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Loss and Grief: How are you doing?
When my dad passed away several years ago I lost my keys 4 times in one month, I would wake up at 3 a.m. several days every week feeling startled. Sound familiar? These are reactions to grief. Grief is a very personal experience - everyone grieves differently – even in the same family because the relationship of a father is different than that of a wife or a granddaughter. Unfortunately, often we grieve alone. Sometimes we don’t want to “bother others” with our grief, and sometimes friends and family tell us that we should be over it by now. After all the person we lost was ill for a long time or was very old and “it was their time” or “they are in a better place now.” Sound familiar?
Grieving is often described as the "work of grief." It does feel like hard work doesn’t it? Grief can be difficult because of the many factors related to the loss. If the loss followed a prolonged, serious illness you undoubtedly did some “anticipatory grief work” prior to the actual death of the loved one. If the loss, however, was sudden, i.e., accident related, suicide, a result of crime, etc. the sense of grief is coupled with shock.
The relationship that you had with the loved one also affects your grief experience, i.e. was your relationship close or had it been strained? Do you feel guilt that you were not closer or do you feel guilty because you don’t feel you did enough to help while your loved one was ill?
Sometimes anger plays a part in the grief process. Did your loved one get poor medical treatment or a wrong and/or late diagnosis? Did your loved one not follow your doctor’s orders with regard to their health (diet, smoking, attention to meds or exercise)? All of these factors contribute to your experience of grief.
Also, some losses are not so evident to others. These would include a miscarriage or a stillborn. Sometimes these losses are not considered as relevant to others as the loss of a person who has lived a longer life. In the case of a miscarriage, others might not even be aware of your loss.
You may think of that person on anniversary dates (their birthday, date of their death) or you might think of them constantly. Unfortunately, sometime people say things that can multiply grief. Have you ever heard someone say, “you should be over this by now?” or “I had a similar experience and I’m OK.” Well, most likely their similar experience was not the same as yours. Thinking you should be over it might compound your grief with feelings of guilt or frustration.
Whether a recent loss, or a loss you experienced a long time ago, let’s talk about it. Whatever your experience, I'd like to hear your stories and together find a way to relocate that loved one so that we can experience peace in our lifetime.
Together let us support each other in our grief journey.
Teresa
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Hello @gemmax
I would like to add my "welcome" to that of Lisa's and Scott's. I am so pleased that you posted here on Connect. This is a very supportive and encouraging community.
Yes, it is my understanding that recovery from grief is definitely not a straight line but more like a zig-zag. You can be going along feeling pretty OK and then all of sudden there is a major downward tumble and you feel like you are back at Stage 1 of the grief process. Don't despair when these times come, it is all part of the process and you will come up again.
Your brother sounds like an exceptional person and you must miss him greatly. Can you share one memory of him?
I look forward to hearing from you again.
Teresa
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2 Reactions@gemmax,
Hi, Sorry for your loss. Strange how that brick wall comes along smacking you without notice. I'd been reading and posting here when one day several weeks ago I was puzzled because I woke up and it seemed as if I was doing real good, energy, ready to go to work, sun shining. I asked one of the mentors about that because it didn't seem real that I'd be torn one day and wake up the next like it was all done. "It" came back. @lisalucier mentioned that it can come in waves, it does.
Keep coming back because this is a great site and we'll lend a shoulder.
My brother Stephen gave me his Jeep about three weeks before he passed, I still have it after all these years and I still thank him everyday I get in it. Steve would listen to me right now, I know because he'd done it in the past. He was more philosopher type.
Take Care!
Mark
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4 Reactionskathy4358
Kathy, me again. I am drawn to your posts because you have been writing so much of what I have felt for so many years in come cases. I do completely understand your discomfort attending services under the conditions which you describe. I get how awkward it must feel going to services or other events and nobody sits with you. What a feeling of isolation that creates - which can surely lead to feelings of hopelessness. We feel that our brothers and sisters in Christ should be there for us and support us through our circumstances. On a more global scale, I firmly believe that much of what is unfolding today in the Church is generational. When we "baby boomers" were in our prime and calling more of the shots, we enjoyed much more of the more intimate relationships with our brothers and sisters. Then the Gen-X folks came along and assumed more positions of leadership in our congregations while they felt that we Baby Boomers were simply "aging out" and were carrying on outdated traditions. As a result, they wanted change -- and boy did they get it. In fact, my personal experience was with a church were the Gen-X folks demanded change or they would move on to another congregation. In fact, they took over the home congregation and FORCED the baby boomers to exit the church that many of them had grown up in and build their own building in town thereby calling it by a different name. What they did not figure out until later is that the "high contributors" had just been run off, so their revenue stream (contributions) was diminished extensively (after hiring the high priced pulpit minister, the high dollar tag worship leader, etc. Then comes the Millennials. The millennials are a group that is totally different than anything we have seen. I think they generally are minimalists, and value experiences over material possessions. I am not sure about this, but I believe what they desire in a church is a place where they can go to, slip out, and not spend the time talking following a service. Rather, they had rather spend time with selected friends over a very nice dinner. I say all this to say that the composition of the church is changed tremendously over my lifetimes, and the general values, wants, goals out of going to church are vastly different than not too many years ago. Today, so many people are so wrapped up in themselves and in their "clickish" groups. Many times today, churches are run more like a business than a congregation of God's people. It is just the way it is. I guess my point here is to try not to be terribly discouraged when people do not reach out to you. I imagine you do not want to do this, but it may be worth visiting some alternate places of worship and see what new doors may be opened. You may find a church filled with others just like yourself, except the personality of the church is more open, thereby recognizing each others hurts, fears, pain, etc. Wouldn't that be wonderful to get established at a place like that? (Sorry for any spelling issues or typeo's -- no time to proof this).
