caregivers, etc.--or getting caregivers, which may affect my savings, etc. Get Estate advice before you do anything as permanent as marriage. Your children are looking out for you, but as long as you mind the due diligence and legalities, it should turn out ok.

Marye2, thanks. I will be careful. I don't think he can move in with me, since my lovely home belongs to my son, even though he "gave" it to me. It is my home, but he has the title.
Bernie won't bequeath his estate to me as he long ago promised his children that they are his first priority.
I know he "loves me", but they warned him long before we met, to be careful of women trying to get his money, even though I don't want it or need it. Waiting to let things shake out, but likely will just continue on being best friends.

Dear Lonely,
If you have to ask here, then you know in your heart the answer. I’m sure it’s not easy being alone after losing your husband of 50 years. But at this time in your life it is probably better to remain friends and companions. You are lucky to have a large family and they seem very concerned for you. Perhaps, moving closer to some would be better for you. I hope you find peace in whatever decision you make.