Married Men and Sex

I have had a wife that had a sexual relationship in a fantasy type of way with another man for a year and a half. The fantasy during the relationship was almost abusive. Fantasies, to some extent are real, but when someone lets them take over a relationship it can be devestating. Many times during the most wonderful parts of our intimate moments, my wifes mind seemed to be elsewhere. We suffered a terrible separation and I am still realing from the effects. Even though I thought the relationship was ok to a certain extent, I always felt violated. I am not sure how to explain how something in a relationship changes, but one can tell. It is a hard road to follow when someone leaves the relationship to pursue something else.

Your wife's mind seemed to be elsewhere because it was. You were wrong to think the relationship was ok, the man just used your wife and she has paid a royal price I am certain. Maybe you should consider the reasons that your wife would possibly consider having a fantasy instead of being there with you. I don't think alot of men are very sensitive to the needs of their wives. I also don't think alot of men care more for their wives than they do their self interests. Put yourself in your wife's shoes sometime and think about it.

You felt violated because you were.

Gosh. I wish I could think that it is one sided. I appreciate the response though. But in the interest of the relationship, I was somewhat weirded out by the whole thing. I don't know what more that I could have done other than show my affection and how much I care. I think the who relationship, knowing that we are now getting a divorce, was based on sexuality. It was kind of like a sickness. I had my own issues to deal with - mental health wise - but with the way that things went, it was like I was being taught a lesson. I just don't understand the circumstances why a fantasy and a fantasy person would be so much more attractive than being with your partner in real life - to the point of alienating the person you love. Strange. But it is a real life situation. Unfortunately, we have both decided to move on. It was for the best, but not without a lot of heartache - due to the natural tendency to be with another person after so long.

I'm sorry your marriage is ending, I think you are better off without a woman that is fantasizing about another man when she is with you. For whatever reason she did so, it is much healthier mentally for both of you to be away from one another. I don't think people that truly love one another fantasize about others. Maybe I'm old fashioned but I'd like to believe that healthy men and women partners can love one another for who they are and not get caught up in some sexual addiction with a fantasy. I personally think that the only reason people get into the fantasy sex is because they are trying to make themselves feel better. Orgasms make people feel good. Some people are addicted to them just like some people are addicted to drugs or alcohol. Sexual addiction is common in our society. I don't think it means everyone that has fantasy sex has an addiction, just that it is not a normal loving partnership if one practices the fantasy sex because they are either not in love with their partner or have some sort of anger towards them that prohibits them from loving them.

It is refreshing to read something that seems so honest and normal.

Sorry to read of your plight. Maybe you were being punished. My husband punished me for a long time before I realized it. Unfortunately, things didn't work out.

would you feel the same if your wife expressed the same interests? i think not.

I would be suprised if someone told me he has never had a fantasy about other woman irrespective of marriage. Attraction and fantasy are normal biological reactions.
Pornography is also fantasy, which is popular recreation for millions of men and is harmless. Not to act on your particular fantasy is to respect society norms. If your fantasy is likely to consume you so much that you will one day be driven by temptation to act it out you are in a dangerous zone. If the fantasy is innocuous it is wise not to share with your spouse.

Pornography is not harmless. I definitely disagree with that statement. Married men that view pornography are harming their relationships with their wives. It is degrading to women and not at all honoring a mate behaving in that way. Husbands don't realize how hurtful viewing pornography is to their wives.