Loss and Grief: How are you doing?

Posted by Teresa, Volunteer Mentor @hopeful33250, Jan 16, 2018

When my dad passed away several years ago I lost my keys 4 times in one month, I would wake up at 3 a.m. several days every week feeling startled. Sound familiar? These are reactions to grief. Grief is a very personal experience - everyone grieves differently – even in the same family because the relationship of a father is different than that of a wife or a granddaughter. Unfortunately, often we grieve alone. Sometimes we don’t want to “bother others” with our grief, and sometimes friends and family tell us that we should be over it by now. After all the person we lost was ill for a long time or was very old and “it was their time” or “they are in a better place now.” Sound familiar?

Grieving is often described as the "work of grief." It does feel like hard work doesn’t it? Grief can be difficult because of the many factors related to the loss. If the loss followed a prolonged, serious illness you undoubtedly did some “anticipatory grief work” prior to the actual death of the loved one. If the loss, however, was sudden, i.e., accident related, suicide, a result of crime, etc. the sense of grief is coupled with shock.

The relationship that you had with the loved one also affects your grief experience, i.e. was your relationship close or had it been strained? Do you feel guilt that you were not closer or do you feel guilty because you don’t feel you did enough to help while your loved one was ill?

Sometimes anger plays a part in the grief process. Did your loved one get poor medical treatment or a wrong and/or late diagnosis? Did your loved one not follow your doctor’s orders with regard to their health (diet, smoking, attention to meds or exercise)? All of these factors contribute to your experience of grief.

Also, some losses are not so evident to others. These would include a miscarriage or a stillborn. Sometimes these losses are not considered as relevant to others as the loss of a person who has lived a longer life. In the case of a miscarriage, others might not even be aware of your loss.

You may think of that person on anniversary dates (their birthday, date of their death) or you might think of them constantly. Unfortunately, sometime people say things that can multiply grief. Have you ever heard someone say, “you should be over this by now?” or “I had a similar experience and I’m OK.” Well, most likely their similar experience was not the same as yours. Thinking you should be over it might compound your grief with feelings of guilt or frustration.

Whether a recent loss, or a loss you experienced a long time ago, let’s talk about it. Whatever your experience, I'd like to hear your stories and together find a way to relocate that loved one so that we can experience peace in our lifetime.

Together let us support each other in our grief journey.

Teresa

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Loss & Grief Support Group.

@badboys1965

I am so sorry for everyone that lost someone that they loved deeply. My dad has been gone since 2001. God i still miss him so much!! When he died, it was a shock to my whole family. Who would of thought he would die before my mother. My mother passed away three years later. She was in a nursing home for twenty-five years due to a stroke she had. My dad visited her every day come rain or come shine. I still am not over their passing away. They were good people. I still cry sometimes when i think of them and still have vivid dreams about them to this day. It got easier to deal with their loss with the help from my husband Mark who loss his mother a few years ago too. prayers for everyone who loss someone, Trudy

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@jimhd,
"It's enough that she has to live with me." I know it's easy to be self deprecating but maybe use that in a humorous way about yourself. I Bbt your an easy guy to live with and I'm pretty sure women, your wife, would like to hear what's on your mind. Talking and sharing was one thing which I did a lot with Mary but looking back it makes me crazy because of the trust issue. I trusted her with what goes on in my mind and she betrayed that and we should never do that to anyone. If it's already common knowledge it's no big deal. For an example of a possible mistrust issue...yesterday I was looking through some old writing I have dating 1977. I wrote some prognostication down and today the USA is facing what I wrote. This came from study and nothing much else other than figuring and knowing about nations and human nature, greed etc. I wouldn't want a distorted version of that getting out because that stuff can make people think you're nutty. Just saying.

I know I keep secrets! If I need to discuss something which confused me I can formulate it away from any identity of other people so it stays anonymous. When I did this in past I used to leave identifiers but learned to think ahead and stopped doing that. I don't like gossip. Simple identifiers would be a place of employment for instance. I once said "the guy was a chiropractor" and that was a mistake because of the small town nature of things and that identified the person. I wasn't saying anything bad about the guy I just didn't want to identify him.

It always bothered me that some people would demand the "Who are you talking about?", I'd work around that. Why do people need to do that? Give me some ammo???

Jim, bring your lady friend some wine, probably give her a thrill. She's not going to become an alcoholic at 104 years old. Just me thinking of how lonely and boring laying in a bed can be. I'd never spent a night in a hospital before Feb. 1-2 and I can attest that it's boring. The night nurse came in around 2am and I was wide awake and I said, "This is boring!" The nurse told me to watch tv, "boring". LOL.

