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I realized last night that I likely will never be happy again.
I don't know why I am typing this. Why I started an account and am putting this put there. I don't expect the way I feel to ever change.
Last night was my daughters wedding. She was absolutely beautiful and the event went perfect. From beginning to end it could not have been better for my daughter and her now husband. I've never seen her so happy.
Her mother and myself divorced 20 years ago. Her mom remarried shortly after we divorced and they just recently celebrated their 18 year anniversary. Her husband really is a great guy. He has shown my children nothing but love and respect from day one. He views my children as his own, and I have zero doubts now that he loves them.
When I heard my exwife was getting remarried I was filled with tremendous dread and fear. The thought of losing the only thing I had left in life to live for, my children, to another father figure caused me anxiety I've never felt before.
I made a promise to myself when I first found out I was gonna be a parent that I would always put my kids welfare and happiness first. I was gonna be the dad I wished I had. I never felt my dad loved me as much as he loved the different girls he dated growing up, so I vowed to never date seriously again. My kids will never know how I felt as a kid. More than once I heard my parents say how important their own happiness is while never seeming to worry about mine. So I vowed that I will step on any landmine and smile if it meant my kids avoiding unnecessary heartache and pain. I'll give up happiness for a time if needed so my kids can have it. So I did. I encouraged my kids to love and respect their step-dad and mother. Even though I hated them both. Even if it meant I spent every night without them crying into my pillow alone. And in time my kids grew to love him as much as he loves them. Because that is what was best for them.
Leading up to my daughter's wedding it was made known in a subtle way that my daughter would love for her step dad to be just as much a part of the wedding as me. That meant sharing my first look of my daughter in her wedding dress with a man deep down I considered my ultimate rival. Walking her down the isle with me holding one arm and him holding the other. For her happiness.
I could tell in the moment how much it meant not only to my daughter but also her step dad, her mom, and every member of his family.
I was pulled to the side by most every attendee and told how beautiful the ceremony was and how proud of me they were for sharing the moment with him. I smiled, lied and said it was my pleasure. It wasn't a total lie, seeing how much he loves my kids, knowing they can count on him felt good in the moment.
That brings us to today. Today I'm filled with more depression and lack of wanting to continue another day on this planet more than ever before. I've always secretly been depressed. Of course I hide that from my kids and anyone who might tell them. I refuse to be a casue of them being sad. They must not know.
I realize now I will never truly be happy. I hate myself. I'm still here today because I've always told myself my kids truly need me. Nobody loves them like I do... I learned last night that is not true.
I'm not gonna do anything stupid. Obviously if I did it would destroy my kids happiness and zero chance I'm doing that. So... based on previous family members lifes. I may have 40 more years on this planet. 40 years to watch my grandchildren call him grandpa. 40 years of putting on a fake smile. 40 years of crying alone at night. Knowing I will never be happy again.
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@dfb
I have found nothing that fits your description of your first book. Who is the publisher?
This is a not-for-profit website. If you can help others through your book, there shouldn't be any conflict of interest, so at least tell us where we can find it. I don't recognize you from your picture. I have seen no advertising for a book written by someone of your status, a millionaire, a person of renown. Do you share custody with your wife. You should by law be allowed supervised visits. From what I can tell, you abused alcohol and cocaine during your marriage and later, psychiatric drugs prevented you from killing yourself. I think that is a good thing.
"He is loving and caring for that those I love and care for." I get confused. I thought you knew nothing about him. They are your children. Unless you are forbidden by law, you are entitled to know who it is who cares for them. Likewise, they are adults and they have a right to contact you if they wish, and you them, including sharing photographs.
You are mistaken on one fact.
I never abused drugs or alcohol I was sex trafficed for two years during which time I was drug constantly. Think Epstein for boys.
After that I never had a drink until my breakdown from psychiatric meds at 50.
Even then I didn’t abuse anything…I actually drank very little and took few drugs as nothing effected me because of the meds…all told I drank or did drugs at 50 for six months socially.
I have lived a lie for a long time to protect others.
I am not claiming anything I can not prove.
My choice to leave my children alone remains consistent with why I went to prison…I want them to have a life free of as much trauma as possible.
They know where to find me and soon I will be unavoidable.
I do not believe it is appropriate for me to discuss any of my published work here.
