Why did I relapse?

Posted by va1994 @va1994, Dec 17, 2021

I was doing very well after visiting Florida for my first inpatient rehab experience, despite being shipped around to 4 centers and feeling out of place, even with the out of place-ers. Sponsor had his eyes one me though... as did a mutual friend (who I did NOT ever use with, nor was aware that he did). Mutual arranged the meet-up and offered the pipe... Despite 9 months clean and not looking back once.. That was too much for me, and I caved. Sponsor walked in from the bathroom right then. since then, I have relapsed 4 times.

I have had a really difficult time getting back into recovery, trusting, or believing anybody. Now 27, and unemployed for the first time in my life-I have found that state funded facilities are quite a major step down in terms of standards of living for me and I really hated it. I am not a prince, I don't expect top-of-the-line private Cal. King rooms and ensuite baths, but I don't want to share a bathroom with 7 homeless people-not being pretentious, I just thing that there are two different goal sets there and I am in a different one (i.e. how to do laundry, how to make a bed, how to clean a bathroom and yourself vs. making a resume after a stent in rehab, re-entering a career field after recovery, getting out of debt and rebuilding credit, etc.) ESPECIALLY if I am the only one who knows how to clean a bathroom/use a kitchen.

In the past, I have been able to get clean on my own, but I now have serious health concerns as well-that is a major (and more immediate) problem in itself. I have stopped drugs, but the problems now, are A) I was already ADHD (diagnosed at 5, tried every drug under the sun from then until 7th grade) and now I cannot function without meth, and B) I am seriously concerned about my mental health regarding this new diagnosis-I exhibit symptoms of brain involvement based on what I am reading, and unfortunately, without meth, I sleep through appointments, and forget about them... I need inpatient care, like yesterday. I am demented and quickly losing the ability to advocate for myself. I Need to get welll for my mother. This is really a last-ditch effort-im giving up real soon :/

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Addiction & Recovery Support Group.

Amanda Roe | @amandajro | Dec 17, 2021

Hello @va1994 and welcome to Mayo Clinic Connect. I am glad you reached out to share your story and to get help from this community.

I am not sure if your program(s) have ever shared this with you or not but my husband attended Hazelden in Minnesota, which is now merged with Betty Ford Foundation, and one thing that was talked about is how relapse is part of every addicts journey in some way and not to be ashamed of it so long as you can do the next right thing for your recovery.

The journey can be complicated but in terms of keeping it simple, what is the next right thing that you can do to get back to recovery?

Teresa, Volunteer Mentor | @hopeful33250 | Dec 18, 2021

Hello @va1994

I can understand that you must feel very disappointed because of the ups and downs of your recovery, but what Amanda,@amandajro, said is so true. Recovery has a lot of ups and downs. If you think of the process of sobriety as a journey, this might help you. On any journey, we sometimes take a wrong turn and end up on the wrong road. So, it is a good idea to plan for temptations but it is also important to accept the fact that if you slip back into addiction, it is also possible to get back into recovery mode, or on the right road.

I would like to invite some people who have dealt with recovery in the past to talk with you about their recovery journey, @jonasd, @roch, @viola, @jennymja, @dmcdaniel1, @rathdowney, @soberkat11.

Support groups and insight-oriented personal counseling sessions can be very helpful. Have you committed to attending personal counseling or 12 Step groups on a regular basis?

Laurie, Volunteer Mentor | @roch | Dec 18, 2021

va1994 @va1994

First, good for you for admitting your relapse and realizing you need help.
Recovery is not easy, but do not let a relapse stop your progress. You did it once, you can do it again.

I was betrayed by people I trusted in recovery, and it makes it very hard to trust again. Addicts are very good at manipulating people, so as much as you want a supportive group of peers, you do need to be careful. There are many recovered addicts who really want to help others.

It is very hard to treat addition when there are other medical issues involved. Many addicts have dual diagnosis of mental health and addiction. If only treat one problem and ignore the other, it is very hard to succeed.

If you have not had physical exam or meet with a psychiatrist recently, I suggest you do that so you are treating the entire body, not just the addiction. You need a strong body and mind to recover.

Also, once you are done with inpatient, make sure you have a plan for follow up treatment. Either ongoing outpatient treatment and / or regular therapist appointments. Inpatient treatment is just first step in very long process.

Treatment is a very expensive process and unfortunately without excellent insurance, your options are limited. But, do not make it an excuses to fail, instead look at it as a challenge you can overcome.

Keep advocating for yourself

Laurie

jonasd | @jonasd | Dec 19, 2021

@va1994 Is you need to talk feel free to reach me

va1994 | @va1994 | Dec 19, 2021

In reply to @roch "va1994 @va1994 First, good for you for admitting your relapse and realizing you need help. Recovery..." + (show)

A nice phone lady got me in on financial assistance to a local place. Thank God. It is dual diagnosis, I think it's silly to even have a rehab that isn't... to anyone with the ability to critically think it should be quite clear that addiction is a mental illness.

Side note:the biggest issue in my life right now is a parasitic strongyloides infection. In 7 months and 6 er visits (different hospitals) nobody will evaluate me, just a drug screen and tell me to stop meth. I think the rash is finally visible enough that they'll listen and treat it, then I can go to rehab tomorrow.

va1994 | @va1994 | Dec 19, 2021

In reply to @hopeful33250 "Hello @va1994 I can understand that you must feel very disappointed because of the ups and..." + (show)

Yes I have an annoyingly persistent support network omg. I'd upload a pic but I don't know, hippaa? 🤔

chriseliz | @chriseliz | Dec 25, 2021

In reply to @amandajro "Hello @va1994 and welcome to Mayo Clinic Connect. I am glad you reached out to share..." + (show)

Thanks for the encouragement and non judgemental feeling.

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