Hitting That Wall

We all need to vent now and then, but we keep being grateful for all that we still have. When you talk about too many appointments, it reminds me of what my cousin told me when I was first diagnosed with breast cancer 10 years ago. She said a friend of hers had breast cancer and said she's just sick of so many appointments. I asked what she meant exactly. What kind of appointments? She said she didn't know -- just appointments. That made no sense to me. How many appointments could there be? NOW IT MAKES SENSE! I've had around 250 medical appointments in just the past 2.5 years with my two kinds of cancer, side effects, other health issues. We won't even get into paperwork. It's a full time job. I'm sure most everyone on this message board will agree. Everyone here either has multiple conditions or rare ones or both.

Hold up your glasses as I'd like to make toast -- to less appointments for all of us!!!

I will find my glass and hold it high. Maybe next time I will even fill it with the real deal.

I am tired of my life. I can’t wait to die in my sleep so that I will finally stop dealing with this incurable disability. I’m out of options. No electric shock treatments, no EMD and thousands of pill cocktail work.
They do nothing for me. I’m sick of my life. Nobody believes I’m so sick.
Numerous different mental hospitalization in patient at different psyche wards have done anything for me. I need a psychologist or therapist of staying to speak with. Just a pill pushing psychiatrist. I don’t see any positives in my life except a couple of sisters.

You need to hold on for your sisters's sake. You love them and I figure they love you back.

Sadly, there are people in this world who don't have anybody. In that way, you actually are lucky. I don't mean to play down all the other bad stuff going on in your life. It sounds pretty darn tough. I'm just pointing out something good.

Maybe you should call a suicide prevention hotline? Or an emergency mental health number? You could google for the phone number... Or maybe call a minister/rabbi/priest? Or your county or state "services for the aging."

I'm sorry that I don't have more help to offer. When I get depressed, I try to remember this quote, "The night is darkest just before the dawn."

Prayers and good wishes to you!

Thanks for responding.
I do have 1 sister out of 6 that is my best friend.
The fact that nothing works is what a person says when they’ve hit bottom.
I have hit the bottom but I do have a psychiatrist and social worker and I had an appointment with the social worker yesterday. She took me to the bank because I needed some cash then we drove through Burger King and i took it home and she and I had an hour’s talk.
I feel better today thanks

Many of these problems hit home for me. I had always been a healthy person. Suddenly, like a ton of bricks, bad things started happening. My husband died. We had been married for 59 years. His loss has been unbearable. Shortly thereafter I had to have a full hip replacement. Because there was no one to take care of me I had to go to one of those so-called skilled nursing facilities. Now I know what it is like to go hell. I had a serious falling out with my younger son. My older son lives and works in Asia and was not able to come to my assistance because of Covid. I had to have a biopsy on my scalp and the diagnosis is that it is irritated because of alopecia scarring. Will have to see what treatments the dermatologist has in mind. My orthopedic surgeon told me I was losing bone mass. So I have a bone scan coming up. After reading about the medications they give you for this situation I am inclined to take my chances. I do have a good therapist and she has diagnosed me with PTSD because of childhood trauma. All this has come crashing down on me and I already 88 years old. I was urged to go to one of those homes. I visited two of them and determined that they are not for me. I still have my mind and am living independently. I have a good cleaning person who comes every three weeks. I am able and capable of doing everything else for myself. I am able to drive - even on the freeway. At my age it is hard to plan ahead because you don't how much longer you will live. But I am determined to hang on to my independence as long as possible.

Hi @thisismarilynb -- so sorry to hear about the loss of your husband. That must be especially hard after 59 years of marriage. That's wonderful you had so many years together. Good to hear you are still independent and have such determination. Despite all of your challenges, you've powered through. Admirable. Like you, I want to stay in my own home until the end. I've written down a lot of my fun life stories for my son to have when I'm gone. Also memories from his childhood. Have you considered doing that for your kids and amy grandkids? I wish my parents and grandparents had done that for me. It will also give you a chance to re-live all the wonderful memories you had with your husband. Or just do it for yourself to keep the memories alive. It can be cathartic. Do you have to a local senior center to visit on occasion for some fun activities like bingo and games? You can chat, laugh and swap life stories with them too. My best to you.

Well, first off, it is off-putting for me to hear someone say "you are lucky." So, I will offer my thoughts, which might be just as negative to someone else. Perhaps the next time you "wish to die" you might consider the fact that you do not know what the next world will bring...maybe something even worse than where you are now! And, consider the person who attempts to take their own life and the attempt fails, and they are left in worse shape....like, WHAT have I done now? Perhaps you can reconsider your wishes; there may be better choices and thoughts for you to make.

One of the things that I have never mentioned in my posts is my fear of meeting new people. I am going to start working on that with my therapist. I had a very abusive mother and though it was so many years ago I still suffer from that abuse. I just cannot go into a public place alone. I feel as though I have a large neon sign on my head that says "here is someone who is alone because no one wants to have something to do with her." In actual fact I know this is not true, but my brain says it to me. I just am unable to smile and interact so I stay at home. I hope we can work on this. Thank you for your comments.

Hi @thisismarilynb -- Take baby steps and you'll get there. When I was a freshman in college I received the "Shyest on the Floor" award in my dorm at the end of the year. That was embarrassing. I had moved and changed schools too many times growing up and I just became more shy each time. I was tired of starting over and assumed everyone already had all the friends they needed. I thought I probably wouldn't fit in anyway. There are a lot of people in my life for the past 30 years that would find that very hard to believe. Now, I'm the organizer for neighborhood events with a lot of activity during the years in between. Mostly, I just forced myself to take risks. Who would have guessed? When I first moved into my current retirement community to help my ailing mother 7 years ago, I didn't know anyone. We have a performing arts center in here with lots of tribute concerts. So I decided to be bold. I grabbed a bunch of different concert flyers and went knocking on doors of single women I had seen out walking their dogs. I asked if they had been to any concerts and most hadn't. I said I was trying to get a group of ladies together to go, were they interested in any of these concerts, and I'll pick up the tickets. 4 out of 5 said yes to one or more concerts and we are still friends. One became a best friend and goes to all the concerts with me and more.

You just have to take risks and start small. Start with the intention of having a good time not only so you'll have fun, but so others around you enjoy your company and long for more. When you get together with someone, leave your woes at home. You can get back to those later. Maybe invite someone out to lunch, over for tea, for a walk, to see a movie or over to play cards. Treat it like a first date and be on your best behavior with a positive outlook and stories. They can hear about your challenges when you have an established relationship. If one person says no thank you, so what, ask someone else. Maybe take a neighbor a tray of cookies and introduce yourself before the invitation. Make it specific, "Would you like to come over tomorrow..." If you say, "Maybe sometime was can go to lunch" it probably won't happen. Maybe you can call the local senior center and ask them to start you out with a nice group of ladies at your table. Be bold. Tell yourself you can do this.

This is oversimplifying your self-limiting beliefs, but don't let the behavior or opinion of one person drive your relationship with others. You know your husband loved you, married you and stayed with you for 59 years so he thought you were worthy. 59 years is pretty impressive. I have faith that you can overcome this. You just need to find what works best for you.