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Caring for Mother: She doesn't trust my care. Suggestions?

Posted by Leonard @jakedduck1, Jun 12, 2019

<p>It’s only been about two months since my Mom fell and broke her shoulder. The problems started 4 days later when her hand and elbow became contracted and she became fearful of standing, walking, being pushed in a wheelchair, riding in the car, scared of the dark. She is scare of everything. All of a sudden she’s lonely, she wants me to sit in her room all night. She calls me all the time starting 30 minutes after I put her to bed. “Are you awake,” when she asks if I’m awake she doesn’t wand anything just wants to know. “What time is it,” she has a clock a inches away. “Is it morning?” “Can I get up” 2, 3, 4, 5, 6am “I’m thirsty, hungry, uncomfortable, adjust my pillow, open the window/door, I’m hot/cold. When I walk with her she screams out “SLOW DOWN, YOUR GOING TO FAST... we are stopped, not moving at all or “I’m falling” or “I’m going to fall.” It NEVER stops, NEVER. My Dad was paralyzed from the neck down and was more independent and he had total confidence in me. My Mom doesn’t trust me at all. She was independent prior to the fall and now she’s totally dependent on me for everything. Under the best of circumstances I seldom sleep. I’m often up for days. Good thing I guess. But I can’t keep this up. I don’t know how to get her to trust me. I don’t mind doing everything that needs doing, well cooking and cleaning isn’t at the top of the list but I keep us alive and the house hasn’t been condemned. So I suppose my question is, is she being reasonable?<br />Thanks,<br />Jake</p>

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Mentor
Becky, Volunteer Mentor | @becsbuddy | Jul 19, 2019
In reply to @jakedduck1 "@becsbuddy Surgery went okay I think all they did was put in a stint. They couldn’t..." + (show)
@jakedduck1

@becsbuddy
Surgery went okay I think all they did was put in a stint. They couldn’t remove the stone. The Doc said it’s massive and cans be removed now. And shock waves or Lithotripsy won’t work. My kidney was damaged but the tests show its better today so it’s fixing itself I guess. 2 weeks after I get out of here we’ll decide how to get it out. Probably regular invasion type surgery but he mentioned a laser. Not sure how the laser works, anyone know? The shockwaves he said will damage surrounding structures. Seems like he could have just ripped me open and snatched it up.
They put me in the Postpartum section of the hospital. My friends are saying it’s because I act like a child. I think I may need to go shopping for a new set of friends. I’m giving the nurses a good working over. It’s the only fun I get.
I’m in a semi-private room without a a roommate and put a sign on the door that said NO VACANCY.
I’ll get some rest although the opposite is what I need more.
Thanks for your message
Jake

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@jakedduck1 Boy, you’re getting to try out everything, aren’t you? The laser surgery is probably another way to break yo the stone to make it easier to remove or let it pass on its own. When they send you home to wait for the surgery, you want to drink lots of water! Keep things flowing. And no strenuous work! This will be a good time to follow the doctor’s advice and let/get your mom to do as much as possible for herself. Keep the helpers your brother hired—you, too, will need them. I wish you the best of everything and hope to keep hearing from you!

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Ethan McConkey, Moderator | @ethanmcconkey | Jul 26, 2019

This week's member spotlight is for one of our most active members @jakedduck1. He's always willing to offer his support and share some laughs.

Transforming stigma to acceptance: Meet @jakedduck1
https://connect.mayoclinic.org/page/about-connect/newsfeed-post/transforming-stigma-to-acceptance-meet-jakedduck1/

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maskville | @freshair | Jul 29, 2019

Jake, your account indicates that your mother is overwhelmed, regardless of what changes of life she is going through. She is afraid. You are going through this with her. Continue to reassure her of your love and commitment, that you are devoted to her, including her ability to be her best self at any given moment, whatever that is. You must also take care of you, notably where sleep in concerned. This must be shared with her to the degree that she can understand. Sleep in snatches, but sleep you must, or neither her needs or yours will be met.

