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Loss and Grief: How are you doing?
When my dad passed away several years ago I lost my keys 4 times in one month, I would wake up at 3 a.m. several days every week feeling startled. Sound familiar? These are reactions to grief. Grief is a very personal experience - everyone grieves differently – even in the same family because the relationship of a father is different than that of a wife or a granddaughter. Unfortunately, often we grieve alone. Sometimes we don’t want to “bother others” with our grief, and sometimes friends and family tell us that we should be over it by now. After all the person we lost was ill for a long time or was very old and “it was their time” or “they are in a better place now.” Sound familiar?
Grieving is often described as the "work of grief." It does feel like hard work doesn’t it? Grief can be difficult because of the many factors related to the loss. If the loss followed a prolonged, serious illness you undoubtedly did some “anticipatory grief work” prior to the actual death of the loved one. If the loss, however, was sudden, i.e., accident related, suicide, a result of crime, etc. the sense of grief is coupled with shock.
The relationship that you had with the loved one also affects your grief experience, i.e. was your relationship close or had it been strained? Do you feel guilt that you were not closer or do you feel guilty because you don’t feel you did enough to help while your loved one was ill?
Sometimes anger plays a part in the grief process. Did your loved one get poor medical treatment or a wrong and/or late diagnosis? Did your loved one not follow your doctor’s orders with regard to their health (diet, smoking, attention to meds or exercise)? All of these factors contribute to your experience of grief.
Also, some losses are not so evident to others. These would include a miscarriage or a stillborn. Sometimes these losses are not considered as relevant to others as the loss of a person who has lived a longer life. In the case of a miscarriage, others might not even be aware of your loss.
You may think of that person on anniversary dates (their birthday, date of their death) or you might think of them constantly. Unfortunately, sometime people say things that can multiply grief. Have you ever heard someone say, “you should be over this by now?” or “I had a similar experience and I’m OK.” Well, most likely their similar experience was not the same as yours. Thinking you should be over it might compound your grief with feelings of guilt or frustration.
Whether a recent loss, or a loss you experienced a long time ago, let’s talk about it. Whatever your experience, I'd like to hear your stories and together find a way to relocate that loved one so that we can experience peace in our lifetime.
Together let us support each other in our grief journey.
Teresa
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@mar1222 Be gentle with yourself and give yourself some gentle hugs. Try not to go for jolts as they can be temporary. Take care.
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4 ReactionsHello @parus
That was a great thought for @mar1222
Jolts are just temporary (and can hurt) but to allow oneself to be gently nudged in a different direction is far better. Thanks for that great word-picture, I really like it.
Teresa
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1 Reactionlisalucier, Hi again. Things have been keeping me busy and trying to integrate into this new way of living. I haven't forgotten you guys, just things happen. Because I'm so distracted still I've been overlooking simple things like, the instrument panel on my Jeep was telling me to do some maintenance, I missed the cue and blew my engine. Lot's of dumb things I'm doing now while awaiting a new brain. Docs told me I'd have to work with the old one and most will return in due time.
It would be helpful if I had someone to coach me but now I find it a waste of time to attempt to discuss the situation, it goes past people and then they say, "Get over it!" I've only talked with a few people but it's still a waste. This site has been the most helpful in just allowing that things are never going to be the same and all of us here have to rebuild. Nothing new to mankind, just new to each of us.
Thanks for being here lisalucier, you people are great.
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3 Reactions@muppey So good to hear from you!
Teresa
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1 ReactionHi, @muppey -- I'd echo @hopeful33250's sentiment. It's really great to hear from you. Not to worry about any passage of time here -- just glad you posted. I realize you've been busy and have had a lot on your plate with your wife leaving and making a new way of living. It's very understandable you'd be distracted and that this would be a long path to process all that's happened in your life and to grieve it all.
What you said about people telling you to "get over it" recently related to your wife suddenly leaving a few months back really reminds me of a recent post from @IndianaScott, https://mayocl.in/2L6Aup8. It was about grieving the loss of his wife and similar things people have (insensitively) said to him. Perhaps he will have some words of wisdom for your grieving process.
Glad that this site has been helpful and that you've liked the people.
You talked about feeling distracted, overlooking things and awaiting a new brain. Wondering if you are saying that due to all that's happened in your life, you are feeling a bit in a fog?
Thank you @hopeful33250
I have good days and bad days...yesterday was good, today so so. Last week I had a full blown panic attack which I hadn’t had in years. It just seems so unreal...my brother was the baby of the family. It wasn’t supposed to go like this. He was the strongest person I’d ever met. He was supposed to outlive us all. I have spoken to a counselor but it didn’t help. I live in a small town so there aren’t many resources. I even contacted a group that deals specifically with those who have lost someone in aviation accidents. They got in touch with me twice but then stopped. It’s just difficult to appear strong on the outside (for my parents, for my son) but it’s killing me on the inside.
Thanks again
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3 Reactions@mar1222
Your feelings are understandable. As you know, we all grieve differently. The grief your parents feel as they have lost a son, will be different from yours because you lost a brother and also different from your son, because he has lost an uncle. These are all different relationships and therefore have different grief responses.