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2 ReactionsI’m so very sorry for the loss of your brother. I know that brick wall and I’ve hit that wall more than once. I just want u to know you’re not alone, and no matter what happens I am willing to listen. Everyone grieves differently and there is no right or wrong way. Some days I’m great, others I just have to cry and feel her loss. It’s a fresh wound and I have a slow healing process ahead of me. I’m thankful I have a group of people that understand and listen to me . Sunnymygirl
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4 ReactionsReply to myself. I didn't miss that meeting as I did call and Gary gave me a ride. Guess I'm getting better.
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3 ReactionsThat is wonderful to hear, @muppey!
Did you find it useful?
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2 Reactions@kathy4385,
"people dont realize that hurting people hurt." There's an understatement! There is one thing in the miracles that always gets me. I'm not a woman but my x is and I relate to this as she was in need of an hysterectomy but the doctor misjudged the situation.
Mary was almost gone when the hospital called and told us to come in. When we got there the receptionist was ready for her and made this excuse that they'd have to put her in intensive care because there were no extra beds elsewhere. I stood there for a good while as the nurses tried to get a vein but couldn't so they called for the best 'vein' finder. I left as I knew Mary was out and the nurses were taking good care of her and I was in the way. They fixed it and everything turned out great.
The miracle reference is when this lady had "an issue of blood for many years" (???). This lady was brave and terrified at the same time but figured if she could touch Jesus' garment she'd be fine. She did! Then Jesus turned and said, "Who touched me for I have felt virtue leave me!" The poor lady was terrified and tried to hide but Jesus knew her and called her and she was healed.
Gets me every time.
Take care!
Mark
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3 Reactions@jimhd,
"just stop all of my meds". How could they do that? Some of those things need to be stepped down over a period of time, not cold turkey. I read up on the one I'm taking and was disappointed to find that it'd take a matter of months to wean me from the stuff. It's not an opiate, some other stuff.
Good for you standing up to the staff. It's difficult to take that stuff when you're there for help. That one day/night I was in the hospital several doctors paraded through my room and one young smart ass doctor made fun of me for drinking ten cups of coffee a day. OK Doc! I'll switch it to ten shots of whiskey per day and get back to you from the drunk tank. Priorities? My shots were more like "three finger whiskey" which is a good "stiff drink" as they say.
Funny we are, I'm trying to put on the lost weight because I'm looking skinny at 170, really skinny at 150, and looking like a refugee from a concentration camp at 137. That happened around 2012. The dietician just put me on a routine of 2 containers of Ensure per day and that was sent to me by the VA at almost no cost. I think there were maybe 50 drinks per box. It was heavy and the postman groaned when he handed them to me. They sent around 9 box's over the months and I gained weight and got my appetite back. Thanks VA.
It was funny when the dietician asked me what flavor I wanted. I don't know, I was thinking, this stuff is almost free and I'm going to be picky? I chose chocolate.
Don't let them push you around!
Take Care.
Mark
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3 Reactions@lisalucier
Every AA meeting is useful. It's an amazing gathering of people who are so grateful for the help that's given. I'm not sure what to call it as it is a 'leaderless' bunch of people, no one becomes a leader, people serve at meetings for a given period, and in private one on one encounters with sponsors who guide them through the steps.
I just got back from a 12:30 meeting. I don't bring up this stuff I mention here but they wouldn't dock me if I did. One woman talked a little about loosing her children and started crying, who can blame her? I'd go nuts if I couldn't never see my sons during that time. I don't know her full story but it'll come along. The women flock around each other like they're all...women doing what women do. Sometimes they'll go into giggle fits which is fun to watch. Makes me laugh anyway. I think they all have some conspiratorial inside secret. Just wondering.
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1 Reaction@muppey Thank you for the Bible reference. I had forgotten about His comment that virtue had left Him. That refreshed me after a long day.
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2 Reactions