I can tell you everything you need to know in on simple statement.
Align ones body, mind, environment and most importantly spirit with what makes humans thrive. Everyone knows what that means, sometimes we just haven’t suffered enough to do it.
Simple but not easy. Learned that in AA.
Psychiatric medications are built on a nonsensical premise. Everyone will soon know the truth.
No pill can give anyone purpose, no amount of money, no intervention other than loving truth and support.
Few know this like I do.
The rest is capitalism at work.
Finding something to live for beyond the “self” seems to be the answer.
Blessing to you,
David
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1 ReactionI am amazed at your tremendous STRENGTH. All the things you have been doing proves it! I agree with @sue417 about the help she recommends. I would see if this can help you before I would "tell everything" to your family as suggested by the commentor, @mrmacabre.
God bless you 💖
There are so many good comments and suggestions here. Depression is a real disease- as well as loneliness.
Therapy is good but there are many modalities and you may need to meet with a few to find the right one.
Antidepressants-I'm not against those but they don't work for everyone. That was something I learned or was confirmed on my GeneSight testing.
You are important to your grown kids or daughter. She wouldn't have invited you to her wedding if that were not the case.
They are not little kids; it's okay to be real with them. It doesn't have to be too much all at once but in stages if you are hesitant.
Timing is important when you do open up to them. Even if you've disguised your depression, she may have picked up on it.
Easy to say and hard to do but is it worth hating her stepfather if he's been good to her?
Hate takes a lot of energy and it diverts us away from our "better" emotions. Again, easy to say...
If you have a passion for something in your life, follow that. It might not be work related but it can help ground you.
Self hatred is something we learn, I think. It doesn't come out of the blue. It can come from traumas in childhood or from your family at an early age.
I can imagine that you might not be in the mood to be social. Sometimes we have to step outside our comfort zone because choosing to be alone (too much) can be detrimental.
Choose carefully because feeling alone in a crowd is also awful. It just reinforces the desire to be alone too much.
It sounds like you're not "old" so I hope you can find something that can bring you out of this funk.
You have always been depressed and you may always have that inclination even when you get help.
It becomes a question of how to spot it and modify it; easy to say blah blah.
For myself, I try to catch it. I tend to look at the glass half empty too much but I (try) to counter it with something positive that makes the glass half full, or at least a third full.
But yeah, even when we do all that we will have bad days. Sometimes some small things can make a good day.
Treating someone else with compassion can go a long way. Treating the cashier or someone who may encounter a lot of rudeness with respect and courtesy-small things add up. Treating the homeless person as a person...you're smart and you get the idea.
But above all, take care of yourself!
Do things you might/can enjoy. You might not "enjoy" them at first but it's something that you can experiment with.
In my 20's I was quite alone, at least the second part of that decade. There were many Saturday nights when I would just do my artwork and that's something that still keeps me grounded whether or not I earn/earned money from it.
Friends are important. You don't need many. A couple of good friends is okay; no need to be a party animal.
For you it could be writing, just for yourself. Journals are good therapy as well. If you're athletic that's also good. Frankly I've never felt "better" after going to the gym but I know it's good for one.
I think something that can take you outside of yourself and the snakepit you're in can help.
Some twenty or so years ago I felt very hopeless and the doctor prescribed Ritalin which did help in the short term.
I stopped seeing him for other reasons.
The ADD meds have that benefit even if you aren't ADD/ADHD.
Recently I started taking Vyvance because I am ADD but it also helps my mood.
Meds like Ritalin and Adderall are difficult to get since there's been a shortage for the last four years although they can also help with mood.
I do believe in therapy but I also know from experience that's a question of finding a good fit.
If you've had trauma, and divorce is traumatic, see someone who can help with that as well as any other past traumas. Not all mental health professionals deal with that aspect.
I get impatient with the classical "tell me about your mother" therapy. That's me; it may work for others though.
And btw fathers are very important; we're no longer in the 1950's!
It's brave of you to be so open in your post. That in itself says a lot of positive things about you so I hope you can get rid of that self hatred voice in you.
Try to be kind to yourself. No, don't "try"-be kind to yourself.
I feel all this sounds quite superficial on my part. Old patterns are really tough to break.
"Easy to Say Syndrome".
I am sending lots of good wishes to you.
I am sorry! I meant to post my comment to another person.