Something that might be helpful, would be to share some thoughts about your brother. You can either use this discussion forum if you are comfortable doing so, or you can jot down notes of remembrance about your brother. If you need some help, pull out some pictures of your brother, at different ages, and just look and remember.
Since many people, in the midst of grief, don't have the energy to fill a page of a journal what I've often suggested is to take some 3 X 5 index cards and each day write down some memory of the loved on who has died, it only has to be a sentence or two. It can be an experience you shared together or perhaps an irritating habit he had - you can write down his strengths, something you would like to share with him if he were alive, or perhaps just a message that you miss him. Then just keep these index cards in a place where you can pull them out and read them later on.
Writing can be very therapeutic. Would you like to give it a try?
Teresa
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4 ReactionsThank you so much for your reply @hopeful33250
I hadn’t received any replies and it was quiet in my emails and I started wondering what was going on and then realized for some reason the Mayo Clinic posts were going into the spam folder...
it’s still so hard to talk about this. But I want to try to talk about my brother without feeling like it might dissolve me. Let’s see, my brother was very smart. (I HATE using the past tense so much) He was an electrical engineer. He was incredibly generous and funny. He was a godparent to seven children, including my own son. He used a big chunk of his pay to buy all of those kids presents every Christmas. That’s an image of him that always comes to mind, his visiting us at Christmas with his arms completely laden with presents. He always got me and my mom a purse every year. He was quirky and hilarious. He’s send me weird little Bugs Bunny clips. He loved Game of Thrones and 007 movies. He was no-nonsense and very honest. At his funeral, the cathedral was filled all the way to the back. He was lovable and kind...we called him Pooh Bear. Everyone called him that. He had so many friends... but they’ve gone on with their lives... and we are still here, missing him. I just can’t seem to be able to reconcile with an existence that doesn’t include him. Even though he was always busy working and living his life, it gave me solace that he was out there. And now he’s not. And that is a very lonely, terrible thought. I always thought he’d communicate “somehow” that he was alright. Religion was always a part of my life...but I haven’t prayed since this happened. I can’t conveive of a god (right now) who would do this to us. We never even got closure as we never saw his body. I just don’t know why this happened. My family has always been good, hard-working. And if this is what you get... sorry, I’m very bitter and angry. And I’ve already written far too much. If anyone out there read all this, thank you. (Grief sometimes feels almost self-indulgent to me)
Anyways, thank you so much for your advice. I’ll keep writing about him but hopefully only to myself.
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4 ReactionsGood morning @mar1222 Nice to read your post (the whole thing I might add 🙂 It was nice to read about your brother! Thank you!
As I live in my grief life now I often find myself worrying people will forget the person my wife was now that she is gone. I will second @hopeful33250 Teresa's suggestion about the possible therapeutic value of writing about our lost loved ones. I like to think of a word I related to my wife (love, care, thanks, loss, pain, grief, etc.) and then write from there. In my case, and certainly not for everyone, I then pick a photo I think fits the piece I wrote and put it on my Facebook page. It is therapy for me in the writing and I find many of my friends appreciate them for the insights it gives them into our love, life together, challenges, ups-and-downs, etc.
I like Teresa's idea of the 3x5 cards, too! Since I am more oriented to the computer, I have a file of those thoughts. I call it 'Bits&Pieces'. It's a nice repository of thoughts and memories, plus a few bits of anger, lashing out, pity, etc.. at times too. I also put in questions I have over the loss. Interestingly I have found that every once in awhile I come back to them and can actually write a thought or two as an answer of sorts.
I know I have said before how individualized the grief journey is, but I have to say to me it is anything but self-indulgent! Emotions are never right or wrong, they are simply what and how we feel at a particular time! In my life now, grief comes and goes, sometimes in ripples, sometimes surprisingly encased in love, and sometimes like a roiling tide that overtakes me. Just this past 4th of July in the midst of over two dozen family members who had gathered to celebrate I saw our son and daughter walking and talking alone on the beach. Absentmindedly I said out loud 'Isn't that wonderful, MK!' When I realized what I had done the wave hit and I dissolved into tears. It just happens!
Grief also attacks each of us along differing timelines. Just a month ago our adult daughter finally had a discussion with me about many of the feelings she had from the night her mom died. We were together that night, witnessed the same thing, but our grief and processing of it are totally different! Probably always will be.
I wish you continued strength, courage, and peace!
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5 Reactions@mar1222 I did read all of your words. Your brother was a special person and try not to feel you are being self indulgent. Many of us know that anger is a part of grief. It has been over 40 years since my father's death and I still have rough times. As hopeful shared-we all grieve differently. The more you write and share if you like the more healing may come. The hurt you have is immense. Understand the being strong for others. Oft the family cannot provide the support and understanding you need. You wrote you will keep writing about him and "hopefully" only to yourself. Writing is helpful...so is sharing. Your brother gave happiness to many.
Yes, using the past tense is very hard. Part of the grieving and acceptance journey. you do not need to be sorry for how you feel. It is okay to question God...and to even be angry with Him. Hugs and share as you can. I like hearing about your brother.
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4 Reactions