Mayo Clinic Connect
I’m hesitant to reveal the trauma that I went through. It’s still a sensitive subject for me although it happened a while ago. If I do reveal it I’ll probably be very vague. I guess I’m seeking advice on if I should open up about this.
Liked by Jen, Alumna Mentor, Teresa, Volunteer Mentor, Mamacita, Volunteer Mentor, GailBL, Volunteer Mentor ... see all
I just responded to your post in another site on Mayo Connect. I’m a Volunteer Mentor with Mayo Connect. It would help me and others to understand your situation better if you are able to share a basic idea of the trauma you suffered. BUT, you should only share that which you feel comfortable sharing. Causing you further trauma by reliving it will not be helpful to you and our hope here is to support you in finding relief. Please, only share what you think will help us help you.
Warmly, Gail B
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@lisalucier they didn't, they just offer anonymous help through talking, later I found this psychiatrist by myself, obvously not good choice. All good doctors have many patients and can't accept more.
Liked by GailBL, Volunteer Mentor, Lisa Lucier
@theotherone — the Samaritans service sounds like perhaps a good addition/ option in the meantime. Thoughts?
I'd sure encourage you to not give up finding the right psychiatrist for you. When we changed medical centers due to my husband's taking a new job and having different benefits a number of years ago, I was assigned a provider, and it wasn't a good fit for me. I met a couple others in the practice I really liked when they subbed for my provider over time, and I eventually convinced one of them to put me on her waiting list. She also agreed to more or less "adopt me" as her patient in the meantime.
I am so glad I persisted, as my new PCP had been extremely wonderful and a great fit.
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Thank you for the support Gail. I went through child abuse for eight years. It was difficult enough because the new woman in the house I was supposed to treat as my mother would invalidate my feelings and there were several instances of physical abuse. I have scars on my forearm from manicured nails and I can always hear the screams and curses of them in my head. I feel that my head is a very violent place sometimes. I mainly went through verbal and physical abuse, and because of always having to walk on eggshells as not to anger anyone, I am always nervous about nearly everything I do. I always feel that I am being watched, and I am so used to people being mad at me that I am hyper sensitive to people’s faces and tones and will think in a split second that they are angry with me. It truly is tiring keeping this mental state, but it feels that I can’t leave it.
Wish I had seen this post earlier. There are several of us PTSD survivors on these comments I'm sure you'll hear from many. I believe all of us have in common the same thing that you're dealing with we have a hard time wanting to open up and explain what we've been through maybe it's a residual of the guilt we felt for having parents that treated us so badly and feeling it must be something wrong with ourselves however, therapy only works if you're able to tell people what your problem is and let those who can relate give you information of how they have handled things were how things have been done for them. I was a victim of sexual abuse or incest and from the age of which I had no language until I was 18 and left the home it has impacted my entire life and I managed to keep it bottled up thinking that someday I would confront my abuser and boy would I give him it's a piece of my mind! As though he didn't already own my entire mind! My poor luck, he died before that happened it was as though he had gotten away with it all. I crashed totally so far into depression everyone around me thought I had some disease that was killing me. My mother took me to Mayo for a full work-up to find out what on Earth could be wrong with me. Finally I was referred to a psychiatrist and after many many bad or false or even illegal pairings I found wonderful doctor and a not too bad therapist. However, having been on the same regime for the past 20 + years I have been having some difficulty lately with flashbacks nightmares, Etc maybe because I've been physically ill and it's been rather debilitating which leaves me too much time to think and bad habits return. Like you, the worst thing I can think of is to have to find a new psychiatrist as I have moved and my other psychiatrist has retired by now, and start this entire process over from the beginning probably including reassessing all my medications and changing them because they've been working for 20 years and there's probably something new which a doctor I would see now would want to try new things. I spent years in group therapy as well as individual therapy and found group to be much more helpful I eventually was even named the group therapy leader and worked under a licensed therapist. I find that all survivors of childhood abuse seem to have many similar attributes or actually, polarized versions of the same attributes. For instance, depending on your abusers preferences, you might choose to be overweight and unattractive or anorexic and unattractive but in general you fall into one group or the other mostly. The same thing goes for sexual abuse, you seem to turn out either brother promiscuous or absolutely uninterested in sex but with anyone. However this is about you, not me I was just giving you my background and credentials I guess. I highly recommend that do you find a psychiatrist who will work with you on medication which you probably need to