Damnable ADHD!

Posted by relieffrompain @relieffrompain, Nov 5 11:11am

Having undiagnosed ADHD until I was forty caused severe, lasting trauma and widespread damage. With Harvard and Radcliffe (Summa Cum Laude-with a photographic memory) graduates for parents, who worshipped at the feet of Education, with a preset, fixed, future role for their only son, they would release what practically mimicked a demonic assault on their only beloved son. Without warning by the age of 8, I became a "God-Damned, Son-of-a-Bitch, spoiled rotten, lazy, worthless, kid" for refusing to do my schoolwork. My entire family was jolted and sent railing for decades for my refusal to apply myself, to reject a Harvard education, a Rhodes Scholarship, completing my education at Oxford, eventually running a major corporation and finally winning the Presidency. They were devastated by me. I had unwittingly and singlehandedly nearly destroyed them. My ADHD left me bewildered, bruised, and confused with a lifelong need to hate myself. I figured, even as a young boy, if I only I could hate myself sufficiently, I would repent and become the man they intended. With enough self-hatred I could fashion myself in their image of what I was destined to become and at last relieve their suffering, their excessive drinking, shouting, accusing, fighting and their bitterness and tragic disappointment in their own lives.
I spent a decade sitting in classrooms without hearing the lessons taught, without reading the assignments, without following along in classroom discussions. No one recognized I was unable to attend to the daily demands of schooling. They did know that I was no good. In fact, I was evil. They made it clear how terrible I was hourly, daily, weekly, month by month, year by year.
One dose of Ritalin at 40 was proof--within 30 minutes--I wasn't to blame.

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ellu | @ellu | 5 days ago

In reply to @dlydailyhope "@relieffrompain I am so sorry for all you have been through and all who have experienced..." + (show)

@dlydailyhope

@relieffrompain
I am so sorry for all you have been through and all who have experienced what you have experienced.

My experience is as a mother of a child with ADHD. He is my only son and now 16. I am what they call “neurotypical” and my son is considered “neurodivergent.” I had my son when I was just about to turn 40 (struggled with infertility for years). He was “high maintenance” from the beginning. He didn’t sleep for the first 2 years of his life so work/parenting/home life was very stressful for me. My marriage became extremely stressful once my son was born for a variety of reasons. I knew something was off in my marriage but wasn’t sure what it was.

When my mother in law was showing signs of Alzheimer’s, I encouraged my then husband to get her evaluated and help. He was in denial and didn’t really do anything. I had her assessed and sure enough, she was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer’s! Since I was concerned for my son and genetics, I asked my then husband to get evaluated as a baseline since we were having so many marital problems that weren’t explained. He was diagnosed with anxiety and sleep deprivation and nothing else. He said to me, “see, I am normal/average!” He ignored my concerns for our marriage/family.

I decided to get divorced because things were so extremely stressful and my then husband was oblivious to any problem and would tell me, “sorry you feel that way!” My son was 3 and I did it to try to save what little sanity I had left. Fast forward to when my son was 7-8. He had 2 concussions and soon after he was diagnosed with ADHD (combined type attention and impulsivity). That explained a lot. I am thankful his 2nd and 3rd grade teachers were able to start to identify some of his struggles. His 4th grade teachers, despite a 504 plan, would call him out in class, belittle him, encourage other students to belittle him, and she once put him in the hall for “bad” behavior and forgot about him for an hour!!

Soon after, I decided to get him into a small private Christian school where he did much better. He went to that school 5th through 8th grade and now is in a private high school. He still struggles with attention, procrastination, planning, time management, impulsivity, strong negative emotions/anger at times, etc. but a good student. Many times he has been on the honors and high honors roll. I started him on medication in 4th grade and he has been on it ever since (currently taking 2 different types of ADHD medication). This has helped him at school and he gets much better grades on medication and I can’t imagine the struggles he would have without it.

After my son was diagnosed, my then ex husband finally went and got reassessed with a full psych evaluation and sure enough, he was diagnosed with ADHD!! This finally validated for me what affected our marriage and that I wasn’t crazy or imaging things. My son and his father both have anxiety and believe undiagnosed OCD and being on the autism spectrum due to sensory overload and struggles with social relationships/empathy and emotional regulation.

