“Showtime”: My husband hides his MCI by his humor and deflection.

@marilynt I just think we have to turn the other cheek to friends that just say the wrong things because they don't know what they don't know. Sad, but true.
Best, Karla

When Jim starts to speak, I think, "MCI or Jim?" It's immediately alerts me to either pay close attention or be prepared to offer an appropriate, supportive comment. Even though I have nooo idea what he just said or asked. Sometimes this will encourage him to elaborate or explain, giving me at least a basic understanding of what he's talking about or questioning. And it keeps me from going crazy. 🤣

My dad had all the behaviors that you describe and it was very hard on my mom. After diagnosis, she struggled over whether to disclose it to friends and family and neighbors. She eventually did to just about everyone, and it was a good thing for them. Some friends stepped up to drive him to appointments or pick him up for lunch as he could no longer drive.

He definitely fell back on repeating the same canned remarks over and over or else saying things totally unrelated to the conversation. Or sometimes, he would just snigger in response to a question or say something wildly inappropriate (juvenile profanity). After a lifetime together, it’s so hard to realize you can’t talk things over with them and expect the same kind of input you used to get.

I found it helpful to remind myself to expect it and he can’t help it. His brain is broken. He’s “covering” as best he can, sort of like if you are dog tired or woken up from a deep sleep and answer a call from a plumber or something. Except with him, the brain fog and confusion is only going to keep getting worse. It’s unsettling the way certain aspects of their personality remain but just seem like zombie behaviors, if that makes any sense. And with my dad, it seemed like more of his annoying traits were saved and exaggerated. Not all his good traits disappeared entirely, thank goodness.

As his dementia progressed, I found myself talking to my dad less, and saying things in shorter, simpler sentences, looking him right in the face.

Best wishes to you.

@kmliste, exactly. Until he developed dementia, my dad was a professor and department head overseeing dozens of people at a university and he published several scholarly monographs. I couldn’t believe my ears when he started in with silly toilet humor remarks. But he was also having car accidents after a lifetime of a perfect driving record (no fender benders and no speeding tickets) and also giving large sums of money away randomly and buying stocks because he thought the company names were amusing —after a lifetime of absolutely rigorous and disciplined investments in his retirement portfolio. He also started making occasional odd, confrontational remarks to strangers say in the grocery store.

It was all very sad and difficult. He passed in May 2024.

@svensk Thank you for your support and advice!

@topaz23 Those of us who deal with the behavior of a loved one who have sad and strange behavior realize they are unaware of their actions.
We love them anyway.

Thanks for sharing. So sorry for your loss.😥♥️

@svensk

As my husband’s dementia progressed, I found it helpful to ask myself, Am I dealing with (husband) or am I dealing with the disease? In a particular situation. The answer helped me choose the correct way to respond to avoid escalating a problem and kept me from blaming him for things he couldn’t help. It sounds silly but I imagined that there were now 2 different personalities living in one brain and I must handle both of them. This helped me cope.

Yes, coping this way makes so much sense. Sosnu times when someone is sick and grouchy, we say, "He isn't himself." It's no different with MCI or dementia. Just a different kind of illness.