The name of the hill is Cumorah which is apparently in New York but later their scholars decided that there was another hill in Mexico or some other inconvenient place. I suppose they don't want any exploration to prove their fiction. Weird.

I think Gomorah would be OK but that's next door to Sodom, they wouldn't like that. Hah!

Thanks for writing back I do appreciate it a lot. Brain is still foggy but getting better. I actually did a job yesterday.

Mark

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@kathy4385

I really dont even know where to start. I lost my best friend, lover and husband to liver cancer 2.5 years ago. Didnt really start to grieve till last year. As to, I believe having recieved 2 foster kids 6 mos after he died. So poured everything into the kids. and delayed my grieving, untill they left my home 5 months later. Then it was like I lost and was grieving all 3 at the same time. To say the least, Im not doing so well. My friends and neighbors dont understand, and say I push them away, (not what I wanted to do, or intended to do) just didnt know how to express myself. so ended up more alone, and felt abandoned. I am a christian, and have been studying all I can in the word about grief, depression, and loneliness. My family lives far away, I thought I had the church family, but feel I dont fit in anymore, and they quit reaching out cause they feel I should be over it by now. and they dont know what to do with me, I dont fit in any of the groups that we used to be in. All I really want is to feel needed, wanted, and to belong to something, cant find the new normal, dont seem to fit in, feel more alone in a crowd, so I just stay home alone. know that is not the answer either, but dont know what to do. Want to go home to be with my husband, and all the loved ones who have died before me. At times it seems the only answer. Just waiting to die of a broken heart. I get up each day, because I have animals to care for, so all I am living for now.

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Hi, @kathy4385 -- saw one of your posts here today and was thinking of you. I'm wondering how you are doing and feeling with the loss of your dear husband.

Have you been able to get out of the house at all lately?

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@badboys1965

I am so sorry for everyone that lost someone that they loved deeply. My dad has been gone since 2001. God i still miss him so much!! When he died, it was a shock to my whole family. Who would of thought he would die before my mother. My mother passed away three years later. She was in a nursing home for twenty-five years due to a stroke she had. My dad visited her every day come rain or come shine. I still am not over their passing away. They were good people. I still cry sometimes when i think of them and still have vivid dreams about them to this day. It got easier to deal with their loss with the help from my husband Mark who loss his mother a few years ago too. prayers for everyone who loss someone, Trudy

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@2011panc, @jimhd, littleonefromohio, and to whom it concerns or not!
The other day I complained as usual, but this was about a Leaning Pine, leaning towards my bedroom. I met this guy over his lost dog and they're together again. Cool!
This morning around 9:15 the dog owner, Cole, and his buddy Rayme came by and within 20 minutes had that tree lying on the ground. I was impressed and told them both. "I'm impressed! That's amazing!" We shook hands and they left. Now I don't have to worry about that tree coming down on my bed. It's going to storm this evening into tomorrow so we'll be happy here in this nice little home. (We'll?) Slow today, no one else here.

This morning a bit of humanity drove into my yard. I'm very grateful for their kindness and all. Thank God Almighty a lot.

Good things happen!

Mark

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@badboys1965

I am so sorry for everyone that lost someone that they loved deeply. My dad has been gone since 2001. God i still miss him so much!! When he died, it was a shock to my whole family. Who would of thought he would die before my mother. My mother passed away three years later. She was in a nursing home for twenty-five years due to a stroke she had. My dad visited her every day come rain or come shine. I still am not over their passing away. They were good people. I still cry sometimes when i think of them and still have vivid dreams about them to this day. It got easier to deal with their loss with the help from my husband Mark who loss his mother a few years ago too. prayers for everyone who loss someone, Trudy

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@muppey Mark: Thanks for sharing that good story! Teresa

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@badboys1965

I am so sorry for everyone that lost someone that they loved deeply. My dad has been gone since 2001. God i still miss him so much!! When he died, it was a shock to my whole family. Who would of thought he would die before my mother. My mother passed away three years later. She was in a nursing home for twenty-five years due to a stroke she had. My dad visited her every day come rain or come shine. I still am not over their passing away. They were good people. I still cry sometimes when i think of them and still have vivid dreams about them to this day. It got easier to deal with their loss with the help from my husband Mark who loss his mother a few years ago too. prayers for everyone who loss someone, Trudy

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@hopeful33250, Ok hopeful! I just got back from the doc office, took the meds, felt tired and lay down for 30 minutes, fell asleep, woke up at 1:30 pm and it's snowing. I'd like to see a few inches drop but it's April so it's probably just a passying little flurry.
I like the snow as long as I don't have to shovel it. I'm at 2000 ft so it doesn't snow much down here, but have had almost three ft. before.

