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Is it ok to feel angry?

Posted by Gratia @gratia, Jun 17 5:00pm

Venting. Here it comes again, the anger. It arrives in slow waves. Anger at my mother for not being more proactive about her life choices. Anger at dementia. Anger and frustration at the medical system. Anger that I’m losing sleep and exhausted all the time & above all, angry that I lost my job and the life I built due to her disease and slow decline.

And then I get angry at the deep guilt I experience because I feel angry!

I try to take deep breath and be in the moment. It’s a game of constantly reframing how I see this. I keep repeating to myself the word “acceptance”.

How do you cope if you experience these difficult emotions?

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Caregivers: Dementia Support Group.

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shmerdloff | @shmerdloff | Jun 30 9:20pm
In reply to @shmerdloff "@georgescraftjr Awwww☹️ death. I always stay to the end of the movie. OCD keeps me living...." + (show)
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@georgescraftjr
Awwww☹️ death. I always stay to the end of the movie. OCD keeps me living.
If woody allen can bear it, so can I.

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Van Morrison
It's non attachment non attachment non attachment now I'm in the here and now, meditating. Still I'm suffer'n, well that's my problem. Enlightenment ? Don't know what it is.

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shmerdloff | @shmerdloff | Jun 30 9:23pm
In reply to @shmerdloff "Van Morrison It's non attachment non attachment non attachment now I'm in the here and now,..." + (show)
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Van Morrison
It's non attachment non attachment non attachment now I'm in the here and now, meditating. Still I'm suffer'n, well that's my problem. Enlightenment ? Don't know what it is.

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BEE GEES
Then I fell out of bed hitting my head on things that I said.

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trishaanderson | @trishaanderson | Jul 1 6:48am
In reply to @gratia "@kjc48 @georgescraftjr I’m having Cabernet in a coffee cup! It’s the little things. Cheers my virtual..." + (show)
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@kjc48 @georgescraftjr I’m having Cabernet in a coffee cup! It’s the little things. Cheers my virtual pals. 🍷

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@gratia I love it!
There's a man at a restaurant we frequent who drinks his wine out of a coffee cup, so no one knows his drinking wine.

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shmerdloff | @shmerdloff | Jul 1 7:33am
In reply to @shmerdloff "@georgescraftjr Awwww☹️ death. I always stay to the end of the movie. OCD keeps me living...." + (show)
Profile picture for shmerdloff @shmerdloff

@georgescraftjr
Awwww☹️ death. I always stay to the end of the movie. OCD keeps me living.
If woody allen can bear it, so can I.

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Hi dibamos
Yeats got it before Cohen. We are on this site 'cause our bubbles have burst, and we are struggling with reality - or is it?
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Gratia | @gratia | Jul 1 7:39am
In reply to @trishaanderson "@gratia I love it! There's a man at a restaurant we frequent who drinks his wine..." + (show)
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@gratia I love it!
There's a man at a restaurant we frequent who drinks his wine out of a coffee cup, so no one knows his drinking wine.

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@trishaanderson A friend told me her father (90’s and sharp as a tack), carries a can of Ensure full of wine when they go out to eat! lol.

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judimahoney | @judimahoney | Jul 1 8:14am
In reply to @georgescraftjr "@judimahoney We girls are going to have a "slumber party"--virtual or real--when "the long trick's over"--John..." + (show)
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@judimahoney

We girls are going to have a "slumber party"--virtual or real--when "the long trick's over"--John Masefield (assuming we caregivers will be the "last man[/woman] standing").

George's Wife

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@georgescraftjr
I'll bring some junk food to our slumber party (pity party?).
🥨🍕🍿🍨🍩🍰🍫🍦🍟🍪🧁

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judimahoney | @judimahoney | Jul 1 8:18am
In reply to @georgescraftjr "@judimahoney It's okay to lose your temper, which is one of the few outlets for us..." + (show)
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@judimahoney

It's okay to lose your temper, which is one of the few outlets for us caregivers--especially when the days of screaming in ecstasy is but a passing memory, and a new dawn is welcomed not by tender caresses but by checking Mayo Clinic Connect posts:


Hang in there. As Karla says, "We can do it!"

Love and prayers,

George's Wife

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@georgescraftjr
I love that song, especially when Barbra Streisand sings it; what range!

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shmerdloff | @shmerdloff | Jul 2 4:38pm
In reply to @shmerdloff "To begin means there will be sn end. Who knows what the end will be. I..." + (show)
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To begin means there will be sn end. Who knows what the end will be. I won't get a dog, mainly for the reason I will love it, and probably outlive it(?). I don't want that sadness. Or if it outlives me. I'd have to say goodbye, wonder who will take care of it, and feel like I "Let him down" by leaving. So, no dog
But you can't apply this to a life. We commit. We invest. We enjoy. We connect. We love. We LIVE.
Living takes courage because (we know) things will end. (Painful things too) . The Hero's Journey.
A few things: If we have not thrown ouselves into Life, our Life, we haven't lived. We'd have no memories (which also fade and disappear to yhr default state of glorious nothingness (A blank page or canvass).
Life would miss the MEANING we bring to it, and the meaning it gives back to us.
But we have the gift of NOW. Embrace it. Relish it, because as Monty Python says "It's not now. It's gone. Oh wait! NOW? No that's gone too."
If I am with the person I love, or not love, this is our now. It may not be what my ego wants, but it is what it is.

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🙂

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sillyblone | @sillyblone | Jul 2 5:05pm

You cry, you will get angry! Not necessarily on purpose, but we are human! I have wonderful friends and cousins that listen and will give great advice! Cut yourself some grace! Being perfect is not possible! Just let her know you love her! You will end up with the what if syndrome! I made that up as I felt so isolated and fearful near the end! Love yourself and just go in a room and cry or scream in a pillow! Advice from a lady who cares and gets it!!

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sillyblone | @sillyblone | Jul 2 5:08pm
In reply to @kjc48 "Of course, it's okay to feel anger BUT anger itself is mentally and physically exhausting -..." + (show)
Profile picture for kjc48 @kjc48

Of course, it's okay to feel anger BUT anger itself is mentally and physically exhausting - and doesn't give you the mindset or stamina to take on another day. Choose to believe that a better outcome is possible. Focus on some direction to get there. Which means, we have to accept that we can't get there alone. Say yes to help! even if it's one or two afternoons a week. Then break away, step outside and immerse yourself in the nature you love. Do Meals on Wheels for your mother if you don't have time to cook, find ways to lighten your load and simplify. That's what I'm trying to do, every day. I was angry at my mother, too for her life choices. But we can't control the choices they made. Don't be angry with her disease. There isn't much we can do about our loved one's disease. But you can take subtle control of the situation, slow down, and determine what few things will make your life easier. If you got help, can you work one day a week just to move to a different venue, perhaps, a quieter, calmer space. Caregiving is emotional. I think we have to learn how to navigate this journey of the unknown, while trying to accept/change how heavy it always feels. I'm not at the getting help stage with my husband, but when I get there, I know I will reach out for help. God doesn't want us to do this alone.....he has care-angels that are "Waiting in the Wings" to help. We just need to call on them. Best, Karla

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@kjc48 Great advice!!

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