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Leonard | @jakedduck1 | Nov 9, 2019

My mother had some Focal Seizures I suspect they were due to a stroke, of course the speculation. They continued to the hospital where she went into Cardiac Arrest but after chest compressions for a while, they got her back. I signed a Do not Resuscitate form so no tests were done except a blood gas. Now she's back home under Hospice care.
Jake

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2 replies
Mentor
Ginger, Volunteer Mentor | @gingerw | Nov 10, 2019
In reply to @jakedduck1 "My mother had some Focal Seizures I suspect they were due to a stroke, of course..." + (show)
@jakedduck1

My mother had some Focal Seizures I suspect they were due to a stroke, of course the speculation. They continued to the hospital where she went into Cardiac Arrest but after chest compressions for a while, they got her back. I signed a Do not Resuscitate form so no tests were done except a blood gas. Now she's back home under Hospice care.
Jake

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@jakedduck1 Leonard, I am sorry to hear about this. I know that tonight maybe a night of not a lot of sleep for you, as you ponder what will be happening in the next week or even the next few days. Do you have family to call to advise them of the current situation? Please be gentle on yourself and know that we are thinking about you.
Ginger

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Mentor
Teresa, Volunteer Mentor | @hopeful33250 | Nov 10, 2019

Hello @jakedduck1, You will find Hospice to be a great help to not only your mother, but to you as well. Allow yourself to accept their comfort and know that you have given as much of yourself as you could to your mother.

Be at peace my friend!

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Mentor
Becky, Volunteer Mentor | @becsbuddy | Nov 11, 2019
In reply to @jakedduck1 "My mother had some Focal Seizures I suspect they were due to a stroke, of course..." + (show)
@jakedduck1

My mother had some Focal Seizures I suspect they were due to a stroke, of course the speculation. They continued to the hospital where she went into Cardiac Arrest but after chest compressions for a while, they got her back. I signed a Do not Resuscitate form so no tests were done except a blood gas. Now she's back home under Hospice care.
Jake

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@jakedduck1 This may be a rough time for you but hospice can be a great help. Remember, your mother trusted you with her care. She knew that you were strong when she entrusted you to care for her. You are doing the right thing now and you’ll never have any regrets. Actually, you’ve demonstrated to others that it’s a privilege to care for the one who cared for you. All of your foodie friends at MCC are here for you. Becky

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Leonard | @jakedduck1 | Nov 28, 2019

I want to let everyone know how grateful I am for your advice and words of encouragement, wisdom kindness and etc over the last 5 months. You kids are always there when I need you, THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! I wish I could express more appropriately my gratitude.
On November 6th my mom started seizing, as the Paramedics wheeled her into the ER she went into cardiac arrest. They did chest compressions and restarted her heart, something she didn’t want. Tuesday her journey ended. She passed away about 9:30pm. I only wish I had the honor of taking care of her longer. It’s only been 7 months since her fall.
Jake

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4 replies
Leonard | @jakedduck1 | Nov 28, 2019

HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!!!
Jake

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Mentor
Teresa, Volunteer Mentor | @hopeful33250 | Nov 28, 2019
In reply to @jakedduck1 "I want to let everyone know how grateful I am for your advice and words of..." + (show)
@jakedduck1

I want to let everyone know how grateful I am for your advice and words of encouragement, wisdom kindness and etc over the last 5 months. You kids are always there when I need you, THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! I wish I could express more appropriately my gratitude.
On November 6th my mom started seizing, as the Paramedics wheeled her into the ER she went into cardiac arrest. They did chest compressions and restarted her heart, something she didn’t want. Tuesday her journey ended. She passed away about 9:30pm. I only wish I had the honor of taking care of her longer. It’s only been 7 months since her fall.
Jake

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So sorry for your loss, @jakedduck1. My mom passed away today, on Thanksgiving, so I sense the emptiness you feel.

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