Reveal Trauma?

@underedwardstale2018

I just responded to your post in another site on Mayo Connect. I'm a Volunteer Mentor with Mayo Connect. It would help me and others to understand your situation better if you are able to share a basic idea of the trauma you suffered. BUT, you should only share that which you feel comfortable sharing. Causing you further trauma by reliving it will not be helpful to you and our hope here is to support you in finding relief. Please, only share what you think will help us help you.

Warmly, Gail B
Volunteer Mentor

Thank you for the support Gail. I went through child abuse for eight years. It was difficult enough because the new woman in the house I was supposed to treat as my mother would invalidate my feelings and there were several instances of physical abuse. I have scars on my forearm from manicured nails and I can always hear the screams and curses of them in my head. I feel that my head is a very violent place sometimes. I mainly went through verbal and physical abuse, and because of always having to walk on eggshells as not to anger anyone, I am always nervous about nearly everything I do. I always feel that I am being watched, and I am so used to people being mad at me that I am hyper sensitive to people's faces and tones and will think in a split second that they are angry with me. It truly is tiring keeping this mental state, but it feels that I can't leave it.

Oh my friend .... I, and I'm sure many others in this group, can totally identify with what you've been through ..... mental and physical and sexual abuse, walking on egghells, always being nervous and anxious, my mother's favorite words for me were, "you rotten little S.O.B." I was an only child and thought everyone grew up that way ..... I was just a big zero in everyones eyes - at least that's how I felt. I wore my mother's clothes to school, wore big black rimmed glasses, and sat in the back corner because I "knew" I was an absolute jerk whom no one wanted to be around. My mother used to strike fear into me by telling me, "young lady, some day you're going to come home from school and your suitcase will be on the porch." Somehow, in my child brain (about 7-10 at the time) I knew she meant it, and as most kids of abuse, I had a plan .... I "knew" I could make it. Well, all this primed me for marriage to a man with Narcissistic Personality Disorder .... so once again, I was the stupid idiot who could do nothing right. And, I believed it, and I knew it. We had 3 kids, and while I had no idea how to raise children, I somehow knew the way I was treated was not right. So, I went about doing everything the opposite way .... no ugly names, lots of hugs and kisses, lots of encouragement, no horrible threats, and unlike my alcoholic parents ..... I vowed to never touch a drop. God was with me because I now have 3 solid, grounded, stable adult kids - 2 Social Workers and a Patent Lawyer. .... I will never understand how a parent can be like mine were. Some of this I never even told a soul until I got into therapy with a Psychologist - PsyD. After I was working with him for a month or two (not really revealing much of anything) I told him I thought I should have a female therapist. He looked at me and said, "abby, you can always do what you want, but I think a man is best for you." OMG! I felt trapped. So on we went, through a lot of pain, tears, a breakdown, medications from a Psychiatrist, discussing subjects I never thought I'd hear come out of my mouth ..... and to a man, of all things! Well, I've been divorced about 15 years now and I feel so free of all that hatred, judgment, and vileness that came from all of them. I an NOT what I was told, I AM a person of worth, and by God's grace .... my 3 kids are all wonderful adults.
Yes, I won't lie to you .... it's a tough road, but it is so well worth it. It's a gift to give yourself. You've earned it and deserve it.
Interestingly enough (I've since moved and am about 3 hrs. from where my therapist is), I still go up every other week, for what I call a "tune-up". And, as unbelievable as this seems, I've come to totally forgive my mother and Dad. She was just doing to me what she had learned, and the same with my Dad. Now I feel pity for them both and the childhoods they must have had.
Make yourself a priority and give yourself the gift of healing .... oh yes, it will hurt at times, you'll feel pain, sadness, embarrassment, and shock as you walk through this glass covered road. But when you get to the sunshine part .... believe me when I say ..... the work was all worth it.
Take care my friend ..... do write again soon,
Blessings and Peace,
abby

That was really inspiring... I don't have words to explain what I'm thinking but thank you so much for sharing your story with me and I'm going to tell you once again that I am proud of you for making it through that difficult time.

To @amberpep and @underedwardstale2018. Thank you so much for sharing and inspiring us to move forward. My gosh. Sharing the awfulness is so helpful for those of us who want to listen and help you by sincere support and virtual hugs. Blessings.

@underedwardstale2018

I experienced trauma at a number of times over the years. Living with the memories has been very difficult for me. A couple of weeks ago, my therapist told me that the trauma and its effects on my mind will always be there. My work is to find a way to move forward. That was incredibly hard to hear. No one had ever said those words.

I think I'm going to need time to soak that in. I'm sure that I knew it at some level, but I had never brought it into the light of day.

I know that working through this will be helpful. The process, though, is kind of rough.

Living with a traumatic past is never easy, but it sure helps to have caring people around us.

Jim

There are those gliding through life with ease. It is not mine to question. I keep trudging on knowing that at my age moving forward is not possible. Trauma is lurking all around waiting to frighten. Lurks in least expected places. This community has become a busy place. No way I can read so much. Back to my own world for now. Pain and depression do not blend well. Working on unsubscribing from some posts. Only a few come to my email.

Hi Parus .... I know it looks as though some glide through life with ease, but ..... I'll bet if they "took off their masks" you would see a whole different piece of their story. I know that's exactly how I was. Oh, I was the perfect wife, perfect mother, did everything well (sort of like June Cleaver if you remember Leave it to Beaver), was social to everyone and always with open door and open arms to "help" those that were having difficulty. I was "perfect." (really????) Well, shocked was I when one day my therapist said to me .... "you know, I see a good Suzy in you .... we're going to dismantle her." WHAT? Isn't this how a good person is? I don't want to be different. Well, 15 years later, here I am, and life is so much better... I can be real, if I have to run to the store looking like a slob "oh well." I'm still nice to people, but I'm sure no June Cleaver ..... you won't catch me vacuuming with pearls and high heels. I doubt anyone really has a golden life, if really known. Take care,
abby

@parus

Busy for me, too. I can't keep up with all of the posts right now. Forward is invisible. Now is enough to deal with.

Jim

I am sorry to hear that you're passing through such feelings. As a child, I was trained to please everybody and to always do what other people tell me to. I was told that others are right even when they are not. Such training is making me to feel that I should never make others people angry. I often study people's facial expressions to make sure that I do everything properly and they do not have reason to be angry with me. It makes me to suffer a lot, because I often see something is wrong and I do not know what. Maybe they are angry with something I did. It's hard to live with such feelings. But in my mind, I know that it is not that they are alyays angry or dissapointed with me, they surely have their own worries, but still... It makes me confused and makes me to spend lot of my strenght to think what's wrong.