1. < Caregivers: Dementia

Memory care for my wife: I'm having a hard time adjusting

Posted by alanm @alanm, Aug 27, 2018

<p>After years of caregiving for my wife, I decided that for her safety and well being,it was time for her to be in assisted care. It is a very good facility and she has adjusted well. I however am having a difficult time adjusting. I know I need to get out, reconnect with old friends and start living my own life. I seem to be unable to do that, so now I am at home and very lonely. We have been together 24/7 for the last 15 years, have been married for 51 years, I have been full time caretaker for the past 5 years. Most days I go to see her and continue to help with her care. Anyone care to make suggestions. How were you able to adjust to being alone?</p>

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kateia | @kateia | Sep 1, 2018
In reply to @merryone "Good morning. I'm very happy to meet everyone! I have been caregiving for my parents over..." + (show)
@merryone

Good morning. I'm very happy to meet everyone! I have been caregiving for my parents over the past 10 years or so. In the last 3 years it has become more intensive. My dad, 90, has fallen many times, finally breaking his arm in December, then again in March, and again in August. My mom, 80, had a mastectomy in February. She had been slowly suffering from dementia which sped up after the surgery. She also suffers from manic depression. I finally got both of them into an independent living facility in June. My mother suffered a complete mental breakdown forgetting who I am, accusing me of stealing their money, etc. I hadn't realized how much all of this dominated my life. I feel so much better reading your posts and seeing how common this is. I will be patient with myself as I learn how to live again. I hope this is a wonderful day for all of us. Mary

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Hi merryone! One of the hardest things for me to deal with was the first time I visited my mom and dad and my mother didn't know me. She thought my husband and I were total strangers. About a year before this happened we moved them 2 hours away from us so unfortunately, visits became fewer than normal. After being their caretakers for years...mom no longer knew me. I still had 1 1/2 years of visiting her and enjoying her company. Accepting her for who she was. May God be with you through your struggles. Start with baby steps...or jump right in getting to be "you" again. It is a very tough road but God is there to help. Blessings to you.

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merryone | @merryone | Sep 1, 2018
In reply to @kateia "Hi merryone! One of the hardest things for me to deal with was the first time..." + (show)
@kateia

Hi merryone! One of the hardest things for me to deal with was the first time I visited my mom and dad and my mother didn't know me. She thought my husband and I were total strangers. About a year before this happened we moved them 2 hours away from us so unfortunately, visits became fewer than normal. After being their caretakers for years...mom no longer knew me. I still had 1 1/2 years of visiting her and enjoying her company. Accepting her for who she was. May God be with you through your struggles. Start with baby steps...or jump right in getting to be "you" again. It is a very tough road but God is there to help. Blessings to you.

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Thank you for your kindness. My mom thought I was her dead sister, who she hated, for the past 2 months, and then all of a sudden she remembered me and right now she likes me. I'll take what I can get. It sure isn't fun at times

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merryone | @merryone | Sep 2, 2018
In reply to @kanaazpereira "Hello @merryone, One of the most difficult things in life is to be a caregiver, but..." + (show)
@kanaazpereira

Hello @merryone,

One of the most difficult things in life is to be a caregiver, but you don't have to do it alone. I'm so glad you've joined this group on Connect because you will meet many members who know exactly what you're going through – welcome!

I'm sure @kateia @mbabkk @rmftucker @jimmy48 @verilee1776 Mentor @IndianaScott and others will also join in with their insights. There are a few other discussions on Connect that I'd sincerely encourage you to view. For instance:
– When the Caregiver Needs Care https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/when-the-caregiver-needs-care/
– Caring for someone with dementia / Alzheimer's https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/caregiving-for-dementia-sufferers/

@merryone, may I ask how your father is coping with all these changes?

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Thank you for the extra resources. My father is doing very well. He gets upset about my mother though. She has coped with her mental illness and part of that was through my dad enabling her very demanding behaviour. It's hard for him to be with her sometimes right now. He is enjoying the activities and the food though and looks about 10 years younger since having his physical needs met and not having to worry about their safety anymore.

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Debbra Williams, Alumna Mentor | @debbraw | Sep 2, 2018

Hi @merryone, your description of your struggles is so genuine and personal that I just sat here feeling for you - and feeling like I really relate to what you are saying. My husband has Mild Cognitive Impairment - they have never been definitive on whether the etiology is vascular or Alzheimer's-type. Regardless, this is such a cruel and frightening disease. And yet, somehow, I believe that the fundamental feeling of love and compassion we caregivers have gets through to those we love - even when they don't know our name. I just have to keep believing that. I'm going to echo what others have said. Stay on Connect - it's just full of kind-hearted people who REALLY care. Also, I'm glad your Dad seems to be thriving. Does your mom get along reasonably well with the staff? Sometimes it seems like they take out all the hostitlity on those their loved ones and actually do pretty well with true strangers. Wishing the best for you and for them.

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