Adults On The Autism Spectrum

Hello everyone! I have been MIA for a little while. I had hammertoe surgery almost a month ago. I was instructed to keep my foot propped up. Only walk (er, hobble) to the bathroom,etc. Oh vey!

May I say, this particular change in my routine was not the most pleasant of experiences. I mean, at the risk of sounding like a whiny baby, as I had a succession of pity parties, no one, I mean NO one came.

Here's the deal: If you don't tell your friends and family that you need help while you are ill or recovering from surgery, they are not going to know that you need it. They are not mind readers. There is absolutely no shame whatsoever in asking for help when you need it.

My question is fairly simple. Why do we, as people on the Spectrum, find it so difficult to ask for the occasional help when we need it? Are we afraid that we will seem vulnerable? Are we ashamed that we are not Wonder woman or Superman, that we are human, and weak? I cannot tell you the number of times I have taken food to friends at the death of a family member. Or when the flu has invaded a family with little children. Yet when it is my turn, we spend an unGodly amount of money on take out food

Perhaps one day we will grow up and realize that we are worthy of the same considerations that we so carefully give others. I hope that day comes soon for all of us. Let's just agree to work on this, maybe as a part of self-care. After all, we are, indeed, better together. Love to you all. I have missed you all so much!

Mamacita

@mamacita
So good to hear from you again. We have missed you as well. Your problem of not asking for help is probably one that we all experience. Our independent natures do get in our way often! Thanks for reminding me that I really can ask for help when needed.

@mamacita I hope you are feeling better as each day passes after your foot surgery. No matter our level of activity, suddenly being told not to do anything can be frustrating. Our minds see this as both a challenge and as a put-down and that's just very difficult to accept. Why can't we ask for help you ask. Speaking only for myself, asking for help gets stuck in the exactly how do I phrase it in a way that others will understand what it is I am asking for, when I may not even know what I'm needing! Is it emotional or physical support that I am asking for? Where are the words to express what I need? Will what is said be heard the way I want it to be heard? Being gentle on myself and realizing what is going to work best for me and then proceed to ask, being careful who it is I ask for help. One time I made a comment to someone who I thought was a friend, and had a very caustic comment thrown back at me. All that did was make me shut down for years.
Ginger

@gingerw , I haven't had my first cup of coffee yet. I have read your response. Are you sure we aren't long lost relatives? I could not have said it better if I had tried. I will get back with you today. Yes, indeed. How are my words perceived? I remember asking for help from someone who I thought was a friend. It remained a sad reminder to this day that my friends are often not who I think they are. But I am past that. Or am I?

Hi Teresa! Coffee. I need coffee! I cannot think just yet. But I am so happy to hang out with you guys again. I will go into greater detail later. Lot on my plate today. But yes
Why are we so anxious to not ask for support when we need it? Great answers already and it's barely 8:35 my time. Perhaps all of the above and more?

@mamacita

I'm so happy you're back on Connect and hopefully feeling better! I don't think I'm on the Spectrum, but I too have had to learn to ask for help. Those of us who had to become "adults" when we were really still little kids have a hard time learning how to let our vulnerability show.

When I was 4 years old, I was given responsibility for things far beyond my knowledge or experience. I accepted the responsibility, not knowing that I was far to young to become a mommy to my brother and sister. I needed help myself at that age, but had to put my fears and needs aside and become fierce for my family. As I got older, still in elementary school, I learned that not showing fear, instead showing courage and confronting bullies, etc. was how I could best survive and care for my brother and sister. I was 25 when I finally sought mental health counseling as I recognized that my relationships were awful. I could not give in to letting myself be loved, and was panicking a lot. I'm so thankful that I was able to see that the problem was mine. Well, mine and society's. I worked hard to learn over the next 5 years or so how to express my anger, love and vulnerability, and how to handle my fears. During those years I divorced my alcoholic husband who is no doubt on the Spectrum (I now know)and after several years met and married current husband of 36 years.

Now, my problem is more about letting myself be "helped" too much. That's partly because I am still trying to please, and my husband is more than happy to "rescue" me. I don't like it, so I'm asking/telling him more and more to stop rescuing me. He acquiesces quickly, so I figure he doesn't like it either. LOL Still learning and adjusting our relationship with each year as we change in our elder years. He has been my rock of safety all these years because I know he loves me completely. He's not always happy with what I do or don't do, as I am with him, but we love each other deeply and work to change what we need in our relationship, while being true to our individual selves.

All this to say that I understand the importance and difficulty of asking for help when I need it. Love and peace to you Mamacita.

Dearest Gail, there is just so very much that you and I have in common. It affirms my belief that we all have more in common than not.

I, too, had to take on adult responsibilities when I was very young. I really do believe that is a major part of why I don't like to ask for help now. When a young child has her childhood taken away on so many levels, it is difficult to put oneself in a vulnerable position.

I would rather not even ask for help, fearing that someone would turn me down. My track record for keeping friends is not good. I would rather fend for myself and do without than to be disappointed.

I am a nice person. People do like to assist me if I need help. But I get in these moods where I think no one likes me or wants to consider me as a friend. Crazy, I know.

Thank you so much for sharing your story. You give me hope!

I did my best to aggravate and annoy her whilst she was recovering and got dehammered and still not quite toey yet

Hello me lovelies! Mamacita here. Days pass all too quickly and I feel a bit lost here. What is going on in your neck of the woods? Last I was here, we talked a bit about the need for asking for help. This is a serious issue in the Autism Community. I did not know I was on the Spectrum when I was young. So I did not feel that I needed any accommodations in the workplace. I didn't disclose my Autism because I was unaware that I had it. What are your feelings on this subject? If you are an employer, what is your take on this?

Inquiring minds want to know! Let's explore this subject together. We are better together, you know. Can I ask a favor? Dig down deep and we would really like to hear what you think. Bye for now!

Mamacita

Yo,@sirgalahad, so good to hear from you! May I say, and let the entire world know, what a good friend you have been to me during my entire recovery?

For those who may not know, yours truly had a surgery almost six weeks ago that I am still recovering from. Hammertoe surgery, although painful to a degree. For at least four weeks.

Having lived much of my life in denial, thinking I could do anything, I was ilk prepared for this adventure. I needed help with much more than I ever could have realized.

Our friend here, sirgalahad, kept me laughing, crying, researching, listening, and motivated, during my recovery. He even communicated with our esteemed moderators for me, giving them the information that I was struggling a bit.

Our fellow members, moderstors, and lovely Director, all conspired together to keep me smiling. For this, I take my hat off to you all! You are true examples of what dear friends should be. Whether Neurotypical or on the Spectrum. Everyone should be so lucky!

Hugs and kisses to you all. Oh. But if that is too sensory for you, don't worry about it! Until I hear from you again!

Mamacita