begin with and may or may not need to continue. Don't be frightened by all the things you read on here about different antidepressants and withdrawal symptoms, Etc I'm on the one that is considered the worst being Effexor and I have only had withdrawal problems once and that was when I was so sick with After Effects of a surgery that I vomited everything and could not take my medication. I neglected to tell my Healthcare crew that everything was coming up so it took them awhile to diagnose symptoms. But that was easily taken care of on its own affects her has never caused me any problems other than the time I inadvertently went cold turkey. As I'm sure you know, you'll need a psychiatrist if you need any prescriptions and even though there are some great psychologists in this field there will have to refer you to a psychiatrist if you need help getting started digging your way back out of that whole you are in. If you're reluctant to start with an individual therapist and go through this all start here, I have read nothing but good, true advice after all, we are all in the same sort of a boat and we might as well share what we know rather than everyone starting at the beginning to end up in the same ending. I can say after more than 20 years that my flashbacks and Nightmares and freeze ups and general anxiety about everything has improved ten thousand percent! But it is never gone and there are triggers that will bring it back no matter how well I'm doing so it's important for me to talk to people who know and can help me find my triggers in order to avoid them. Whatever you do, you need to know that you will get through this if you work at it and believe me, it is work, much more painful than physical work. Good luck in finding good support and help. Just call me Sandi. One quick PS, I live in Southern Florida and I found it nearly impossible to to locate a good group for therapy, when I lived in tiny little Iowa I had options of which group to choose. I know there are more people here who are suffering the same as you and I but I can't figure out what they're doing for therapy!
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There are those gliding through life with ease. It is not mine to question. I keep trudging on knowing that at my age moving forward is not possible. Trauma is lurking all around waiting to frighten. Lurks in least expected places. This community has become a busy place. No way I can read so much. Back to my own world for now. Pain and depression do not blend well. Working on unsubscribing from some posts. Only a few come to my email.
Parus, I have no idea how old you are but I am 71 and I know that even in the last 5 Years I have improved immensely by using techniques eyes are learned in group therapy or from actual survivors like you. Please try not to isolate yourself because then you will prove that your idea of not being able to get better is true. If you don't get help in any form you probably are going to continue to believe it's impossible and I'm here to assure you that even without a current psychiatrist or therapist in Florida I have been able to improve. I am now looking for therapy again because I'd like to move my boundaries farther and get even better. Since I can't find any groups, I'm going to use this forum and see if it can help. I would like to stay in touch with you but if you choose not to, please believe things can always improve maybe not hugely in one big bunch but in smaller steps though I'm not a big one for patients and if I thought it would take me 10 years to feel better I would probably just shoot myself! I know someone help me figure out one of my triggers once and it was like a miracle sent straight from God to my head and it worked immediately, efficiently, and seems to be permanent. Bless you and the best medicine is remember nothing was your fault you were created perfectly, God don't make any junk, people who are sick choose to be that and if a person abuses children there isn't a punishment great enough for them.
I'm wondering how you are doing and if anything posted here has helped you in seeking support and therapy for your childhood assaults? I hope you will give us an update on how you're doing at this point.
Liked by Mamacita, Volunteer Mentor
I may have told you all this in an earlier post, so if I did, I'm sorry. But, I've hit another bump in the road. About 3 years ago I moved from a town I loved, had my own condo, worked for a dentist, to be closer to 2 of my kids. To say I dislike it here is an understatement, and truthfully, if given the opportunity and an apartment I could afford, I'd move back. Sure my girls (the ones who live down here) are very sweet to me and thoughtful, but it's not really "home" …. home is still in MD and probably always will be. But it is what it is, and I know someday I'll need their help …. I'm 73 now, very healthy. So I'm not dumb enough to think it will always be that way. So, here I am, and I suppose here I'll stay. Adjustment, especially when one is older, is hard. I have likened it to a large tree being pulled out by the roots, replanted in another place and expecting… it to thrive …. sometimes yes, sometimes no.
I read all your posts. My heart goes out to all of you. I have trouble with my thoughts. I have a tendency to think negatively. I have worked on this before with a therapist. I also have the "flight " impulse. I don't like conflict. Change is also hard for me. I've had a lot of changes lately. Sometimes I get depressed whenever any of these things and others stress me out. I'm hard on myself when I think I've failed. If it wasn't for God helping me, I wouldn't make it. I have a hard time making decisions, perfectionism.
