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Loss and Grief: How are you doing?
When my dad passed away several years ago I lost my keys 4 times in one month, I would wake up at 3 a.m. several days every week feeling startled. Sound familiar? These are reactions to grief. Grief is a very personal experience - everyone grieves differently – even in the same family because the relationship of a father is different than that of a wife or a granddaughter. Unfortunately, often we grieve alone. Sometimes we don’t want to “bother others” with our grief, and sometimes friends and family tell us that we should be over it by now. After all the person we lost was ill for a long time or was very old and “it was their time” or “they are in a better place now.” Sound familiar?
Grieving is often described as the "work of grief." It does feel like hard work doesn’t it? Grief can be difficult because of the many factors related to the loss. If the loss followed a prolonged, serious illness you undoubtedly did some “anticipatory grief work” prior to the actual death of the loved one. If the loss, however, was sudden, i.e., accident related, suicide, a result of crime, etc. the sense of grief is coupled with shock.
The relationship that you had with the loved one also affects your grief experience, i.e. was your relationship close or had it been strained? Do you feel guilt that you were not closer or do you feel guilty because you don’t feel you did enough to help while your loved one was ill?
Sometimes anger plays a part in the grief process. Did your loved one get poor medical treatment or a wrong and/or late diagnosis? Did your loved one not follow your doctor’s orders with regard to their health (diet, smoking, attention to meds or exercise)? All of these factors contribute to your experience of grief.
Also, some losses are not so evident to others. These would include a miscarriage or a stillborn. Sometimes these losses are not considered as relevant to others as the loss of a person who has lived a longer life. In the case of a miscarriage, others might not even be aware of your loss.
You may think of that person on anniversary dates (their birthday, date of their death) or you might think of them constantly. Unfortunately, sometime people say things that can multiply grief. Have you ever heard someone say, “you should be over this by now?” or “I had a similar experience and I’m OK.” Well, most likely their similar experience was not the same as yours. Thinking you should be over it might compound your grief with feelings of guilt or frustration.
Whether a recent loss, or a loss you experienced a long time ago, let’s talk about it. Whatever your experience, I'd like to hear your stories and together find a way to relocate that loved one so that we can experience peace in our lifetime.
Together let us support each other in our grief journey.
Teresa
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Bless your heart! I think I get what you’re saying. You’re get up and go laid down on the job. You’re among people who don’t judge, I won’t ever tell u to get over it, and your among people who are feeling a lot of the same things you feel. We have to never give up, put the best you have into each day, love those pets, go for walks, take baby steps. Some days I have to fake my way through the day. We can do this, it may take us awhile but we can do this. I think about us all on here daily. Sunnymygirl ❤️
Antidepressants cause weight gain and hair loss. I know from experience. When you are depressed, walking your dog seems to be out of the question. Just leaving your house is monumental. Talking to your dog is actually wonderful therapy. However, after a while, you have to force yourself to get out, mingle with people even if it is going to a store and being nice to the clerk. Going to church, joining a church, joining a women's group at church is great for your wellbeing. I am so sorry for the loss of your mother. We don't know what has happened to another person, perhaps you have more in common than you know. God bless you.
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3 ReactionsThanks, @liz223
Yours is the second good report that I've heard, so I might give it a try.
Teresa
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1 Reaction@muppey -- I grew up in Marin County, and our house had pyracantha bushes in the yard and glass sliding doors on the same side of our home. We sure buried a lot of birds we placed in shoeboxes who ate the berries and then hit the glass doors.
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3 Reactions@kathy4385
I am glad that you continue to post on Connect. Your feeling of abandonment is certainly understandable. I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. Just too many losses, isn't it?
Keep looking for ways to be active and find enjoyment where you can.
I look forward to hearing from you again.
Teresa
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3 Reactions@muppey I don't know what you are referring to when you ask if it was dark down there? I can't seem to find the post you are referring to. Yes, far out is a hippie left-over phrase. I never considered myself a hippie, although I am familiar with the time frame and language.
I am quite happy to have sunshine and warm days to enjoy after a long, cold and icy winter. Mostly I am glad to be feeling better. It seems my mood is mirroring my physical well-being. I would never wish for drought, it is so hard on everyone and everything. I am glad not to have to haul water like we did when I was a child and the household well failed.
Thinking about wild animals in general, the males are attention getters and more flamboyant. I have always assumed it was to draw attention away from the females and offspring to assure their safe-keeping and perpetuation of the species. Isn't it too bad that humans don't always follow that pattern? I say that out of my own experiences, when the men that were supposed to protect and provide for me failed completely. I'm sure you can understand in reverse.
I was going to try to post some photos, but I haven't figured out how to get them from my phone to my computer yet. I was enjoying my "buds" lol. I am glad to hear you are continuing to reach out. Continued blessings to you.
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2 Reactions@hopeful33250
Teresa, I tried Gabapentin a few years ago and again a couple of months ago. I didn't like the cognitive side effects.
Jim
@kathy4385
I pastored a church in a town of 247. Shopping and doctors were 3 hours away. The local Methodist Church service was earlier than ours, and we attended there just to be able to sit in a pew. When we moved away, we went to the local church for 8 years, but I couldn't stay any longer because of the pastor's negativity. It was dragging me down, and I told the pastor how much it was affecting me, especially because of my depression. We go to a good church now that's 30 miles away. There are probably several other good churches locally, but I preferred to stick with the denomination I'm ordained with.
Change is hard. And having problems within the church is even harder. Be patient and don't make any quick decisions that you might regret later.
Jim
@2011panc,
Sometimes I get my post's mixed but I thought you were the one writing about trying to dig your way out of the water barrel with a plastic shovel. Hard thing to do. Anyway I understand the idea and how dark some days are. I was just luring you into posting to me again.
I need all the attention. LOL
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2 Reactions@lisalucier ,
That's why they say "Don't drink and fly!" Poor birds never hurt anyone. Sure was fun watching them though. I get Robins around her in the Foothills but nothing like we'd get in Burlingame.
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3 Reactions