Caregiving: I’m frustrated and exhausted.

Good point, @gingerw. I say that our family history should be a history lesson. As we learn from the past we can correct the future. I hope that makes sense to someone other than me!

I informed my 3 sons and a daughter about 2 years ago when their father entered the care center, that I did not want any fighting when he and I were gone. If there was a disagreement, they should "draw straws" to see who would get the first choice. My brother and sister did that when my mother passed. Then we could trade with each other if they had something that we wanted and vice versa.

I asked my children to let me know if there were particular things they wanted as I had several pieces of furniture which were either made by my father or had been handed down through the generations for over a hundred years. The pieces are marked so that after I no longer have a use for them, they will go to the person choosing them. We have to remember we will not live forever and we must make it as easy as possible for family members when we are gone. I have helped clean out 4 homes of family members when they could no longer live in them or had died. I do not want to leave that to my children.

My brother died 2003, Since we both had PTSD in very different ways. When he was in ICU, still able to correspond he was my big brother but put me down so much. I needed to be close to him, asked him if I could lay down with him like old times, he said no! Asked him If I could hold his hand, no! I felt like a little girl again but this time my good ole brother rejected me again. After he died my sister-in-law would throw that in my face. I made the worst mistake by telling her what my brother said to me. My parents Grandchildren never went to their funerals. At my brothers funeral his 3 children spoke about their father BUT his sister, mother, niece were never mentioned. I should have stood up, tactfully mentioned that he had the other members of family. dam, I'm crying now. My father started drinking after he married his second wife 30 years younger 5 years older than me. She cheated on my father. She married for what he had $$. foolish! I with you both a good evening!

Sorry, my "with" sounds like "TWEETY BIRD".

Thank You Everyone!!!!

Hi, sorry to hear of your situation, I'm a caregiver too. I have been taking care of my younger brother ( he has brain damage since he was 2 years old..He has lived with me for 49 years. Our parents passed away when he was 19 yrs old.. My husband was very understanding at the time and of making the decision of Group Home or with family.. we chose to keep him out of the Group Home then. My Husband passed away 4 yrs ago.. Now it is just me.
At times it gets to be very difficult for appointments and caring for him. He is 68 years old now. I understand what you are going through. I too love my younger Brother very much. Sincerely, Sylvia

Hi @kimspr3 Your post brought a flood of memories back to me. First how disease can take control of a person and change them in ways we wish they never did. When my wife was in a coma her sister told our daughter and I we should 'just let her die' and not do emergency surgery. We did anyway and some years later my wife overheard me telling that to our son on the phone and things with her sister never healed.

The most memories, though, came back regarding my wife's funeral. She was largely abandoned by family and friends during her years of illness. My side of the family thought she was 'faking it' and I was exaggerating her condition 'for sympathy'. They never changed that view. Friends and other family simply chose to ignore her while she was fighting her war. Late in her illness my wife decided to design her own Celebration of Life. She asked me to write it all down and share it with our children so they knew what she wanted. Then she asked me to get a second sheet of paper to write down the people I was to invite to her Celebration. I said 'honey, folks usually don't invite people to a service, anyone who wants to just shows up.' She said 'not mine! I do not want anyone in our home blowing smoke up your a*s about how much they cared about me when I was sick, after I am dead.' She gave me her list. Her notice said 'a service will follow' and we did that service private for those invited only. My wife knew well that would happen, too! The first person I heard from was a sister who blasted me about not being there saying 'well, we wanted to be there to show you how much we cared'.

14 years too late!

Thanks for sharing and letting me get this off my chest -- I feel better already! These things I have come to accept, but accepting never means they didn't hurt.

Strength, courage, and peace!

PS Thanks for the laugh --- and I'll add 'I tawt I taw a puddy tat!'

I pray that all of you are able to defuse your own personal tension and mine the depths of your love to get you through each day. You are already living out your grief, which is part of your daily pain. It helps to know this. Know that you really can't control anyone else, only love and help them to the best of your ability (which is often never enough). My wife had vascular dementia and in the last few years became a "rage-a-holic" - a situation that at times was hardly tolerable. At times, I had to lock myself in a room. Near the end she was beating doors and walls, throwing things, pulling knives, stabbing furniture and taking her therapy dog on mystery drives around town, professing to search for the police to report my ill treatment of her dog, which was in her mind. It was nothing less than the worse that I could imagine. In the end, I earned the support of the community and the police, which helped to take away some of the heartrending agony, self-doubt, and the feelings of guilt of never being able to do enough. You must forgive yourself for being human, and take a measure of healing in knowing that you are able to truly help, when few others would, or could. In the end, you have and continue to supply what is required in the moment.

I think it was my "with?"

I'm having a difficult time expressing myself. I have had cancer, I'm fine now. Before treatment began the dr., social worker had a little get together to explain what is a head for us. I distinctly remember the Social Worker saying, when you have cancer your loved ones "loved ones!" have it also threw you. I saw families, friends in the "Chemo Room" they needed to be there, patient needed it. My daughter was there. Brother lived 15 min. away from the hospital, his wife not far, their children N.A. they could have easily stopped during treatment. Never helped my husband, brought a morsel. When he had cancer I was there even brought my dog for his comfort. What I admire about your wife know matter how ill she felt she took control away from them, did the right thing. Her wishes were yours and your children. I hope that brought her some peace.

I don't know how long I will be here I will never have that SATISFACTION, I need so badly. I met my brothers future wife when I was 13, gradually he became her. My parents and hers fought constantly. A funny thing happened when they got married. It was a Black Tie wedding. Mens pants were shorter and you could see their socks. My father walked down the isle wearing white socks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! There was a bit of a tiff, the reception went on.

I have a very hard time excepting the painful things in my life, wish I could. Validation is to me an important word that has never been given to me.

I hope I expressed myself ok. Let's give us a HIGH FIVE!