Loss: What Do You Do When There is No Closure?

Posted by Teresa, Volunteer Mentor @hopeful33250, Jun 18, 2019

I recently experienced the loss of a very fine friend. We were more than friends, but kindred spirits. You see, we both shared a very rare form of cancer and she was going through some very difficult treatments. One day after her last treatment I texted her to find out how she was doing. Her spouse called me back to say that she had died and the funeral service had already occurred. I felt at a loss. My grief was compounded in that I did not have an opportunity to gather with her other friends and family members at a service to share with them.

As I was dealing with this loss and my sense of not experiencing closure I thought that many of you might have experienced something similar. Perhaps it was a loss due to a sudden, unexpected death because of an accident, crime or suicide.

I would be interested in knowing how you handled your grief. I welcome any suggestions that you can offer. Will you share with me?

Hello, No Closure. I know and absolutely understand told being told that someone you loved is gone. It hurts and the what if's? I should have? Why wasn't I told? No has that right to take away that moment We had a right to share and say, So Long! My husbands first cousin died, his daughter died a few months earlier. We received a call MUCH LATER from his son he that he had passed away. I went into hysterics. Did not have the presents of mind to let him know exactly how I felt! He lived in a different state I would call him. We had such memorable conversations. Let me know that my husband was always like as he is now. He had Leukemia, Diabetes and he suffered for a long time. His daughter had severe medical issues. No I will never have closure until I write that letter to his wife and children.

I will never have closure with my daughter and my brothers wife, her adult children.

Hello Kathi, I can't find the words to say how deeply I feel for your loss. Hope you have a lot of support at this time.

REPLY
@ihtak46

This is my recent story….
It is also on the Grief and Loss site.

Recent, totally sudden, traumatic loss of our daughter, 45.
Posted by ihtak46 @ihtak46, 5 days ago

I just returned from our girls week at 8pm on June 2 and talked to my husband about what fun our daughter and I had that week. Every year I visit her for girls week. At 6:15am that very next morning our son in law called us. We immediately, in shock packed and drove to Ohio ( we live in SC). Our daughter didnt make it to the hospital. I still cant believe shes gone. We are lost, empty and feel its all surreal.
Our daughter was generally fine, however she was taking Tamoxifin which has several bad side effects, worse of which is blood clots, which is what happened.
She was taking it for a year and her doctor only saw her twice. She also had other side effects, etc. I will write more later. We need help dealing. She was our only sweet child, a teacher and LOVED by everyone. She was amazing and was involved in many charities, projects, always giving, loving, helped everyone with anything, kind, people loved her.
We cant deal with this well; cant believe shes gone. We have no family here in SC (Hilton Head area). Not many friends ( they all work, we are retired) so its tough. Her school had a beautiful tribute to her by having a concert, a parade and candle-prayer Virgil. Hundreds of cards were received by us when we came home. I miss my sweet daughter so bad. We cry every day, just sick! Please help. My friend, Terri Martin who also belongs to Mayo Clinic Connect suggested I seek help with Mayo Clinic. Terri is wonderful!
Thank you.
Our daughter just “celebrated”
(July 28) her 15th Wedding Anniversary in Heaven. Yesterday, Aug 1 was her 46th birthday. Help!

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My thoughts and heart are with you and your husband.

REPLY
@kimspr3

Hello, No Closure. I know and absolutely understand told being told that someone you loved is gone. It hurts and the what if's? I should have? Why wasn't I told? No has that right to take away that moment We had a right to share and say, So Long! My husbands first cousin died, his daughter died a few months earlier. We received a call MUCH LATER from his son he that he had passed away. I went into hysterics. Did not have the presents of mind to let him know exactly how I felt! He lived in a different state I would call him. We had such memorable conversations. Let me know that my husband was always like as he is now. He had Leukemia, Diabetes and he suffered for a long time. His daughter had severe medical issues. No I will never have closure until I write that letter to his wife and children.

I will never have closure with my daughter and my brothers wife, her adult children.

Hello Kathi, I can't find the words to say how deeply I feel for your loss. Hope you have a lot of support at this time.

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kimspr3
You have had quite a bit if loss and deep sadness. If we could only share the sadness and emptiness. I pray you find closure and soon are strong enough to write that letter.
Talk of support for me, for us….we live 600 miles from our home town, where Kirstin lived and Chad live. Most of our family are inOhio, Az and Mi. Few friends here. We love where we live but many people are not friendly. Other than two couples here we really dont have anyone close. Yes, it is hard. I know of two support groups nearby. My husband wouldnt mind going but he said he didnt want to hear others sad stories because itd make him sad and hes aching enough. I try to get through the day but I think of Kirstin almost constantly. Things remind me of her. God, she was incredible; so loving, sweet, big, warm heart, giving…..I can go on. She truly was ‘one of a kind’.
Being an only child her and I were very close. Right now, Id gladly change places with her. We didnt see each other near often enough…..beginning of June ( girls week, I stayed 10 days), Easter Break, (week)Thanksgiving and Christmas. (Both a week). She always wanted me to fly down more often, but my husband is….I dont know, he’d prefer I stayed home. A bit controlling maybe. That made her angry with him. I guess we all have regrets.
I was with her the evening before the morning she passed.
This is a nightmare. Im so in denial, angry, lost, pissed off, lonely and in pain, emotionally.
Dont know what to do; probably should go to the support group. Is there one online from Mayo? Id like on online!
Thank you do much.
Kathi
Theres a ton of posts, etc on Facebook under her name (Kirstin Fodor Wallace). I think its still on there. Or
mine. (Kathi Jacobs Fodor).
She was a teacher and an amazing one. Oh the greatness she accomplished. Unreal! She so loved her kiddios. And….more.
Sorry for going on.

REPLY

Hi Again, happy to hear from you! We all look back thinking, should have, what if and more. We have to try not to do that. Not easy at all!! Right now you have so much pain to deal with. As we know, can't do this alone. I took the same drug as Kristin. I hope you can find answers about the medication and why? My God how I feel your hurt, Your Child! I'm so sensitive I can't help it. You have the rt. to feel all of those emotions!!!

May I suggest you go to a support group. Your husband will probably ask questions and than join you? Are you in touch with your family? I know it's not the same like being at a kitchen table, coffee, being held, kissed, sharing.

If you do join a group you may meet people there that can turn into a friendship, you never know. Do what you think is best for you. From what I read, your daughter would like that. Not an easy step but it works.

I don't belong to Facebook, I'm sorry. From what you shared you raised a beautiful child. There is a support group Mayo Connect. I'm kinda isolated due to my medical condition and It has helped me so much. Meeting wonderful caring members. Hope I hear from you again. I'm sorry it took so long to reply. Too many Dr's, blood wk. ETC. I hope you can relax this evening. Good Night

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