Managing mental gymnastics: Ever feel your wellbeing may be at risk?

I do feel the way you do! Thankfully, not all the time, but definitely there are times when I am feeling like I am the one going crazy when I am trying to navigate a situation that doesn’t make sense (and never will due to his dying brain). He behaves in ways that are hurtful if I allow myself to take what he says and does personally, so I am working hard on “detachment” (hopefully in a healthy way) to help protect my heart and my feelings from his thoughtlessness and sometimes rude comments. I have to constantly remind myself that “it’s the disease, he can’t help it”, and remember that he is my patient and I am his caregiver. He can no longer be a “husband” to me in any traditional sense, we just happen to still be married. So I cannot expect any of the interactions that we shared over the years to be the way they were. I need to make decisions that ensure the best care for both him and myself in the situation we are in. Some of those he may not like and that’s just going to have to be okay even when it’s hard. I can’t have him influencing me to do things that aren’t in line with what’s best for both of us, because he isn’t competent to make decisions or solve problems anymore. It’s NOT easy. It means that sometimes I do things for my own well being and then have to face his wrath or displeasure because he doesn’t like that I took time for me, or thinks I should have included him. No amount of explaining or rationalizing ever makes it better, so I don’t go there anymore. I just take care of things, inform him of what’s happening and try not to get pulled into his negativity if it happens. Sometimes it’s fine and he is okay with it and the next time he isn’t, so I never know what to expect. It makes me feel like I’m never sure when I might step on a hidden land mine, which is stressful but I just try to persevere!
I have a caregiver coach who checks in on me every week through the GUIDE program and that is helpful-she is a great sounding board and can help validate that I am not the crazy one and that I am doing the right thing, and offer some additional suggestions in some cases. If your loved one is eligible for the GUIDE program, I recommend exploring that option for some additional caregiver help and resources.
All the best!

It’s hard, when living away back from everything. Not so many miles away, but in a sort of isolation. He doesn’t feel like getting out. I won’t leave him, except for absolutely necessary reasons. How can I find/do anything for myself ?

@dederickve yes I agree the isolation is one of the hardest things. But it does help to connect with community online. Just to feel less alone 🤗❤️

@gratia What you said about connecting with this group of people, online . . . Absolutely true that it’s a help, and a comfort. I have felt better, in my way, thinking ‘there are others going through this, so it isn’t just me ‘. Kind of selfish to think that way, but I don’t feel quite so alone, now.

@akela09 I appreciate that you cared enough that you responded to my post.
No. No family member would do it, give some time for me to get out and enjoy some time somewhere, else. They are busy doing their own thing. I doubt they would even think that I might like to . But, when I was in the hospital, myself, they came and took care of things, so I know I can count on that.

@dederickve It sounds like if you'd ask for assistance, your family members might agree. They will never know that you need help unless you bring up the topic.

@dederickve I don’t think it’s selfish at all. It’s really important to feel understood & seen. In this community, you can share something that’s really hard with other people who understand.
There are resources available that other people know about, and that can be helpful as well.
Even though each situation is unique, and there are different variables, we are all in this kind of strange dementia caregiving experience together.

I hope you’re doing well and enjoying your weekend where you can. I’m taking a little time off caregiving, and I didn’t realize how necessary it was.
It’s really important to take care of your own health and well being. 🤗❤️

@dederickve It sounds like if you'd ask for assistance, your family members might agree. They will never know that you need help unless you bring up the topic.