Problems with adult children being extremely critical

Posted by junkartist @junkartist, Mar 16, 2021

I am at the absolute bottom trying to hang in there, have people to talk to. This has been going on all year. Starting with my oldest being viciously critical of me. I finally backed off of arguing with her and we are communicating online. She just recently sent me a sarcastic email, but I didn't get into a conflict with her and replied calmly to her.

About October, my middle child stopped talking to me. If he did, he sounded very angry. I don't know what's been going on with him, but I suspect it is related to telling her I talked to her father more than a year ago. (She broke relationships with her family, maybe 2 years ago.)

I felt much better when all of my 3 children talked to me on the phone at Christmas. In the last month, my youngest son, who is gay, told me that he was having mental health problems because of not getting what he needed as a gay person when he was young. Before, he always seemed happy and affectionate. I did not know he was gay until he came out after college. He has given my husband and I a book about emotional neglect.

I am extremely low, obsessing about negative things (of my whole past), and generally moving through molasses I have a supportive husband, some good friends, and a good therapist.

Thank you for listening.

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Depression & Anxiety Support Group.

junkartist | @junkartist | May 19, 2021

In reply to @junkartist "No grandchildren in sight. Another heartbreak" + (show)

Everything I say to them seems to be the wrong thing to say

Teresa, Volunteer Mentor | @hopeful33250 | May 19, 2021

In reply to @junkartist "Everything I say to them seems to be the wrong thing to say" + (show)

That is a tough place to be, @junkartist. Do you think they would be receptive to cards and letters that might affirm your love for them?

It might be a way to express your feelings for them and to keep the lines of communication open. I'm not sure how it would be received, but you might consider doing so down the road.

We have a discussion group on Journaling, which you might take a look at, Journaling – The Write Stuff For You?
Here is the link, https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/journaling-the-write-stuff-for-you/t. It has examples of the ways people journal about their feelings.

Keep talking about your feelings of loss and disappointment. Believe it or not, this is healthy and will be good for you.

I care about you. Will you keep posting and provide updates on how you are doing?

junkartist | @junkartist | May 19, 2021

In reply to @hopeful33250 "That is a tough place to be, @junkartist. Do you think they would be receptive to..." + (show)

Thank you. I have been considering cards. Not sure how they would be received. Maybe for the future. I have journaled off and on for a very long time. I will try the group to see about a different way of approaching it.

Teresa, Volunteer Mentor | @hopeful33250 | May 19, 2021

In reply to @junkartist "I haven't posted for a long time. Problems with adult children got worse. My youngest had..." + (show)

@junkartist I hope it helps, Keep in touch.

pbmom | @pbmom | May 20, 2021

In reply to @junkartist "I haven't posted for a long time. Problems with adult children got worse. My youngest had..." + (show)

I feel your pain. My adult son lives with us and has suffered for 8+ years with major depression and hypersomnia. He wants to be independent, and thinks that means not telling me anything so I won't be critical. Similarly he wants extravagant praise for small items. He has always been more emotionally sensitive and fragile than his parents, both of whom are INTJ on the old type talk categories. While I have no answers, the concepts in the book "How to talk so your children will listen and listen so kids will talk" are worthy, as are the old type talk differences. I'm also exploring whether a book called "Living Well on the Spectrum" has points to consider. Inviting them to "an excellent meal" and biting your tongue to not bring up anything of a personal nature sometimes helps. Good luck, keep trying, but hope there's a backdoor to re-engage.

davej | @davej | May 21, 2021

In reply to @junkartist "I haven't posted for a long time. Problems with adult children got worse. My youngest had..." + (show)

My wife's dad never had anything good to say about her or anyone and one day it came to a head and she said if you dont have anything good to say dont say it. 15 years later still no conversation between them and no relationship in sight.

junkartist | @junkartist | May 21, 2021

In reply to @pbmom "I feel your pain. My adult son lives with us and has suffered for 8+ years..." + (show)

Thank you. I'll look into those books

junkartist | @junkartist | May 21, 2021

In reply to @davej "My wife's dad never had anything good to say about her or anyone and one day..." + (show)

It's good to know that other people have the same problems. Thanks for your story.

pbmom | @pbmom | May 22, 2021

In reply to @junkartist "I haven't posted for a long time. Problems with adult children got worse. My youngest had..." + (show)

The husband (now deceased) of a friend went through silence periods with one daughter, the biggest being about 5 years! He did pay for her college despite that, but she remained bitter. He was on depression meds, and probably resisted more or they weren't working. Keeping a line of communication open is hard but necessary

junkartist | @junkartist | May 22, 2021

In reply to @pbmom "The husband (now deceased) of a friend went through silence periods with one daughter, the biggest..." + (show)

All still keep some communication with the children. My youngest recently broke the silence. I'm glad I have him. I'm trying to keep busy. One person said you can only knock on doors so many times. It's hard to keep my mind off them, but it doesn't always work.