The only thing I ever consistently wanted to do is Write a Book. Real life, my life, but fiction. All the crappy stuff but with more action. I’m 64 years old now, taking care of my 87 year old sweep-it-under-the-rug useless mother who ignored my pedophile father’s acts. A reveal all, tell all book about white America. How America looks at middle income white working fathers and refuses to believe they molest their daughters and assault their sons. How some mothers are so emotionally frozen they ignore their children’s pain. Just let the abuse continue. I’m not alone. But incest is still such a secret. Shameful. And so I hide. But I’d like to expose this ugly oozing sore. Blast it open. Here’s the ugly truth world. Let us survivors unite!
Liked by Teresa, Volunteer Mentor, Mamacita, Volunteer Mentor, GailBL, Volunteer Mentor
Hi, @stlouisgmajenn – first of all, I wanted to say that I'm so sorry you have endured so much pain, and from your own family members. The place that was supposed to be safe for you as a child clearly was not, and that is heartbreaking.
You mentioned "survivors unite." In that same vein, your post is merged with this one, as I thought you'd like to hear from members discussing familial abuse here, like @theotherone (note he has also written a book), @gailb, @parus, @underedwardstale2018 @amberpep and others. Hoping that they will have some insights for you on what you endured with abuse from your father and with your mom ignoring your pain.
You talked about taking care of your 87-year-old mother now. What is your relationship like at this point? Is your father still living?
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My pedophile father is 92 years old. Still alive, living alone in another usa state. Suffering from prostate cancer. How appropriate that a freaking pedophile is suffering penile pain. Talk about karmic payback.
My 87 year old mother expects me to take care of her, supply her with groceries, chauffeur her here and there, make sure her basic needs are met. Which is laughable, cause she sure didn't make sure my basic needs were met when I was an infant, a molested toddler, etc. And don't dare talk about forgiveness. Yes, I've come to believe that my mother is vacant in her head.Unaware I was being molested. She's quite stupid, ignorant actually, living in her own little internal peaceful world.Yes I'm angry. How can any mother not know their child is being sexually molested? While the other is being violently intimidated?
First of all, let me say that you do have the right to feel angry! I so appreciate your incredible honesty and openness about your situation with your parents.
I can understand the feelings you must have about being asked to care for someone who was so vacant to your needs as a child. For those of us who have lived with a "vacant parent" your situation seems all too familiar and all too stressful.
Some suggestions for the conundrum that you find yourself in:
Are you an only child or do you have siblings that might help carry the load with your mom?
Does your mom have the resources to have help with groceries, appointments, housekeeping, etc.?
Each county in my area has assistance programs for senior citizens who do have funds to hire help at the going rate. If you could look into that you could help provide your mom with help without getting personally or emotionally involved.
It is important that you be firm with your mom as to what you can or cannot do. For example, "I can help you to find an organization to help you but I cannot personally get involved with your many needs at this time." This involves setting boundaries and for those of us who were raised without any boundaries to protect us, we need to learn how to create and maintain those boundaries now as adults.
Will you post again and let me know how you are doing?
Liked by John, Volunteer Mentor, Mamacita, Volunteer Mentor, GailBL, Volunteer Mentor, Lisa Lucier ... see all
Hello @stlouisgmajenn — I can't imagine the pain and suffering you have been through. I don't think anyone can unless they have been in your shoes. My hope is that you can find some support to help you maybe not get over it but move forward and not let it continue to cause you anger and heartache. There are some evil people in the world and their are those that are fooled by evil or just don't want to believe it. When we were going through some mental health issues with our son we found a support group of other parents with similar issues that was extremely helpful to both my wife and I. I'm wondering if a support group of other adult survivors of childhood abuse might be helpful for you to talk to and maybe not share but figure out how to move forward. Here are some links that may help you find a support group:
HAVOCA – Help for Adult Victims Of Child Abuse
Adult Survivors of Childhood Abuse
WINGS Foundation: Adult Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse
Hoping you find peace and comfort.
Liked by Teresa, Volunteer Mentor, Mamacita, Volunteer Mentor, GailBL, Volunteer Mentor, Lisa Lucier ... see all
Hi, @stlouisgmajenn , this is Mamacita, Jane, otherwise known as Volunteer Mentor for Mayo Clinic Connect. I would like to give you a very special welcome aboard. I try to check in with this very special group as often as possible, as they give me strength, hope, inspiration, and insight. Also, they can be a really fun bunch to just simply "hang out" with.
