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Hi @thisismarilynb -- so sorry to hear about the loss of your husband. That must be especially hard after 59 years of marriage. That's wonderful you had so many years together. Good to hear you are still independent and have such determination. Despite all of your challenges, you've powered through. Admirable. Like you, I want to stay in my own home until the end. I've written down a lot of my fun life stories for my son to have when I'm gone. Also memories from his childhood. Have you considered doing that for your kids and amy grandkids? I wish my parents and grandparents had done that for me. It will also give you a chance to re-live all the wonderful memories you had with your husband. Or just do it for yourself to keep the memories alive. It can be cathartic. Do you have to a local senior center to visit on occasion for some fun activities like bingo and games? You can chat, laugh and swap life stories with them too. My best to you.
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@thisismarilynb - you have given me hope that one can live on one's own terms, independent, caring, speaking one's own mind, and knowing what does and does not work for you, at any age.
I can only hope that I will retain my alertness, conscientiousness, awareness of and respect for others, and ability to manage and enjoy my own home independently as I grow in years. My privacy and personal space are highly important to me, even though I do find myself seeking, easily engaging with and energized by being around others for periods of time. Increasingly, I need time to regroup after that (nothing obvious to others, but seems to be even more important as I go along in life).
Maybe not surprisingly, (though at times it has been surprising and frustrating to me!), I have never been married, nor found a person who wanted that with me, other than 1 or 2 who were just going through the motions. So, no children, pretty much by intention, and happy that way. I guess I continue to be struggling in my internal life - all my life - because of what I have only recently been able to pin down as basic early-life needs not being met (though again you would NEVER know it to meet me, and I come from what others would deem a most successful, respectable and 'close' family).
Well, it's a trying day, even though it's sunny outside (and NO, I do not want to take a walk outside!
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One of the things that I have never mentioned in my posts is my fear of meeting new people. I am going to start working on that with my therapist. I had a very abusive mother and though it was so many years ago I still suffer from that abuse. I just cannot go into a public place alone. I feel as though I have a large neon sign on my head that says "here is someone who is alone because no one wants to have something to do with her." In actual fact I know this is not true, but my brain says it to me. I just am unable to smile and interact so I stay at home. I hope we can work on this. Thank you for your comments.