Dying Well

I started this discussion because of the news that two of my neighbors had been diagnosed with lung cancer.
Margaret's cancer was treatable, and she is doing very well, probably in remission.
Cathy's cancer was not treatable. Yesterday she went into the last stage of dying, confused and struggling to breathe. One more adjustment of the medication will reduce her suffering.
Cathy was a good friend. She was not an easy friend, but she was very true. She was there when I needed her support. She was also there when we disagreed.
She home schooled two children and three grandchildren. Her adult children are self-employed, so they have been able to arrange their lives to be with her and their dad for the last several months.
There were still things she wanted to do before her death, but most got done. She was just 70 years old.
I walk past the house, I don't want to interrupt the family gathered around her.
There will be a community announcement when she dies.

@edsutton
So sorry that your friend Cathy has died Ed. And glad to hear that Margaret is in remission.
Be well. Stephanie

Dying well probably has a different meaning depending on your beliefs. If you believe in an afterlife, it is probably more acceptable. If you have unfinished business, then it's probably less acceptable. Some of us have advanced warning, while others go quickly. To me, dying well is doing everything possible to make it easier for those we leave behind. My mom made her funeral arrangements and prepaid about 10 years before she passed away at 101. When the time came, the only thing my sister and I had to do was meet with the funeral director, bring the dress she wished to be buried in, approve the casket and order the flowers. Her jewelry was distributed according to her written wishes. She didn't own any other property. Saying goodbye was difficult, but we didn't have to make major decisions under that stress.

It's tough to figure out when to start getting really prepared for the end. I'm almost 80 and I've been working to reduce my pile of stuff so that my wife and daughters won't have to fool with it. But I'm still using some of it😁

My father desperately clung to being cared for all the way to the end, which made the last 10 years of his life downright miserable for my step sister, the only one still left in the hometown. My father-in-law, I did the exact opposite of your mother. He left a train wreck of finances that were mostly driven by his fear of his 50-year-old stepchildren and outright cowardice. The result was that his son was completely cut out and his daughter, my wife, was left wondering why her father cared so little about her and her family. It was a lesson for us, though, and I have worked to leave a much neater situation for our two daughters.

@twday67 this good post can help others….when i heard I had a large aggressive tumor, I immediately saw my lawyer and the banks, etc. to make sure I didn’t leave a big mess…my POA fantastic and we got it done…as far as the stuff, I knew I couldn’t get around to it before surgery, so the lawyer said estate sale people can clear it out after close family have set aside a few things. Helped clear my head…by the way I’m still here 2 years later !

I found facing my not being here anymore, and then being here, getting a "new lease on life" (has happened several time makes me realize how foolish it was to take everything for granted, and feel entitled.
Ironically, death- facing - illness has made Life, for however long now, much better, meaningful, gratitudifying, and maybe loving. I 😡 was miswired for none of these things by a difficult childhood.

@shmerdloff
I pray that whoever reads what you have just posted may also learn to listen for truth with the ears of their heart. The realities you expressed, learned after the formative years of upbringing, are the kind of life lessons we all need. Thank you for sharing with us.

“To practice death is to practice freedom. A man who has learned how to die has unlearned how to be a slave.”

– Michel de Montaigne

@twday67 I am rewriting my legal paperwork another time after the family dynamics have changed due to their passing. Hopefully for the last rewrite since we are down to just a couple of direct family members left. I am also communicating why estranged family members, they removed themselves, have been left out of the Trust, a disinheritance clause and statement.

This is a quote I found while doing my paperwork and it is so true: "Get every little thing detailed and decided in advance and leaves no room for questions or lawsuits."

To me that also means explaining why one is being left out of a Will etc. No matter what time in life communication is so important. I'd rather know than not know and be left wondering for the rest of my life...why.
We experienced that type of situation with my Mom leaving my brother out of her Will, for good reasons, truly. I asked her to write a note to have with the Will however she decided to tell him and put him back in the Will. Guess what, it backfired on her and the rest of us siblings. As they say, "No good deed goes unpunished."
So, best to write the why in the legal paperwork.
Barbara

@kjoed53 You are so very fortunate that your mom thought ahead. I ask my 89-year-old mom to get her things in order and make a list of who gets what when she passes. Not only does she not want to talk about it, but she wants my siblings to come by her home after her funeral to "pick what they want". As a meticulous planner, this whole scenario drives me crazy, and I know how badly things can unravel when it comes to going through "possessions." Mom lives 4 miles from me and the rest of the kids are thousands of miles away.