I did so much research and participated in ADDitude webinars to learn as much as I could about ADHD to support my son. His father is not really involved and limited in parenting plus I am my son’s sole provider. I have my own chronic health/pain issues and disability so this has been quite the challenge. I had a good career and have 3 degrees and thankful I saved/invested when I was young to help me manage financially today. What I realize now is that my son is hardwired the way he is and I need to support him to be the best HE can be and I cannot force anything on him. He is developmentally delayed and behind peers in many ways by 2-3 years. I may have wanted more for him but need to grieve my hopes and just love and support him no matter the path he takes in the future. He at least knows he is fully loved by me despite my frustrations at times, he knows his diagnosis and doesn’t feel shame for it but recognizes his differences/challenges, sees the value in taking his medication to help him focus at school and when doing anything important so he doesn’t get hurt. He gets regular counseling to talk to someone experienced with ADHD and other than me about how he is feeling to help support him.

I pray for him to be guided in what God’s plan is for him and his life and for me to know how best to love and help him. I admit I am very exhausted at times doing daily “scaffolding” until he can fully own things himself but I am all he has (I have no family so it is just him and me and very limited help from his father who I also think has early onset Alzheimer’s but he is in denial).

I am confident I have done everything possible to support my son and do the best I can on my own. He will struggle in a neurotypical world at times but he has awareness of the reasons for his struggles which is a better place to start than what his father started with (his parents were uneducated and hated doctors plus there was little know about ADHD at the time he was growing up).

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I am so sorry to hear about the many issues you have had to confront, but a gold star for you for getting on top of the situation early and organizing essential support for him. I have a close friend who has a son in his 20's who has autism and a mental disability, and I have watched and tried to help her with the long, exhausting process of going from doctor to doctor and finally getting into place a good support team for her son.
I have 4 adult children, 3 with ADHD (diagnosed by a psychiatrist). They are taking medication, which has helped a lot, but are still working on strategies for coping with life. You will be happy to know that they all graduated from university, and are all now all employed in challenging but rewarding careers. Sure, they have some problems relating to other people, but they have managed to find dear friends who accept them for their differences. In fact
in my daughter's career some of the characteristics of ADHD ar actually useful and valued in her line of work! Have you been in touch with a U.S. organization calld ADDitude? They are
an organization specifically for people with ADHD, and they put out a quarterly magazine of real relevance and interesting articles on different topics about ADHD. At the moment they have a special offer of two for the cost of one subscriptions (print or digital) for under $20 U.S. I have given my children subscriptions as Christmas presents. I live in Australia, but they
will take subscriptions from all over the world. If nothing else, the articles will give you and your something to share and talk about, especially difficult issues. I am writing this on 21st
November, so I hope you see this post and it is useful to you. With fellow feeling, Ellu

foundryrat743 | @foundryrat743 | 4 days ago

I am so truly sorry that you’ve had to go through so much emotional turmoil, over the years! Nothing is worse for a child, than when they feel that they have been rejected by their own parents! i know, because I went through that, myself, starting at a very young sge! I was never accepted into the family, having 2 brothers, and 2 sisters. Now that I’m near 80 years old, and my parents have passed away, one would think that maybe I’d be accepted, and treated well, by a surviving brother and sister. I am accepted with reservations. That’s just the way it is!

ellu | @ellu | 2 days ago

I have 4 adult children, 3 of whom have been diagnosed with ADHD (by a psychiatrist). I did not know until they were teenagers that they had problems, as they all did well in school, despite moodiness and sometimes difficult behaviour. All of them are taking medication now, and say that it has made a great difference to their lives, but it is also important to encourage them to take non-medical steps to continue to function well. Two of them see a psychologist regularly, and have learnt skills and strategies for coping with life. It sounds as if you have moved heaven and earth to get the best support possible for your son. I can't teach you anything more about dealing with ADHD, but I want to say you are doing wonderfully well dealing with your son. I admire your dedication and
support. Carers of people with ADHD often don't get recognition (somtimes they are blamed for it!). I just want to say that the most important thing for me has been keeping the lines of communication open. Congratulations on dealing with a challenging situation, and I hope things go well for you. All my children graduated from university and have interesting careers, so hold on to that hope for the future.
Ellu in Melbourne, Australia

kathymj | @kathymj | 1 day ago

OH MY GOD! I am so so sorry to hear that story. Thank you for writing it. I know for a fact, it is going to affect sooo many people. I may approach one of my children with this story.