Spouse with cognitive problems and finances

JJ -- So sorry to hear about your situation... and you folks are so young!

Think you're doing the right things... defusing immediate emotional events, following through thereafter as needed, and keeeping the MD and attorney informed.

If you're not already doing so, please also consider adding some stress-relieving activities. I'm sure all of us can benefit from these.

All the best... hang in there!

/LarryG

Bill just came home from his second trip to the hospital within a month. This time he had to go in for C.Diff, which he got from antibiotics he had to take the first time, the hospital or the Nursing Home. Picked him up yesterday and he threw a fit in front of the nurse, attacking daughter and myself. Same last night. Not looking forward to today (he is still sleeping). When he gets like this he wants to go live by himself and take his share of our funds. For one thing there is no way he could live by himself. He is unable to do most normal living items. He is also anemic and malnutritional as he never wants to eat - hospital couldn't get him to eat either.
Now to get him calmed down.

Hi, so sorry you and your daughter have to go through all of this! Does anyone know why or what has prompted him to get so angry and out of control?
And not eating? Sounds like a temper tantrum to me. I’m surprised you want him back home when he is so mean. You know him better than anyone else and he could come out of his angry mood the next day, not remembering what happened the day before. Nevertheless, you and Robin need to help each other find some peace amongst all of this.

He has always had a temper and can be utterly charming. But he used to have some 'filters'. The dementia seems to have done away with a lot of those. He is a Dr J and Mr Hyde.
This morning he is just grumpy.

We caregivers have to be strong, take many deep breaths, take care of ourselves and carry on. Keep reminding ourselves that it's the disease causing the person to lash out. In his right or former mind, he probably wouldn't do that. Yet it's so difficult not to have our loved one's anger or depression hurt us. What a cruel disease this is that makes a person who needs caregivers so much act sometimes act in so many ways to drive them away.

Could it be they are angry with themselves because they feel guilty having loved ones taking care of them? Do they perhaps feel as if they aren’t worth such care but know they are helpless without his family’s help?
Maybe a geriatric neurologist would be helpful?

I think it’s more the “You only hurt the ones you love”, the husbands with anger issues are always charming to the outside world and rage behind closed doors. They NEVER treat co-workers, supervisors, church family, or friends like they do to their wives and (maybe) children. It’s a “tale as old as time”.
The dementia makes them more irritable, less able to see “reason”, more angry and sensitive to being “bossed around” by their wives trying to get them to take their meds, eat, shower, get in the car for appointments, use your cane, etc, etc.
Please- if he starts with terrible accusations, raises a hand or closed fist to you, start quietly looking at assisted livings. Next time he goes into the hospital, have him go directly to the AL (although my husband was fully ambulatory, I paid for wheelchair transport to avoid any drama), to “recuperate”. His doctor told him he needed “extra support”.
My husband is SO much happier and healthier in AL. He loves the attention from the “girls” on staff, he takes his meals and meds willingly, he has made a group of guy friends. He asked a lot about coming home the first few weeks, I kept repeating the support phrase, he doesn’t ask now. He likes his easy chair, his TV, his little fridge with soda and water. He is doing so well with the structured environment of that setting.
I don’t bring him home or near our neighborhood. I take him to appointments and then we go to his favorite breakfast/lunch place afterwards. He loves the attention of the wait staff, then back to the AL, he’s tired, happy to go back to his chair.
Talk to your county Area Agency on Aging people, they’ll give you info as to how to manage the costs, an Elder Law attorney can help. If you have to use savings, or a reverse mortgage, or something else, do it. Living like this is beyond stressful and it will only get worse. I felt like the frog in the boiling water by the time I realized I had to do something to not be in the same house with him.

Hi, a story with a happy ending! Both of you are happy and getting the care you both need!
I congratulate you!!
I believe there has to be a fine line between loving someone who abuses you and you taking the abuse in the name of love. It doesn’t mean you are a cold hearted b——because you want the best care for your loved one and for yourself! It’s just that the line has been crossed and you both need help from different sources. And don’t feel guilty getting him help elsewhere because you are no longer able or you are getting resistance from him. Finding a home with equipped care and emphatic staff would be the best for you both because your loved one is sick - no one caused him to be sick, no one can cure his sickness, and no one can control his disease. That would be a Super-Human who would burn out very quickly.
Good intentions are one thing - being a martyr is another. Let go of him, just as you let go of your children. It was hard, but you knew you had to let them go, so they could become their own person.
God’s blessings to you and Robin and all caregivers in this world.

Sorry, explaining description of staff:
should be “empathetic” staff, not “emphatic” staff.
Thank you!

I am entering the same situation as the two ladies before me. I am still impressed with the decisions they made. However, my biggest worry is the financial aspect of this situation.