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Loss and Grief: How are you doing?
When my dad passed away several years ago I lost my keys 4 times in one month, I would wake up at 3 a.m. several days every week feeling startled. Sound familiar? These are reactions to grief. Grief is a very personal experience - everyone grieves differently – even in the same family because the relationship of a father is different than that of a wife or a granddaughter. Unfortunately, often we grieve alone. Sometimes we don’t want to “bother others” with our grief, and sometimes friends and family tell us that we should be over it by now. After all the person we lost was ill for a long time or was very old and “it was their time” or “they are in a better place now.” Sound familiar?
Grieving is often described as the "work of grief." It does feel like hard work doesn’t it? Grief can be difficult because of the many factors related to the loss. If the loss followed a prolonged, serious illness you undoubtedly did some “anticipatory grief work” prior to the actual death of the loved one. If the loss, however, was sudden, i.e., accident related, suicide, a result of crime, etc. the sense of grief is coupled with shock.
The relationship that you had with the loved one also affects your grief experience, i.e. was your relationship close or had it been strained? Do you feel guilt that you were not closer or do you feel guilty because you don’t feel you did enough to help while your loved one was ill?
Sometimes anger plays a part in the grief process. Did your loved one get poor medical treatment or a wrong and/or late diagnosis? Did your loved one not follow your doctor’s orders with regard to their health (diet, smoking, attention to meds or exercise)? All of these factors contribute to your experience of grief.
Also, some losses are not so evident to others. These would include a miscarriage or a stillborn. Sometimes these losses are not considered as relevant to others as the loss of a person who has lived a longer life. In the case of a miscarriage, others might not even be aware of your loss.
You may think of that person on anniversary dates (their birthday, date of their death) or you might think of them constantly. Unfortunately, sometime people say things that can multiply grief. Have you ever heard someone say, “you should be over this by now?” or “I had a similar experience and I’m OK.” Well, most likely their similar experience was not the same as yours. Thinking you should be over it might compound your grief with feelings of guilt or frustration.
Whether a recent loss, or a loss you experienced a long time ago, let’s talk about it. Whatever your experience, I'd like to hear your stories and together find a way to relocate that loved one so that we can experience peace in our lifetime.
Together let us support each other in our grief journey.
Teresa
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Thanks for the encouraging words, I know its the animals that have kept me going this past 2 yrs. otherwise I dont think I would bother to get up in the morning. I know spring is coming, and field work which brings me joy. I've been riding horse a lot this past 2 wks. Always a good time for me. I am really trying to listen to God, been faithful in my time with him, and my devotions, and reading the word, memorizing scripture. But I have to admit that sometimes He seems silent. And I am at lose as what I should do.
Blessings
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4 Reactions@jimhd, @muppey I understand much of what you are both saying but would like to make a suggestion. At times, it feels to me as if you are painting all church people with a broad brush, and that may just be my reading into your posts something not there. There are quite a few people I see (virtually) on here who get their greatest support from a church family or minister. Please don't take that away from them. I am a child of the church as we never missed a time when the doors were open. My Mom told me recently that she now thinks that her insistence on being there for everything when me and my brother were younger was probably not one of her best parenting moves. As an adult I have always been in church regularly until I got sick and have a fear of large groups borne of opiates`, but did not begin to have a true relationship with my savior until after I got sick and learned to let him drive the bus and become needy in His presence. I still try to take the wheel at times and it never works out very well. Our religious experiences are always very unique to us and in every person's past is a "pillar" of the church who turned out to not be and for some that is an entire group. Jim, like you I stopped for a phone conference and have forgotten where I was and what I was thinking, so maybe I can pick it back up later.
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3 Reactions@claf and @muppey Isn't it amazing that people think God is that way. Glad you both know it is not the truth. My sister (who always talks about what a great Christian she is and how she never did anything wrong) got mad at my brother a couple months ago. She told him that because he had never gotten married (had a pretty long term engagement that broke up badly) that other Christians looked down on him. REALLY? My brother had a degree in Biblical studies from Multinoma Bible institute. I said did you ask her else was never married? Jesus still loves her, but really.
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1 ReactionThanks she saw it and replied. She is on the list but doesn't get much call where she lives.
@muppey I think "things" or trinkets, for some people, are used to say what that person can not put into words. However if the person on the receiving end doesn't communicate that way it is meaningless for them. So it all gets lost. The giver gets upset and the receiver is confused. So you might think about this the next time some one gives you something. Thank them for thinking of you. Say something like "is there a special meaning". A lot of us do tend to put to much attachment into "Things".
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3 Reactions@kathy4385 I also find that when I am really depressed or my pain level is increased, I seem to have trouble connecting with God. I know it is me, because he has not gone anywhere and when I find my way back, there He is. It would seem that we would draw nearer to our source of safety and security, but, at least for me, the opposite happens at times. The best I can make of it is that I am more medicated during those times and I have more trouble concentrating enough to feel comfortable in His presence. Don't know if that makes any sense or not?
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2 ReactionsI think it makes perfect sense, and I can relate when I'm in emotional or physical pain. I'm not a clergyperson but I do believe the Higher Power doesn't desert us. But don't want to bring in personal spiritual views here too much. There is an expression that the Higher Power is in the silence. May we all feel completely well and soon. (whatever our personal beliefs). : )
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2 Reactionsstressedmesseddepressed,
You have to do it my way!
Wow, stressedmesseddepressed is a bucket full. I'll have to go look for your post's, that's a lot of stuff.
Thanks kdawn, I'll consider what you say. There were two things that I really liked. One was a card I sent to Mary from San Mateo which showed a little girl walking a dirt road over shadowed with huge trees. It was cute and reminded me of our experience. The other was a picture of a donkey on a boat with a life saver on his neck with the words, "You saved my ass!" written.
Mary's got them now so what?
@harriethodgson1,
OK! Like I said, I'm learning things from you people. Thanks for the clue.
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