1. < Caregivers: Dementia

My anxiety about my husband's memory loss is pretty bad

Posted by meitsjustme @meitsjustme, Apr 30, 2023

I try to support my husband. I don't react negatively to repeated questions. But, I can hear my tone. I'm not arguing. But, he sees my face. There's so much! How do I make him know that I still think he's a wonderful man...a great husband? Fortunately (I think it's fortunate, anyway), he seems supremely confident in spite of realizing that his memory is impaired. And, he doesn't hold a grudge, so there's that. He loves it when I forget something. (grins!) I'm so worried about our future. How will I be able to manage him if it gets bad? We can't afford a memory care facility. The kids live far away, so there is intermittent help there if any. So, my question for the group is this. How to handle the anxiety. I'm making mistakes at work. I never could sleep well, so sleep is a problem now, too. I exercise, and that helps a bit. I reach out to friends. They're supportive. I'm not religious. And, my husband's memory loss is not the only major stressor in my life at the moment. My youngest brother has been diagnosed with cirrhosis of the liver and heart failure. He doesn't believe that he should stop drinking.
Finally, forgive me for being a crybaby or maybe posting this in the wrong spot. I know many of you have problems much worse than mine. I admire you all for your fortitude and grit. I just needed to vent.

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Caregivers: Dementia Support Group.

meitsjustme | @meitsjustme | May 2, 2023

Thanks for the help. It's appreciated. On a related note, there is a wonderful book by the Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu called The Book of Joy. I keep rereading and it seems to help quite a bit. There are meditation practices in the back of the book, but I never looked into those. I'll check out the meditation book you mentioned, the Psychology Today link, and maybe eventually the Pauline Boss book. Thanks again.

REPLY
1 reply
cy7 | @cy7 | May 2, 2023
In reply to @robertsbrown "Hello. I hear all of that loud and clear. Like you, I have plenty of stressors..." + (show)
@robertsbrown

Hello. I hear all of that loud and clear. Like you, I have plenty of stressors on top of the challenge of a spouse in decline. Like you, I am not a religious person, and like you I get much less sleep than I need. My situation got to the point where I had to leave work, and come home full-time. This in no way means I can afford that choice, so we are together on that as well.

How to deal with it? I try to keep all interactions positive, no matter how I feel at the moment. I don't generally let myself freak out, but it happens. I wonder how I will survive, what to do when things get worse, as they absolutely will. I have tried talking to a therapist, and that does help. More than anything, what has helped me is to just accept my fate. Realize that we missed our life goals, we didn't make enough money, we don't have community to help us, and our family is both too small and too distant to help. Yes, things are tough, and they will get tougher. Knowing that helps, and having no false hopes helps too. There are a thousand good things we can do, and we will do them, but the feeling you have is genuine. This really is happening, and there is no good end for us. Knowing you are not alone is pretty thin soup, but it's what I can offer you now. It's not just you. There are a LOT of us doing this same thing. We get you.

Jump to this post

I have found that if possible to do a couple kind deeds both enriches the other person and ourselves in so much that we can face difficulties better ..what do you think?

REPLY
lag630 | @lag630 | May 2, 2023
In reply to @jbur "I've found the Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction approach developed by Jon Kabat Zinn most helpful for my..." + (show)
@jbur

I've found the Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction approach developed by Jon Kabat Zinn most helpful for my practice. Here is a link to an article in Psychology Today that explains the approach: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/crisis-knocks/201003/mindfulness-based-stress-reduction-what-it-is-how-it-helps. There is a book available on Amazon that would help you get started: "A Mindfulness Stress Reduction Workbook" by Stahl and Goldstein. When I first got started with mindfulness meditation in 2017 I found, via Goggle search, that there was a workshop offered in my community. It changed everything in my caregiving, all for the better. So you might check that out.
It is also important to realize that every time your husband shows a new sign that you are also dealing with loss. An excellent resource to help process this is "Ambiguous Loss, Learning to Live with Unresolved Grief by Pauline Boss.

Jump to this post

Thank you for the references and insight. Very helpful.

