To move near family or stay put

@reneerogahnthanig

I love your take on this tough issue.

What comes up for me now is how to deal with this in a compassionate way. The other is the realization that all of us take with us layer upon layer of family issues informing our behavior at every step unless we become aware of it driving our understanding, judgement, expectations, desire and disappointment.

@celia16
Very true statements. The world has changed so much over the decades I have been alive. As a child I remember visiting my grandparents almost weekly up until got married and had a family of my own. Then we visited our parents and occasionally the grandparents. As our life got busier and we moved away we still tried to get together with our parents weather permitting once every month or two. Then as our children grew it wasn’t even that often because they (the kids)had things to do
My point being life has become busier for everyone as the world evolves. Back in the old days families stayed closer together, there wasn’t a push to keep your kids in sports, dance, etc. you let them play and enjoy life.
Now families move miles even countries apart for jobs and kids are being shuttled from one thing to another so that they are always busy. No time for family and the kids now only know that way of living and are raising future generations the same way. Point - less well knit families and family time. Take what you can get and enjoy the time they spend with you

@reneerogahnthanig
I grew up with a stay at home mom. Her friends were all stay at home moms. My kids had a stay at home mom until they started school. These days both parents have to work to earn a living. Family life has changed drastically and dramatically since our time. Don't judge their lives against ours. It's comparing apples and oranges. It's unfair to expect more from our children than they are capable of giving. When they reach Friday night they are exhausted and needing a reset before the next week starts. They don't always get that because they need to spend time with their kids. Push for more and you will just push them away.

@kjoed53 that was exactly my point. Times have changed. We have to change with them. I have not pushed my kids or grandkids away. The only time I got upset was when year after year hockey came before family at Christmas which they wanted and still do host. When I finally let them know how we all felt (including his brothers and their families) they decided to pick a date faster and not wait on schedules to come out.

@reneerogahnthanig Interesting perspective, but still a matter of priorities.

My grandsons ' activities are very not intrusive, but my nieces' and nephews' experience with their kids is more intense. BUT the parents have taught them that family is a important, including extended family. Two years ago we had a post-Christmas gathering and the kids had hockey games. The parents came to the party, dispatching the oldest cousin to pick the others up after their game. The kids showed up cheerfully, filled their plates and visited with the adults before retiring to the "kid pod" (as they have been raised to do). It was delightful to hang out with them, and I didn't have to put away any leftovers.
My daughter and son-in-law, and nieces and nephews, are raising the kids to assist family and friends. When my own young grandsons are not enough for any task, a few text messages and pizza bring the muscle. And we get to catch up on their lives.

I know life is different now than 20-30-40-50 years ago. But it is not wrong to have expectations of our kids and grandkids, and to clearly and kindly express them. Along with thanks for visiting and helping, but without criticism of kids, parents, hairdo, diet...

@reneerogahnthanig Interesting perspective, but still a matter of priorities.

My grandsons ' activities are very not intrusive, but my nieces' and nephews' experience with their kids is more intense. BUT the parents have taught them that family is a important, including extended family. Two years ago we had a post-Christmas gathering and the kids had hockey games. The parents came to the party, dispatching the oldest cousin to pick the others up after their game. The kids showed up cheerfully, filled their plates and visited with the adults before retiring to the "kid pod" (as they have been raised to do). It was delightful to hang out with them, and I didn't have to put away any leftovers.
My daughter and son-in-law, and nieces and nephews, are raising the kids to assist family and friends. When my own young grandsons are not enough for any task, a few text messages and pizza bring the muscle. And we get to catch up on their lives.

I know life is different now than 20-30-40-50 years ago. But it is not wrong to have expectations of our kids and grandkids, and to clearly and kindly express them. Along with thanks for visiting and helping, but without criticism of kids, parents, hairdo, diet...

@sueinmn

I do understand where you are coming from Sue. It seems to me that part of the pain that people are expressing has to do with priorities also. That said, the question for me is whose priorities? And when do children who need clear expression of family values, family priorities, limits and boundaries as young ones at the family home get to that stage of development that helps them develop individuated selves, values and interests and lives expressing themselves with priorities of their own making.
Complicated dance in families.

@gravity3 Indeed it is a matter of whose priorities.
BUT - In my humble opinion, part of the breakdown in society we are seeing is when "priorities" begin and end with "me and mine", with little or no regard for others, whether family, neighbor or greater community.

How do we break the mold and teach people to care about others so we have a better society? My Dad used to say "Charity begins at home." I would expand that include compassion and empathy. Society urgently needs to establish this as a norm or it is going to collapse. It needs to begin with each of us expressing and modelling this to our own family, friends and community.

Almost every time I am with my daughter and her kids, she says one of these at least once:
It's not just about you and what you want. Maybe it is [brother's] turn to choose.
[Mom] is speaking to [Dad], please wait your turn.
You already have 2 weekly [sports, activities]. More would take away too much [family, study, leisure] time.
No screen time until you do your chore.

Instead parents are run ragged, go into debt, give up their social lives and extended family - and the kids learn life is "All about me." Just ask anyone who works in a school or coaches a sport.

PS I spend half of each year in a family-centric 95% Hispanic community. Elders, whether related or not, are respected. Families gather for any (or no) reason. Kids are comfortable with people of all ages, and teens are frequently seen tending grandparents in between school, sports, part-time jobs and hanging out with friends. All winter, younger people of all ages open doors, reach high shelves, load packages into my car, or offer to take my yard waste to the dumpster. If it happens in my north suburban home, it is almost always an Hispanic or Asian person who offers.