Long-term depression

My heart goes out to anyone suffering from long term depression and anxiety. I am so thankful that I am no longer in that black hole. However, I can still remember the almost unbearable feeling of not being able to function during that time. I was so blessed to have a neighbor and friend who would listen while I cried and went over and over my lost feelings. I had refused to go back to my doctor and had no place to turn to. I loved my husband, but no longer trusted him. I didn't have what it took to leave him, but wished most of the time that he would leave me. I felt totally unloved and like a total failure. I actually never could see where my hospitalization and shock treatment helped, but maybe it dulled the pain for awhile so I could begin to have some kind of plan to survive. It was a long and slow struggle. I did it without medicine. I remember walking and calling out in my mind for help. I would repeat without knowing exactly why "Oh God, Oh God". It became a sort of pathetic mantra. Then I became unreasonably afraid to leave home for over a few minutes. I felt if I was away from home something terrible was going to happen. For a long while I was able to will myself to sleep during the day while my boys were in school. I just wanted so badly to find joy in life again. A reason to live and a way to live. My thoughts were "how can you live the rest of your life this way?". How can you be a normal mother? Somehow I begin to know there was no help for me but a higher power, but how to connect with that power for real was another question. I knew a lot about God, but I didn't know Him. I desperately wanted to. I felt He was my only hope. I believed He would love me unconditionally if I could just know Him. I badly needed a real honest to God Father. I had a long way to go and a lot to learn. Times were dark, lonely and I was afraid of life and myself. I wanted to go back in time and make everything good again, but that's impossible. I had seen the devastation from depression in my grandparents lives and then in my mother's life. I had seen my cousin who I dearly loved take her own life, another cousin who was Schizophrenic, and now they had diagnosed me as Bi-Polar. They had actually given me insulin shock treatments. I felt I must be insane, what was I to do?

My heart goes out to anyone suffering from long term depression and anxiety. I am so thankful that I am no longer in that black hole. However, I can still remember the almost unbearable feeling of not being able to function during that time. I was so blessed to have a neighbor and friend who would listen while I cried and went over and over my lost feelings. I had refused to go back to my doctor and had no place to turn to. I loved my husband, but no longer trusted him. I didn't have what it took to leave him, but wished most of the time that he would leave me. I felt totally unloved and like a total failure. I actually never could see where my hospitalization and shock treatment helped, but maybe it dulled the pain for awhile so I could begin to have some kind of plan to survive. It was a long and slow struggle. I did it without medicine. I remember walking and calling out in my mind for help. I would repeat without knowing exactly why "Oh God, Oh God". It became a sort of pathetic mantra. Then I became unreasonably afraid to leave home for over a few minutes. I felt if I was away from home something terrible was going to happen. For a long while I was able to will myself to sleep during the day while my boys were in school. I just wanted so badly to find joy in life again. A reason to live and a way to live. My thoughts were "how can you live the rest of your life this way?". How can you be a normal mother? Somehow I begin to know there was no help for me but a higher power, but how to connect with that power for real was another question. I knew a lot about God, but I didn't know Him. I desperately wanted to. I felt He was my only hope. I believed He would love me unconditionally if I could just know Him. I badly needed a real honest to God Father. I had a long way to go and a lot to learn. Times were dark, lonely and I was afraid of life and myself. I wanted to go back in time and make everything good again, but that's impossible. I had seen the devastation from depression in my grandparents lives and then in my mother's life. I had seen my cousin who I dearly loved take her own life, another cousin who was Schizophrenic, and now they had diagnosed me as Bi-Polar. They had actually given me insulin shock treatments. I felt I must be insane, what was I to do?

I am very grateful for the connection that we can have through these groups. Isolation and loneliness can have disastrous effects on those with a tendency towards depression. Family and friends frequently do not have the patience to deal with chronic conditions. Here, we can say what we need to say. And always, learn from each other.

I use a small white board with colorful markers. I put the date at the top of the whiteboard. This may seem too simplistic for some, but I need the structure and the simplicity. I put the ONE thing that absolutely must be done that day, I may also put several things that are "rewards" or fun things to do that will reinforce positive thing and behavior. If I don't get them all done, I will just put them on the board for the next day. This way I won't stress out over the complexities of daily life.

Ladybugmg, How about writing a short list of the things you want to do for just today. Not too many things. You may work on them simultaneously, for instance laundry & paying bills, but do not venture out of the list for the day. I find this helps and keeps me from becoming overwhelmed. 🙂 My list looks a little childish, but this is OK. It's just for me and my sanity. LOL (I include everything).

I hope the exchanging of ideas as to how each one of us uses coping skills helps others. I like the method of using colorful markers on a white board! Good suggestion!

Thank you for your kind words Jim. I feel sorry for people that have to share their lives with a depressed person. I just wish there was a way to make them truly understand how you feel. It is so hard to explain something that you dont totally understand yourself. It seems whenever i have a trauma happen in my life, my depression goes wild. I wasnt totally stable but was functioning than i lost my beautiful 2 year old heart dog to a vicous fungus infection. It just destroyed me. I loved that dog with all my heart. I also lost my old dog it was expected but still hurt. .it was just too much. Iam a dog lover and i grieve for them just like i do a person. It seems like there is always a trauma or disaster waiting out there to knock you down.

@anniegk

Two years ago, my service dog, Barnabas, died suddenly from a stroke or some other brain event. Just a week earlier the vet did a checkup and said he was in great health and had years of life left. It was just out of the blue! I still miss him. I love my new dog, Sadie, but the loss still hurts.

Jim

@anniegk

This is Sadie.

Jim

Hi, I am very interested in what you have posted. My life runs parallel to yours. I have come to accept it as genetics, but I will never give up trying to beat it. Cognitive therapy has been helpful, although I find it difficult to speak to a therapist about this, so I read a lot. Of late, I have had an increased determination to overcome this affliction. I believe it is within us to move beyond it. I would love to hear from anyone who may have suffered from depression for decades. Do you have any suggestions or specific actions that may have been helpful for you?