Loss: I am stuck in the "angry" stage. How can I move on?

Thank you for your kind and sensible words.

While I’ve never had a sibling end their life, I’ve had friends who lost a sibling to suicide. There seems to be a common
theme, in that, they feel the only way out of their physical or emotional pain is to end their life. I can empathize with anyone whose lost a love
one this way, because there is no way to undo it. There is such a high rate of suicide in this country, and more needs to be done to help these poor souls, because they are not able to help themselves. The hate you have right now will
eventually give way to acceptance; it doesn’t happen
overnight. Give it time, your feelings are still raw.

It’s okay to be angry. God sees your heart it hurting. If you have a pastor, speak to him/her. I don’t think your brother was in the right state of mental health. God sees that also and He understands. Perhaps after your anger, you will find forgiveness. Forgiveness is never for what the other person did. It is for ourselves, so that we will feel better. God bless you. Remember… God loves you so very, very much.

@mikaylar

Wow, you're going through a lot.

My sister died of natural cause last year , when I could not get ahold of her, I was able to break into her condo and found her dead in bed. She left a mess legally, financially and a mess to clean up. When I should of been feeling the loss of my sister, I was furious and angry. Which them made me feel guilty.

As much as I want to ignore everything related to her death, until it is dealt with, there will not be closure.

I go back and forth between maybe I could of done something to help her, then I remind myself I tried, but she was mentally ill and refused help.

No will, no spouse or children, so heirs are her siblings. So it left it to the 5 siblings that do not agree on anything, and things keep coming up. And only 2 of us took the time and energy to deal with it. The others wanted nothing to do with it.

I suggest a short consult with a lawyer about signing off on property to protect your right. It will cost you, but in long run, you need to protect yourself. We had situation similar, we wanted to avoid probate and no one wanted to sign their name to anything associated with my sister in fear we would be held responsible for other things.

We also had county cremation, last weekend we spread the ashes. It provided some closure for that part.

When others tried to express their condolences, I had to thank them when inside I was furious. I did seek help from therapist, like someone else suggest, it sometimes was just to vent, and other time it was the therapist reassuring me I did nothing wrong to feel guilty about.

Laurie

Thank you all for your kind words of expression. Seems I am not alone in my feelings and I am normal. God bless you all.

mikaylar: I too have no expertise in this area but it may be cathartic to write a letter to those who were impacted by your brothers decision and let them know how you feel. They may read it and get some comfort or they may not but it may let you take a step forward. Maybe there is some help you can also offer those people, as a paralegal. Take one hour at a time and talk to any friend for a few minutes every day.

I'm going to walk out on a limb here...the anger, is not just the loss of the brother, but perhaps anger at the world. Covid, isolation, folks seem more greedy, social "fakebook" is less personal; than hey folks, just pick up the phone, knock on your neighbor's door, get out and say "hi" and give each other a hug, and maybe share a cup of coffee, or herb tea, take a walk together, stop and say hello to a child, pet a dog...that's my best; and perhaps help someone else, in a rougher spot. Anger, is energy, it wants us to do something, but when someone commits suicide; we can't, and we feel so dang powerless. Turn the anger, the energy, into something...perhaps; it's old school, and sometimes just makes anger worse, go get in the car; and close the doors and windows and scream at your brother for leaving you. I used to do it in a swimming pool, sink to the bottom (in the shallow end) and yell and scream and curse, cause even with a pool full of other folks; no one could hear my anger coming out.

Wish I could do all that however, I am dealing with a daily persistent headache that keeps me home. It's been almost four years and doctors can't figure it out. So, my loss is on the back burner now and maybe that is is a good thing; maybe not.

I live alone. Every day I check in with two trusted people so they know nothing happened to me. I realize this does not cover everything you wrote, but it is one way to allow your loved ones to know you are fine for that day.

Their are stages to grief and you are locked into anger. I feel I can comment on this subject having survived cancer and death of a bi-polar son just a week before his 40th birthday (possible suicide, no clear evidence). I've been though the 5 Stages of Grief and now lead a normal happy life. Of course one never forgets, but I've accepted and moved on.
In my case I took up landscape gardening. I had a nice size yard, joined several garden clubs, became a Master Gardening (even though I was told I only had x number of years to live) and turned my yard into a botanical garden. I gloried in nature and would look up at the sky and thank our creator for his gifts to us. I am not a church goer, but when viewing nature it's impossible for me not to be awed. I lost my anger and depression and was filled with joy loving the time I had left on earth. As a side note I am the 1% for who adult leukemia, CLL, spontaneously regresses without any treatment. After a postive bone marrow test and dealing with failing blood counts for 10 years, my blood counts are completely back to normal, even the lymphocytes, are normal. My leukemia is simply gone.
It took over a year to not feel like I was suffocating thinking about the loss of my son, yet now 15 years later I no longer dwell on it and allow myself only the postive memories.
My point is that it is up to you to accept your situation because there is nothing you can do to change what has happened. Plow though the complicated legal aspects so you can put it behind you. Don't dwell on how unfair it is. Everyone has a story to tell, everyone sufferes losses. Find out what you are thankful for and surround yourself with that and you will enjoy the time you have left on earth.