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The Caregivers' Guilt Dumpster - Open for business
I titled this discussion with tongue-in-cheek, but only part way. As this caregivers discussion group has begun I have been struck by the number of times the word 'guilt' is used by us caregivers. It is unfortunate, understandable, unnecessary, and, to me, more often than not, unwarranted!
I believe 99% of our guilt is so unwarranted we caregivers need a place to get rid of it. This gave me an idea....
So here is our Caregivers' Guilt Dumpster! Feel free to check in, and make a deposit anytime you want! The dumpster is big, it has no weight limit, 24/7/365 availability (since we as caregivers often live on that same 24/7/365 schedule), no fees, and the lid is now open! 🙂
I'll start.
More often than not, I believe a person is thrust into a caregiving role. It seems to just happen and we answer the call for some variety of reasons. Those who adopt the nickname of 'caregiver' obviously have accepted our call.
As we each know, caregiving comes with no employee handbook, no job description, no timesheet to clock in and out, and an awfully slim benefits package. I likened my initial feelings as a caregiver to those I had the first time I jumped into the deep end of a swimming pool. In over my head and trying my best to just not drown.
In the 14 years I was my wife's primary caregiver I had loads and loads of feelings of guilt. Heck, sometimes I would feel guilt before I even did something because I was unsure of my ability to do what she needed. But, thankfully, we always seemed to manage. Not always the smoothest of managing, but we did get to say 'mission accomplished'.
Yes, the 'mission' at hand would get accomplished and sometimes I would be repaid with a smile and sometimes with a snarl. While the 'mission' got done -- however my feelings of guilt often did not end. To fight the guilt, I finally began to use a mantra/image to help me through the guilt. Before I would start, I'd close my eyes for a brief moment. When I would reopen them I would say to myself "Well, Scott, no one appeared in this room to take my place for this task, so all I can do is give it my best."
This did help. I still had some, but at least less, of the guilt. My reality now is too much of those feelings of guilt still nag at me and hang on my shoulders like a weight. So I leave it here. Now. Today. In the guilt dumpster!
Feel free to have at it!
Peace and strength to all caregivers!
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@2will2 You are right when you say you are watching a daily decline…sometimes we are so close to the situation we don’t see the almost daily, weekly for sure changes. I have found that journaling helps a lot. I am amazed when I look back and compare where we were then as to where we are now. Thank you for your kind words.
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5 Reactions@kimne
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2 ReactionsMy sister would say that” guilt is a wasted emotion “. Perhaps, but it still eats at you. Since this caregiver journey started, I have lost my patience more than once. Yes, l know I am only human etc. but it makes one feel disappointed in oneself. Sounds like guilt. But you can’t undo it, you just try, pray to do better. I hope that my husband would do the same for me.
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8 Reactions@bendeb
Feeling guilt, disappointed in yourself only shows that you care. We have to realize that our spouses that we care for would not want to put us through what we’re going through, but unfortunately, they have no choice. Bottom liners that I’m also only a human and I do get annoyed and I do lose my patience. That’s a tough situation for them as well as us.
PAUL
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8 ReactionsGuilty because I know that I have nowhere near the caregiving problems that most of you have but here I am sitting next to my 85-year-old husband while he is starting to file our taxes for which we have applied for an extension. But first he has to file tax forms for the business which he has with our son that I have sworn to not get involved with up to this point … apart from providing my retirement income as the funding backstop. For richer, for poorer, what’s yours is mine, yaddah, yaddah …
So here he is typing everything in by hand to a form which I have found by Googling that he can generate from Quickbooks and then connect to TurboTax … but that is not the way he has always done it … and now why does the form not look the way it used to?
I want to SCREAM, and I’m fighting back tears. It’s a beautiful day outside, but I know any minute he is going to need something or mistype something that I can spot because he hasn’t… and I don’t see an end to this.
Thank you for letting me chuck this stuff in the dumpster!
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9 Reactions@lcl44 Sometimes we just have to let them do their thing and later we can try and fix it. They have to feel they still have a purpose too...
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6 Reactions@lcl44 I think it is good that he stillmwants to try to work on the task. Even if he does it wrong, you can hopefully, correct it, later. I think hisminitiative is important, thought I am not at all discounting your aggravation.
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2 ReactionsI feel guilty everyday.....but that is the nature of the beast of Alzheimer and Parkinsons. I didn't ask for this role but was thrust upon me. Some days I wonder why, and then go back to watching something useless on Netflix.
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2 ReactionsI feel guilty for resenting my siblings who have chosen to be willfully ignorant about Mom’s dementia. As soon as I start to voice Mom’s current dementia status and the daily care (I live with her 24/7) she deserves (I am doing my best) they get defensive and hostile. I resent them for being in denial about Mom’s cognitive decline. I feel guilty that Mom has anxiety based on fear of abandonment because of my siblings choosing to believe Mom is the same today as she was 1 year ago and that let’s them off the hook to make an effort to spend time with her. I feel better tossing this guilt into the dumpster.
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5 Reactions@dederickve I am glad that he is still doing these things because, honestly, I joined this group because I was noticing a general slowing in his mental acuity. Much slower on the computer, doing puzzles like Sodukus, etc. But he had done everything on the computer w.r.t our financial life and I really need to understand even though I still might not need to take it over. He is fine with me doing that, but I find that he still wants to do the work with me watching over … which is ok, but takes much more of our time!
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3 Reactions