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Dying Well
Dying well is (hopefully) the last part of our efforts to age well.
As part of our life planning, we need to think about what dying well means for each of us.
And it is not easy to distinguish clearly between reasonably hopeful planning for our dying days and what is just “hoping for the best” while avoiding real preparation.
We need to recognize that at some point dying becomes something we cannot bargain with. It will eventually happen on its own terms.
It is reasonable to think about what we hope for, but then we need to ask “What can I do to increase my chances of dying as I hope?” and “What should I do to prepare for the possibility that things may not go as I hope?”
For those of us who are planning and making life/home adjustments to age in place, do we also hope to die in place? Do we also have plans if it turns out that dying in place is not possible? What are these plans?
I’ll share some personal things later, but will stop here for open ended responses.
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Reading everyone's posts, two things stand out for me : first, coming to terms with death and dying, and second, making sure you don't leave a mess behind. I was diagnosed with ALS last year, and so far am still independent and leading a full life, but I know that my time is limited. When my late husband died six years ago, he left behind an incredible mess. The children and I didn't even know what bank accounts he had! My husband had been a banker, so he handled all our finances - big mistake! It took my lovely adult daughter six months to sort everything out, and have the household functioning smoothly. When I was diagnosd with ALS, one of the first things I did was get all my paperwork done. First, of course, I updated my will. Then I put together the following legal documents : an Enduring Power of Attorney, an Advanced Care Directive, appointment of a Medical Decision Maker (which are legally binding) , and a list of My Wishes (which is not legally binding, but indicates things which are important to me, such as charitable donations and indicating which of my posessions
I would like to go to particular people.) I put all the original documents in a file - all my children know where it
is, so when things start to get serious all they have to do is pick up the file and all the informaion is there. I live in Australia, so some of these documents might have different names in other countries - ask your GP. It is NEVER too early to have your paperwork sorted - two months ago, my 36 year-old son had a stroke! Can you believe that? To cut a long story short, he recovered very quickly, and with follow-up treatment he has made a full recovery, and is already back at work.
As to coming to terms with dying yourself, that is something each of us has to come to terms with in our own way. If you follow a religion, then you will know what to expect. If not, then it is up to us individuals to think about our lives and come to understand that death is an inescapable part of life. Personally, I believe that each life has meaning, but we can't know more because we are only human beings, and we do not have the caacity to understand. We have to trust that we are part of an immense cycle of life, and we live on in our good acts and the genes we pass on to our children.
There is a koan (learned saying) which monks in the Rinzai sect of Zen Buddhism use for meditation :
"What was your original face, before your parents were born?" I am not at all worried about dying, only about suffering, and we now have VAD (Voluntary Assisted Dying) in all States of Australia, so that anyone with less than 12 months to live and suffering terrible symtoms from cancer, ALS and other life-ending conditions can ask for a medically assisted peaceful death if and when the time comes.
I believe that the thing we need to focus on when thinking about death is other people and our relatonships.
We can't take material things with us, but we can work on our relationships with partners, children, family and friends so that we can leave behind a legacy of love, to pass on to the next generation. Sorry if I have trod on any toes, @ellu
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10 Reactions@jayhart
My mom was special, even more special than any of us realized until she was gone. Regretfully, she celebrated her 100th and 101st birthday during the covid lockdown.
Maybe the next time you're all together, try to get everyone to talk about it. I'm not sure how to put this the right way, but maybe talk to mom about what would remind them of her when she is gone. Maybe wording it like I always remember you wearing that necklace/bracelet/ring for family occasions and every time I see that necklace/bracelet/ring I think of you and how special you are to all of us. Jewelry should be cherished for the memory it brings back rather than the monetary value. The same with other things. Maybe that would work but maybe not. I gave my mom a pearl necklace one Christmas and she left that to my daughter. If anyone gave your mom something, maybe leaving it to them makes sense. Sorry for the long comment. Hopefully you'll figure out something before you have to.
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6 Reactions@kjoed53 Thank you for your helpful suggestions. I think my mom would love hearing the memories we share!
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1 Reaction@jayhart
When the frail body is gone, the Spirit (it's a "real" thing) remains. We have receivers for it, if we recognize there is transmission, and "turn our receivers on."
When everyone gets together and "remembers" MANY receivers are turned on, and the "signal" becomes clearer and amplified.
Unfortunately, charlatans have corrupted this into money making bilking schemes. Think whoopi goldberg in Ghost.
(They did this too with our spiritual connection to God. Steve Martin in Leap of Faith)
If the Spirit we call on is loving and adoring, we feel it when we are "done." The Spirit "diffuses," but is not gone. Sometimes it blesses us on it's own, and we know it.
If we receive a Spirit who is hateful, (sometimes they intrude on their own!) , we feel it.
I am a skeptic stoic, but I have had too many of these experiences to ignore them.
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1 Reaction@kjoed53 Yes, I believe that those things others gave us should go back to those who gave them to us. Let them do what they want with it.
Sharing stories is so important for those of us that are left behind and find ourselves saying to ourself 'I wish I knew this or that" or "wonder why they did this or that". Further it helps us to understand so many things better about their reasons and the person.
Great suggestion.
Barbara
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1 ReactionYesterday we buried Cathy.
It was a “green” burial in the middle of a grassy field.
We finished her grave with handfuls of native seeds so that next spring her grave will blend in with all nature around her.
It was one of the most beautiful mornings of my life.
Family and closest friends gathered, ages 4 to 80+ years old.
Cathy was wrapped in a beautiful, simple shroud.
We told stories and sang songs, we cried and laughed, took turns holding a hand on her and saying good-bye, dropping flowers and love notes into the grave.
When it was time her family lowered her and we all worked hard shoveling the soil back into her grave.
It was unlike any other funeral I’ve attended.
We were all there, honestly, fully there.
We cried freely when we needed to cry, held hands and held each other.
And we sang and told stories and laughed.
There was something so good about shoveling the soil together, knowing we were putting her to her final rest.
Cathy faced her death honestly. Her concern was to leave the loves of her life in good order, taking good care of themselves.
Her death was beautiful.
She gave me something I can aspire toward.
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15 Reactions@ellu Thank you for your incredible summary you have captured for end of life planning and organization.
@edsutton
I'm so sorry, Ed, for the emptiness that you are likely feeling with the earthly loss of this special person.
You don't indicate who planned this beautiful time of sharing of grief and love, but this was truly a gift to you and to all on her behalf and in her honor. It's the kind of gift that God gives and doesn't always receive the credit for. May all of you also receive His comfort and care.
Barb
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2 Reactions@ess77 I am your son's age. My stepfather has recently had to go into longterm care and I completely understand your desire to remain in your home. Care is not what it used to be in most places.
I've also been helping my mother with the end of life planning that my stepfather refused to do for years because mortality was too much for him to face. I have big feelings around that refusal that I am still processing now that I fully understand the fallout.
The good news is that, because I am helping my mother, it just seems easier to get our own end of life legal planning done at the same time.
I keep telling her she's a great influence on us (my husband and I) and we're getting a lot of information and motivation we're using to get our own affairs in order . I know she feels bad that my stepfather left things so long.
I've bookmarked your post for motivation along the lines of streamlining my life, my possessions, and my living space. 🙂
We purchased our ranch home with an eye toward aging in place. Relatively minor modifications would make it wheelchair accessible.
But we still have too many possessions taking up space and requiring maintenance. I'm pretty sure our son (25) doesn't want 99% of it.
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5 Reactions@1995victoria
Is creatine proven to help muscle strength. I am 85!