REPLY
marye2 | @marye2 | May 3, 2023

My husband is in early stage and also cannot hear well! It is a slippery slope, and sometimes I think I am becoming hypervigilant. Certainly is frustrating and sometimes I am on my last nerve. Now and then he is very much "here," and I explained that I am not mad, but sometimes it is a lot. (I love him, sometimes hard to LIKE him). I am trying to plan for time out of the house daily and will eventually find a self help group (Council of Aging) to help navigate. Our house is safe, and I plan to get a reverse mortgage should we need caregiving funds. Be patient with yourself: remember the airlines recommend you put on the oxygen before you help someone else!

REPLY
1 reply
marye2 | @marye2 | May 3, 2023
In reply to @meitsjustme "Thanks for the help. It's appreciated. On a related note, there is a wonderful book by..." + (show)
@meitsjustme

Thanks for the help. It's appreciated. On a related note, there is a wonderful book by the Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu called The Book of Joy. I keep rereading and it seems to help quite a bit. There are meditation practices in the back of the book, but I never looked into those. I'll check out the meditation book you mentioned, the Psychology Today link, and maybe eventually the Pauline Boss book. Thanks again.

Jump to this post

I like Sarah Ban Breathnach's book of Comfort and Joy.

REPLY
meitsjustme | @meitsjustme | May 3, 2023
In reply to @marye2 "My husband is in early stage and also cannot hear well! It is a slippery slope,..." + (show)
@marye2

My husband is in early stage and also cannot hear well! It is a slippery slope, and sometimes I think I am becoming hypervigilant. Certainly is frustrating and sometimes I am on my last nerve. Now and then he is very much "here," and I explained that I am not mad, but sometimes it is a lot. (I love him, sometimes hard to LIKE him). I am trying to plan for time out of the house daily and will eventually find a self help group (Council of Aging) to help navigate. Our house is safe, and I plan to get a reverse mortgage should we need caregiving funds. Be patient with yourself: remember the airlines recommend you put on the oxygen before you help someone else!

Jump to this post

Hi marye2, Your comment about being hypervigilant hit the mark with me, too. That's it in a nutshell. I find it very helpful to see that others are dealing with this in the same way I am. After reading your comment, I don't feel quite so awful about having trouble LIKING my husband. I love him like crazy, though. This is such a weird space we're inhabiting.

REPLY
1 reply
krazzi | @krazzi | May 4, 2023
In reply to @meitsjustme "Hi marye2, Your comment about being hypervigilant hit the mark with me, too. That's it in..." + (show)
@meitsjustme

Hi marye2, Your comment about being hypervigilant hit the mark with me, too. That's it in a nutshell. I find it very helpful to see that others are dealing with this in the same way I am. After reading your comment, I don't feel quite so awful about having trouble LIKING my husband. I love him like crazy, though. This is such a weird space we're inhabiting.

Jump to this post

My husband has MCI and goes back and forth with normal and it He totally cannot find anything wrong with himself and refuses even to think about a change of residence. What to do?

REPLY
1 reply
marye2 | @marye2 | May 5, 2023
In reply to @krazzi "My husband has MCI and goes back and forth with normal and it He totally cannot..." + (show)
@krazzi

My husband has MCI and goes back and forth with normal and it He totally cannot find anything wrong with himself and refuses even to think about a change of residence. What to do?

Jump to this post

I would say that you should pick your battles at this time. You might downsize while in your current home, organize paperwork (house title, repairs/replacements made over the years), create savings, build credit if needed and so on. A good plan might be created on your own--self help groups for you, where and how to obtain respite as time goes on. Keep track of your own health and keep up exercise and a good diet.

REPLY
meitsjustme | @meitsjustme | May 6, 2023

Meanwhile, the fridge stopped working yesterday while I was at work. I had already called the repair guy twice because it was making a funny noise. And, the beat goes on...
I know a broken appliance is a small thing to have a breakdown over, but it might just be the last straw in this case.

REPLY
1 reply
trishaanderson | @trishaanderson | May 6, 2023
In reply to @meitsjustme "Meanwhile, the fridge stopped working yesterday while I was at work. I had already called the..." + (show)
@meitsjustme

Meanwhile, the fridge stopped working yesterday while I was at work. I had already called the repair guy twice because it was making a funny noise. And, the beat goes on...
I know a broken appliance is a small thing to have a breakdown over, but it might just be the last straw in this case.

Jump to this post

"As they say the straw that broke the camels back!" Sometimes I think our house hates me!!! My husband gets so agitated when repairmen are here and something is always broken.
Thinking of you.

REPLY
View MoreView Less
Please sign in or register to post a reply.