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My family and others thought I was terrible, turns out it was ADHD
Having undiagnosed ADHD until I was forty caused severe, lasting trauma and widespread damage. With Harvard and Radcliffe (Summa Cum Laude-with a photographic memory) graduates for parents, who worshipped at the feet of Education, with a preset, fixed, future role for their only son, they would release what practically mimicked a demonic assault on their only beloved son. Without warning by the age of 8, I became a "God-Damned, Son-of-a-Bitch, spoiled rotten, lazy, worthless, kid" for refusing to do my schoolwork. My entire family was jolted and sent railing for decades for my refusal to apply myself, to reject a Harvard education, a Rhodes Scholarship, completing my education at Oxford, eventually running a major corporation and finally winning the Presidency. They were devastated by me. I had unwittingly and singlehandedly nearly destroyed them. My ADHD left me bewildered, bruised, and confused with a lifelong need to hate myself. I figured, even as a young boy, if I only I could hate myself sufficiently, I would repent and become the man they intended. With enough self-hatred I could fashion myself in their image of what I was destined to become and at last relieve their suffering, their excessive drinking, shouting, accusing, fighting and their bitterness and tragic disappointment in their own lives.
I spent a decade sitting in classrooms without hearing the lessons taught, without reading the assignments, without following along in classroom discussions. No one recognized I was unable to attend to the daily demands of schooling. They did know that I was no good. In fact, I was evil. They made it clear how terrible I was hourly, daily, weekly, month by month, year by year.
One dose of Ritalin at 40 was proof--within 30 minutes--I wasn't to blame.
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I am so sorry to hear about the many issues you have had to confront, but a gold star for you for getting on top of the situation early and organizing essential support for him. I have a close friend who has a son in his 20's who has autism and a mental disability, and I have watched and tried to help her with the long, exhausting process of going from doctor to doctor and finally getting into place a good support team for her son.
I have 4 adult children, 3 with ADHD (diagnosed by a psychiatrist). They are taking medication, which has helped a lot, but are still working on strategies for coping with life. You will be happy to know that they all graduated from university, and are all now all employed in challenging but rewarding careers. Sure, they have some problems relating to other people, but they have managed to find dear friends who accept them for their differences. In fact
in my daughter's career some of the characteristics of ADHD ar actually useful and valued in her line of work! Have you been in touch with a U.S. organization calld ADDitude? They are
an organization specifically for people with ADHD, and they put out a quarterly magazine of real relevance and interesting articles on different topics about ADHD. At the moment they have a special offer of two for the cost of one subscriptions (print or digital) for under $20 U.S. I have given my children subscriptions as Christmas presents. I live in Australia, but they
will take subscriptions from all over the world. If nothing else, the articles will give you and your something to share and talk about, especially difficult issues. I am writing this on 21st
November, so I hope you see this post and it is useful to you. With fellow feeling, Ellu
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4 ReactionsI am so truly sorry that you’ve had to go through so much emotional turmoil, over the years! Nothing is worse for a child, than when they feel that they have been rejected by their own parents! i know, because I went through that, myself, starting at a very young sge! I was never accepted into the family, having 2 brothers, and 2 sisters. Now that I’m near 80 years old, and my parents have passed away, one would think that maybe I’d be accepted, and treated well, by a surviving brother and sister. I am accepted with reservations. That’s just the way it is!
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1 ReactionI have 4 adult children, 3 of whom have been diagnosed with ADHD (by a psychiatrist). I did not know until they were teenagers that they had problems, as they all did well in school, despite moodiness and sometimes difficult behaviour. All of them are taking medication now, and say that it has made a great difference to their lives, but it is also important to encourage them to take non-medical steps to continue to function well. Two of them see a psychologist regularly, and have learnt skills and strategies for coping with life. It sounds as if you have moved heaven and earth to get the best support possible for your son. I can't teach you anything more about dealing with ADHD, but I want to say you are doing wonderfully well dealing with your son. I admire your dedication and
support. Carers of people with ADHD often don't get recognition (somtimes they are blamed for it!). I just want to say that the most important thing for me has been keeping the lines of communication open. Congratulations on dealing with a challenging situation, and I hope things go well for you. All my children graduated from university and have interesting careers, so hold on to that hope for the future.
Ellu in Melbourne, Australia
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1 ReactionOH MY GOD! I am so so sorry to hear that story. Thank you for writing it. I know for a fact, it is going to affect sooo many people. I may approach one of my children with this story.
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1 ReactionWow, barely turned 65 and got my ADHD diagnosis, which I had only begun to suspect. It massively tilted my perspective on a lifetime of struggle and personal “failures”, my entire fraught relationship with my family, and feelings of disconnectedness with others. I have spent my life feeling as if the world was eating me alive, that in the Book Club of Life, I was reading The Bobbsey Twins, not realizing everyone else was reading Lord of the Flies.
I was treated quite harshly by my mother, and she modeled her intolerance and mockery of me to my siblings, who were eager to please her. How hard I worked for decade upon decade to fit in, how many hours I would spend journaling over 40 years trying to decipher their profoundly hurtful behaviour, how often I would crash and burn and pick myself up and resume trying to make myself a part of my own family. Until the switch simply flipped and I finally had nothing left for them. Deeply felt hurts had isolated me from other people, as well, and my once promising career path turned out to be somewhat convoluted and full of gaps.
Square One is a very humbling place. As I worked to rebuild my life, I tried to manage the crippling rejection from my family, and the enforced extra layer of isolation of the pandemic, and I found myself eventually in a dog park community where others wanted to know me. It was in this new social situation where I found that my long tradition of blurting out surprising and inappropriate things, my interruptions and poor impulse control, and agonizing later on about how I alienated others without meaning to, had grown worse and uncontrollable, and was affecting new friendships. So I sought help and am now working on the 5th week of Concerta.
I don’t feel any magic, and I’m not at all sure what a positive Concerta outcome should look like. I can best describe the last weeks as somehow containing more days where I am not riddled with anxiety or regret, when previously such days happened with sad infrequency. Maybe there is now the beginnings of a feeling of affirmation and self-worth. I think I am perhaps in a better position now to take steps to alleviate my profound loneliness. Not sure yet whether I shall have more (or less!) patience with people who have no patience for me and my slightly off manner.
Having lived my 65 years unknowingly with ADHD, I say that neurodiversity, like countless other visible or invisible trials/disabilities that people suffer, is VERY much about how others roll with any “difference” (what a loaded word!) they perceive in others, and how the most achingly small quirk can evoke a visceral reaction from insecure people. I have always felt empathy toward those who were marginalized and discredited, and maybe part of me always knew why.
Anyhoo, onward and upward. Brave new world, and all that. I am actually quite scared that the meds won’t help me and I will never feel anything other than very ill-equipped for life. God knows the SSRIs and other meds never helped. Wrapping my head around all this alternately lifts me up and dashes me to the rocks, and I suppose dwelling on the past is not a gainful activity. I hope Concerta means I can have a tidier house one day! Even if I never find my other half.
Sorry this post is so long — I’m still over sharing and perhaps need a higher dose, lol.