Now, I will share with you that I have not always wanted to be a writer. When I was little, I wanted to be in the Army, teach school, be a nurse, and be a Mommy. I did start writing poetry when my youngest daughter was in high school. From there I started reading the articles in the newspaper by a lovely person named Wendy Lang. Local celebrity and later, a dear friend.
Earlier I read books by an Alabama celebrity and Nobel Prize winner, Rick Bragg. He grew up with some of my childhood friends, just down the road from where I attended University. His portrayal of growing up poor in the rural South was life-changing for me. I love his style of writing, which is writing just like he talks
I don't know if you can call me a writer, but, I too, write like I talk. I like to think that when we get together here, we are virtual friends who just haven't had the chance to meet in person yet.
The thing is, when I first started coming here, I just needed to vent. I was badly broken. To tell you the truth, I wasn't even sure I could ever be "fixed." Why, half the reason I majored in Psycholgy was to try to understand myself, and my broken family. I know it is why I ended up in Social Work, and later, Special Education. I felt better helping other people, because I knew what it felt like to be battered, broken, and alone.
There are many kinds of abuse. Verbal, phtysical, and sexual, are among the most rampant. With. Sexual abuse there are many layers. Any breach of the boundaries that should exist within the family setting, is traumatic, painful, and heartbreaking.
I experienced all types of abuse as a child. I blocked almost all of it out until the day I found myself lying curled up on my bed, in a fetal position. I immediately sought out Psychiatric help. Fortunately I found a decent one, and later a good counselor, who did pretty well, with the information I had given them.
But, oh…there was a problem. I didn't trust either if them. So I didn't tell either of them the whole story. You can imagine how well that went. Unnecessary suffering on my part, because I didn't feel I could trust anyone.
Sorry this is so long. But just wanted you to know that you are not alone. I am here for you. The other mentors and members of the group you will come to know will gladly hear your heart's cry, and will keep your story safe. You are welcome to private message us at any time.
We have a saying at the Adults On The Autism Spectrum site, "We are better together." My hope is that you come to feel that way here. "Talk" with you later?!
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I'm so sorry you have had to grow up in a house of pain and I'm sure confusion for you. I understand how that is, having been molested for years by my oldest brother. He started when I was 10 yrs old, and I stopped him when I was 16. My confusion came because our father left us when I was 18 months old. I looked to my big brother to provide familial love, but he was 16 and messed up himself. I think he had been molested by our aunt or uncle or both. He was living with them at the time and turns out my uncle was gay. So I think they both messed with him. Anyway, he passed it on to me, and it was my deepest darkest secret for many years. I was very ashamed and thought it was my fault at the time. It took me until I was 35 before I tried to talk to my brother about the molestation and how it had affected my life and my view of myself as a bad person who had caused him to molest me. His response to me? He laughed and said, "Incest is best." He said I was "being ridiculous" and I "should get over it." I was shocked and hurt by his response to my attempt to open communication.
At that moment I decided not to try to like him and to never trust him. My therapist approved of my decision. My entire life my family had rejected me and talked about me like I was trying to hurt them in some way. I learned over time to let go of trying to make them see who I truly was/am. Instead, I consciously chose friends as my family. They supported my growth as a person, and gave me honest feedback and love. I was in group therapy for several years and was asked by the therapist to help her lead the groups. This experience was invaluable for me. I loved the groups. I learned that I am the person I always knew I was. I'm a good and loving person who lives with honor and integrity.
To get to the point of accepting my good self as well as my imperfections, I had to learn to let my anger out in therapy and learn how to express it in a non-destructive way. I want to let you know that expressing your anger with a therapist guiding you is a good thing to do. You will never get the love you wanted and deserved from your parents, and you will more than likely, never love or trust them. But, that doesn't mean you can't choose your own friends as family, and leave your parents behind. You owe them nothing! Perhaps as you work thru your anger and sadness that you never had their love, you will at some point be able to forgive them for their treatment of you. But, that's not even necessary for you to learn that you are a loving person deep inside where the real you lives in your heart.
I so hope you find acceptance and the courage to heal from the horrible abuse you experienced. Life from here looks wonderful for me and it has for many years. But it took lots of hard work, crying, beating bean bags and pillows when I was angry, and learning about who I am as a loving person. I took hugging lessons to find out that touching doesn't hurt. You can do this too if you want to heal. You have my total respect and support for surviving your childhood intact! Oh yes, even though I have forgiven my brother, I've not forgotten and I don't have a relationship with him. Thank you for sharing your experiences.
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