Loss: What Do You Do When There is No Closure?

Good morning,

I am sorry to hear of the loss of your friend, and that you were unable to participate in her official memorial. You may have to create your own, very personal memorial of sorts. You and your friend shared moments together that belong to only you and only you would know how to memorialize that.

But even that may not bring what you seek. Closure is a strange animal; it can come quickly or take years.

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I am very sorry to hear of the loss of your dear friend. It must have been such a shock to hear that she had passed when you were hoping to see her again. Also to have shared a rare cancer (I imagine) would have been a special and unique bond that you may have not experienced with many others. That makes the loss even more unique.

Reading your post has been helpful to me because I have felt alone in the grief I experience from the death of friends' children from last summer. My baby was in the PICU all last summer, so we became close with four families whose children were also in intensive care...some from rare autoimmune disease, some from cancer, some from tragic accidents. Although we were strangers at the beginning of the summer, those intense weeks of living together in incredibly emotional life or death for our children situations brought us instantly close. We shared our deepest fears and most terrifying moments. Since then, every one of the children has passed away. Some of the ways I found out about the children's passing was traumatic. I have kept in touch with some of the parents, but others, in the overwhelming circumstances, we didn't think to exchange contact info. So I have no way of getting in touch with them. It has left me feeling isolated in my grief with a lot of pain for the families. I think of them often, planted trees in their honor, but still feel there is a lot missing in my being able to process the trauma and loss. I would love to hear how others have dealt with this type of grief as well.

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This is my recent story....
It is also on the Grief and Loss site.

Recent, totally sudden, traumatic loss of our daughter, 45.
Posted by ihtak46 @ihtak46, 5 days ago

I just returned from our girls week at 8pm on June 2 and talked to my husband about what fun our daughter and I had that week. Every year I visit her for girls week. At 6:15am that very next morning our son in law called us. We immediately, in shock packed and drove to Ohio ( we live in SC). Our daughter didnt make it to the hospital. I still cant believe shes gone. We are lost, empty and feel its all surreal.
Our daughter was generally fine, however she was taking Tamoxifin which has several bad side effects, worse of which is blood clots, which is what happened.
She was taking it for a year and her doctor only saw her twice. She also had other side effects, etc. I will write more later. We need help dealing. She was our only sweet child, a teacher and LOVED by everyone. She was amazing and was involved in many charities, projects, always giving, loving, helped everyone with anything, kind, people loved her.
We cant deal with this well; cant believe shes gone. We have no family here in SC (Hilton Head area). Not many friends ( they all work, we are retired) so its tough. Her school had a beautiful tribute to her by having a concert, a parade and candle-prayer Virgil. Hundreds of cards were received by us when we came home. I miss my sweet daughter so bad. We cry every day, just sick! Please help. My friend, Terri Martin who also belongs to Mayo Clinic Connect suggested I seek help with Mayo Clinic. Terri is wonderful!
Thank you.
Our daughter just “celebrated”
(July 28) her 15th Wedding Anniversary in Heaven. Yesterday, Aug 1 was her 46th birthday. Help!

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This is my recent story....
It is also on the Grief and Loss site.

Recent, totally sudden, traumatic loss of our daughter, 45.
Posted by ihtak46 @ihtak46, 5 days ago

I just returned from our girls week at 8pm on June 2 and talked to my husband about what fun our daughter and I had that week. Every year I visit her for girls week. At 6:15am that very next morning our son in law called us. We immediately, in shock packed and drove to Ohio ( we live in SC). Our daughter didnt make it to the hospital. I still cant believe shes gone. We are lost, empty and feel its all surreal.
Our daughter was generally fine, however she was taking Tamoxifin which has several bad side effects, worse of which is blood clots, which is what happened.
She was taking it for a year and her doctor only saw her twice. She also had other side effects, etc. I will write more later. We need help dealing. She was our only sweet child, a teacher and LOVED by everyone. She was amazing and was involved in many charities, projects, always giving, loving, helped everyone with anything, kind, people loved her.
We cant deal with this well; cant believe shes gone. We have no family here in SC (Hilton Head area). Not many friends ( they all work, we are retired) so its tough. Her school had a beautiful tribute to her by having a concert, a parade and candle-prayer Virgil. Hundreds of cards were received by us when we came home. I miss my sweet daughter so bad. We cry every day, just sick! Please help. My friend, Terri Martin who also belongs to Mayo Clinic Connect suggested I seek help with Mayo Clinic. Terri is wonderful!
Thank you.
Our daughter just “celebrated”
(July 28) her 15th Wedding Anniversary in Heaven. Yesterday, Aug 1 was her 46th birthday. Help!

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I am so sorry for your loss. It stands to reason that you would have such major grief losing a daughter who was so close to you. The fact that her death was so unexpected has compounded the difficulty of accepting the reality. This is still fresh and painful in a way only time can address. Have you learned of any grief groups in your area? How do you feel about grief counseling? While it would be helpful and meaningful to have friends at times like this, even that sometimes isn't enough. It is encouraging that you are able to reach out for help, because there is help available for you. Specialists can help you identify your own particular needs, and those things that are most possible to help you going forward. Do not hesitate to see your primary care physician. In addition to helping you make healthy choices, you may find that perhaps medication will help you maximize your efforts to care for yourself. Sometimes our thinking doesn't even make sense, as wanting the pain to stop, yet not wanting that at the same time. I once thought the pain of loss was what helped me maintain my memories. Not true, but at one moment it made all the sense in the world. Good luck to you in finding what you need, Know there just isn't a "normal grief" path where one size fits all. And remember how you have recovered from grief in your past, for this is the same in that respect. You will be okay. Not the same, but okay. Please be gentle with yourself as you find your best path. Thank you for trusting yourself and the Connect community. Will you let us know how you are doing as you find your way?
Nancy

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