Suggestions on how to tell them they can't go home

It’s a rough situation but in my own opinion have a nice gentle conversation with him and gently tell him the truth and the reasons why. It will be an emotional time but keeping the news from him will probably make him angry. No one wants to hear it but as long as he knows and understands why might make it easier…..David

Good morning, @cec75 My name is Scott and I know this is a tough one for sure. One thing to remember is that your ex's dementia might make logical conversations on this, or any topic, impossible. Especially since memory is so often affected early in dementia patients.

If it were me, and this is just my personal opinion, I'd be inclined to stress the importance of safety for him, such as cooking, steps, maintenance, etc. With my wife, I often couched her changes (no driving, hospital bed, and more) in terms of safety for her and others. I also stayed away from using terms like 'never', 'gone', etc. I tried to keep things amorphous, knowing I'd most likely be having to have the same conversation again in the near future.

Strength, Courage, & Peace

Thank you so much for the responses. We are in a quandary of how to approach my ex-husband but we know that he will have to be told in the near future.
Has anyone had experience with this? I was wondering if there is any merit to having a dementia counselor there to help with the situation. We don't want him to feel as though we are ganging up on him though. Any suggestions or experiences with this?

Sorry to hear another person is facing dementia challenges!! Not a path anyone would sign up to live on.
The first thing to note is that you will have this conversation many times with your beloved person. The memory slate is often wiped completely clean (like in the movie "50 First Dates") so while support for you might be helpful, it may not be needed for your person. In all likelihood you will have this conversation many times.
One thing many people try is to acknowledge there are changes going on in your person's brain. They can often feel the loss of control of memory as they know they can't do many of the things they used to do. Doctors are trying to find the right way to slow down the loss. I told my husband we were working with the doctor to try to get his brain better which is part truth and part theraputic lie/fib. With Alzheimer's (in our case), there is no cure, only a continued trajectory of loss.
Does it really matter factually about his home? What I said was that as soon as the doctor said we could take him home, I would be there to pack his bags and we'd get out of Dodge. So the doctor was always referenced. And if God should heal his brain, it would not be a lie!! I would pack his bags and take him home!!
Does it hurt him not to know his home is not there? For us, yes. But for him, I am not so sure. Does it really change anything? One often hears a discussion about meeting a person where they are at, so you understand he wants to go home, he misses his home; acknowledge those emotions. We all feel best in our own home, with a greater feeling of control.
People talk about not telling a person each time they ask about their mother who has passed that "Mom is dead" because they suffer that grief each time!! I would say the same applies to the sale of the house. Why give needless grief? My husband thinks his car is still in the garage ready for him to drive; it doesn't hurt anything for him to believe it's still there as he no longer lives at home and can't access the car.
Talking about safety can be helpful. Also telling them how proud of them for doing all this work to get their brain stronger. Things like exercise, talking, eating good foods, participating in activities are part of a healthy life for all of us. I would try to appeal to a sense of 'normal' behavior as much as I could, because it's not talking down and it may resonate with memories for your person.
Remember no matter what you try, be as calm and as pleasant as you can because most of the time your person will soak up and reflect back your emotions!! It's called being a 'mood sponge.' Nothing will work all the time.
Join a support group, take a care giver's class, use supportive resources like the book "The 36-Hour Day" by Nancy Mace and Peter Rabins. Keep chatting like this to get support!!

How kind of you to be supportive of your ex in this situation. Someone has said, “ Home is not a place; it’s a feeling”. Almost every dementia, or even nursing home, patient I’ve known, wants to “go home”. As Ann said, I too, often told my dad that as soon as he got well, he could go home.
My husband who has advanced dementia wants to go “home” too, and we are home. I often just say, “We are supposed to stay here tonight. It’s too late and too dark to go anywhere tonight. We will try to go tomorrow.” Tomorrow we will likely have the same conversation, but it’s new to him.

I vote that there is no good reason he HAS to be told- why tell him something that will make him sad and angry? Does it really matter that he be told this upsetting information? Which he will most soon definitely forget? I use "the doctor wants you to stay here for now to get the extra support" (his PCP's suggestion). Then you turn the conversation to fun memories of things we did at the house when ...We've laughed and laughed about the time one of the kids.....or when Mother dropped the lasagna....
Who is telling him helping? Telling him will make YOU feel better as you tell yourself you're being honest, not hiding information, etc, but this is the time to think about him and his feelings.
I used to work in a SNF where a devout Catholic lady with Alzheimers would become quickly agitated that she needed to catch the bus to meet the Pope (he did come to Boston). We would say that he was running late and would be there to meet her. She would calm immediately. Did she need to be told the truth? It's called "Validation".

@cec75 I like many of the answers that members have given you. Maybe you could make assisted living a little more homelike. Maybe have “happy hour” with him once or twice a week. (No alcohol!). Or bring a few of his favorite things from home. Just a few suggestions to him so he will begin to think he is home.
What other things can you think of?

@cec75 I found this good article that talks about some ways to make the transition easier. The article was talking about moving parents, but so much applies to moving a spouse also.
https://workingdaughter.com/when-you-move-a-parent-to-assisted-living/#:~:text=Senior%20living%20experts%20say%20it,health%2C%20security%2C%20sanity).
Let me know what you think

Thank you. I think there are some good points in this. My 98-yr-old mother fell yesterday and this is a good reminder of assisted living may be around the corner. She is very sharp - they did a thorough check on her at ER and all tests indicate she is fine. Her mobility issues are what concern us.

As for my ex-husband, he is already in an upscale assisted living facility - he has 2 bedrooms that are filled with furniture and art from our former home in New Mexico. I think that if this facility had more people he would be happier.
Unfortunately, my ex spoke to someone, we do not know who, that informed him that his home in NM had been sold. This alarmed him and he called me and left a voicemail indicating this and that he was trying to compose himself. He is very cognizant of where he used to live and he is very invested in his home and everything in it. He has been saying he wants to go home and get his car and drive back to Ohio and start taking things to our former home. He actually started to hitch hike and was found on an interstate ramp. We were afraid for him and have definitely avoided telling him the truth about the house. I'm hearing others echo the same. We have skirted the issue and one suggestion was to tell him that as soon as the doctors indicate he can return then he will.

Hi Becky,
My ex-husband's assisted living home is high end - he has 2 bedrooms with large windows, I went to NM to fill a POD with furniture, clothes, art, etc from our home. I sent the POD on its way and then drove across country with our 15 yr old dog and a car loaded with the more fragile and expensive stuff.
The problem is that he is lonely and I he misses his house in NM. I don't think my son sees him very often and I know my DIL considers it an obligation to see him. I tucked that little comment in my memory bank - if I ever need help in the future I will know where not to go.