Was it you who mentioned that this stuff comes and goes and after a good couple days you'll wake up with it all back? Anyway, whoever said that is right. Good things happened while I was doing better so maybe we get a chance to charge the battery and then get sent back to deal with it. Just a guess, "...won't give you more than you can bare!"

Do bare's hibernate to get away from it all?

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@badboys1965

I am so sorry for everyone that lost someone that they loved deeply. My dad has been gone since 2001. God i still miss him so much!! When he died, it was a shock to my whole family. Who would of thought he would die before my mother. My mother passed away three years later. She was in a nursing home for twenty-five years due to a stroke she had. My dad visited her every day come rain or come shine. I still am not over their passing away. They were good people. I still cry sometimes when i think of them and still have vivid dreams about them to this day. It got easier to deal with their loss with the help from my husband Mark who loss his mother a few years ago too. prayers for everyone who loss someone, Trudy

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@muppey Hi Mark:

I don't know much about bears and their hibernation, but I'm glad that you have had some good days. Grief is rather cyclical, all seems good one day and the next it can feel like you are at the beginning all over again. However, take heart you never go back to square one, even though it might feel that way.

Wishing you more good days and I'm wishing us all some spring weather (without snow thank you!).

Teresa

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I'm so sorry. I understand somewhat how you feel. Grieving is a lonely place and each of us handles it differently. I have never lost a mate to death, but I lost an adult son. I felt no one could help me. I felt if they touched me I would fall apart. I played golf most days (alone), slept alone and relived the end of his life over and over. However, finally one day I was ready to accept I had to find a way to live. Ever so slowly I started reaching out to others who were hurting more than me. We are often healed when helping others. God certainly understands our grief and wants to heal us. It takes time. Also I came to believe that there are other things in life that are worse than death. I hope your healing begins soon.
My husband also has liver cancer and I know I will grieve again as he gets worse and I lose him.
Bless you!

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@badboys1965

I am so sorry for everyone that lost someone that they loved deeply. My dad has been gone since 2001. God i still miss him so much!! When he died, it was a shock to my whole family. Who would of thought he would die before my mother. My mother passed away three years later. She was in a nursing home for twenty-five years due to a stroke she had. My dad visited her every day come rain or come shine. I still am not over their passing away. They were good people. I still cry sometimes when i think of them and still have vivid dreams about them to this day. It got easier to deal with their loss with the help from my husband Mark who loss his mother a few years ago too. prayers for everyone who loss someone, Trudy

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@hopeful33250
High Hope! Guess I should have been more clear. I should have said, "Do bearer's hibernate to get away from it all?" Or, "Do bare's (sic) hibernate to get away from it all?"
Another reason I was not cut out to be a comedian.

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@liz223

I'm so sorry. I understand somewhat how you feel. Grieving is a lonely place and each of us handles it differently. I have never lost a mate to death, but I lost an adult son. I felt no one could help me. I felt if they touched me I would fall apart. I played golf most days (alone), slept alone and relived the end of his life over and over. However, finally one day I was ready to accept I had to find a way to live. Ever so slowly I started reaching out to others who were hurting more than me. We are often healed when helping others. God certainly understands our grief and wants to heal us. It takes time. Also I came to believe that there are other things in life that are worse than death. I hope your healing begins soon.
My husband also has liver cancer and I know I will grieve again as he gets worse and I lose him.
Bless you!

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That's what my husband died from too, sorry to hear that your husband has liver cancer. Still not doing well being alone, The other things are getting easier, but is just too quiet with out my best friend. Prayers for you.
Kathy

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@badboys1965

I am so sorry for everyone that lost someone that they loved deeply. My dad has been gone since 2001. God i still miss him so much!! When he died, it was a shock to my whole family. Who would of thought he would die before my mother. My mother passed away three years later. She was in a nursing home for twenty-five years due to a stroke she had. My dad visited her every day come rain or come shine. I still am not over their passing away. They were good people. I still cry sometimes when i think of them and still have vivid dreams about them to this day. It got easier to deal with their loss with the help from my husband Mark who loss his mother a few years ago too. prayers for everyone who loss someone, Trudy

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Hi, @muppey -- wondering how it's going? How are you feeling these days? Has your snow gone away completely now?

@harriethodgson1 -- also thinking of you and the grief you've gone through with the loss of your daughter 11 years ago. I can only imagine that hurts for a very long time.

How are you doing?

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