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The Caregivers' Guilt Dumpster - Open for business
I titled this discussion with tongue-in-cheek, but only part way. As this caregivers discussion group has begun I have been struck by the number of times the word 'guilt' is used by us caregivers. It is unfortunate, understandable, unnecessary, and, to me, more often than not, unwarranted!
I believe 99% of our guilt is so unwarranted we caregivers need a place to get rid of it. This gave me an idea....
So here is our Caregivers' Guilt Dumpster! Feel free to check in, and make a deposit anytime you want! The dumpster is big, it has no weight limit, 24/7/365 availability (since we as caregivers often live on that same 24/7/365 schedule), no fees, and the lid is now open! 🙂
I'll start.
More often than not, I believe a person is thrust into a caregiving role. It seems to just happen and we answer the call for some variety of reasons. Those who adopt the nickname of 'caregiver' obviously have accepted our call.
As we each know, caregiving comes with no employee handbook, no job description, no timesheet to clock in and out, and an awfully slim benefits package. I likened my initial feelings as a caregiver to those I had the first time I jumped into the deep end of a swimming pool. In over my head and trying my best to just not drown.
In the 14 years I was my wife's primary caregiver I had loads and loads of feelings of guilt. Heck, sometimes I would feel guilt before I even did something because I was unsure of my ability to do what she needed. But, thankfully, we always seemed to manage. Not always the smoothest of managing, but we did get to say 'mission accomplished'.
Yes, the 'mission' at hand would get accomplished and sometimes I would be repaid with a smile and sometimes with a snarl. While the 'mission' got done -- however my feelings of guilt often did not end. To fight the guilt, I finally began to use a mantra/image to help me through the guilt. Before I would start, I'd close my eyes for a brief moment. When I would reopen them I would say to myself "Well, Scott, no one appeared in this room to take my place for this task, so all I can do is give it my best."
This did help. I still had some, but at least less, of the guilt. My reality now is too much of those feelings of guilt still nag at me and hang on my shoulders like a weight. So I leave it here. Now. Today. In the guilt dumpster!
Feel free to have at it!
Peace and strength to all caregivers!
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@lighthouse1, welcome. You're quite right that guilt seems to be the nature of the best with caregiver. I wish it weren't.
Are you caring for someone who has both Alzheimer's and Parkinson's?
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1 Reaction@lcl44 understand.
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1 Reaction@colleenyoung
Yes I am and somedays I can handle all of the crap and somedays I want to run away.
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6 ReactionsThanks for holding this space! Queen of guilt here!
I am the wife to my high school sweetheart and husband who has been living with chronic back pain throughout 14 of the 35 years we've been married.
As a caregiver, I mostly feel guilt for our kids. Our children were young at the time when this started and were raised through all the procedures, surgeries, therapy, medications, financial changes, relocating, healing cycles. For a younger family early on there were no internet and few resources or time in the day to navigate the system to help kids deal with loss, change, etc. on top of just living life. The guilt in not being able to "fix" things for all was huge. We kept hoping the "next thing" would make it better and we would get back to a sense of normalcy.
Just like that! They are all grown and adulting!
He just recently had a third spinal surgery and so the cycle starts again. We have walked through lots of good times and losses of all kinds in 35 years, but there is no beginning or end to this. It will be lifelong which took a long time to accept. We live a different daily life experience from anyone in our circle. The impact living in pain has on mental wellness compounds the challenges.
We all just need enough good days to carry us through the rest! Wishing you Peace!
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6 Reactions@gmanaenae If I might comment, maybe ease a bit of the “guilt in not being able to "fix" things for all? I grew up in a family that lived a daily life experience different from others. I developed skills that I would not have otherwise.
My younger sister was born with a disability that changed everything. But as a result I became self reliant, I learned that having stuff - more expense things didn’t make anyone happier, I became a problem solver and creative in how to get things done, I learned patience, and from example I learned what it meant to really care for someone.
I became an occupational therapist and I believe my experiences made me a better OT, and I love my work! It did take me until I was 40 to figure out that OT was what I wanted to do, what I would be good at. I mention that because the good that comes from all this is not necessarily apparent right away.
We live in a very chaotic world right now, there will be lots of changes in your children’s lifetime. I bet they are better prepared than most to deal with that.
If they haven’t told you lately, I’ll say it, Thanks for being a great mom!
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6 Reactions@cnutt
Im so sorry for the loss of your husband..
Were the brain bleeds from the kinsula treatment?
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