Do most people really want to know how you're Really doing?

Posted by fritzo @fritzo, Jun 20 7:03pm

OK, I'm doing it again. Thought Hans brought up some good points about how most people who know you have cancer actually don't really want to know how you're doing...they want the heroic answer that makes them feel better.

He has some retorts to the question that probably do trigger people. It reminds me of my son-in-law, who when people asked how he was doing, would say with great intensely, "Great!" The catch was that you didn't know if he meant great in a positive way or meant it sarcastically. It would definitely would stop you for a second.

Anyway....another link to Hans column and a graph from it....

“The truth, I have come to believe, is that much of illness in modern society is performative. We have collectively agreed that sick people should remain inspirational because actual suffering makes everybody terribly uncomfortable. Nobody wants honest illness. People claim they admire bravery, but what they really admire is tidy suffering, suffering that smiles politely, expresses gratitude, posts optimistic updates on social media, and generally avoids introducing unpleasant realism into brunch conversations.”

The Curious Performance of Being Fine
https://open.substack.com/pub/nutmegphantasy/p/the-curious-performance-of-being-dbf

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Prostate Cancer Support Group.

fritzo | @fritzo | Jun 21 1:24pm

In reply to @bajjerfan "@fritzo Checker, would you like your milk in a sack? Shopper, no I want it in..." + (show)

@bajjerfan Hah! Why do grocery store workers ask shoppers if they want paper or plastic? 'Cause baggers can't be choosers.

fritzo | @fritzo | Jun 21 1:26pm

In reply to @northoftheborder "I think most acquaintances are genuinely sad that you have cancer, and would be happy to..." + (show)

@northoftheborder I agree....it has made me rethink my own behavior toward others in strife. I haven't been a bad guy and always caring...but I realize I could do more. I will in the future.

grandmira | @grandmira | Jun 21 1:39pm

I would suggest that people who “brush off” illness in others are really pandering to their own fears of illness, a very human reaction. However is it not said ,” to love thy neighbour as thyself”, it surely doesn’t reflect care and concern, which we should all express to those suffering physical or any other human condition that causes that person to suffer. Showing concern is just a reflection of our desire to sympathize with conditions that could afflict any of us at any time. A word of kindness can make a world of difference to those suffering.

northoftheborder | @northoftheborder | Jun 21 3:07pm

When I finally got home from hospital in 2022, still in a wheelchair and with a then-pessimistic life expectancy, I wrote 7 daily meditations to pop up on my phone throughout the week. They're still there. Here's my Thursday meditation:

"It's not always about you and your illness."

My cancer hit so suddenly and so hard, my family put everything on hold, and I'd been surrounded by doctors and nurses rushing in and out for so long, it was important to remind myself that that's not normal or sustainable. My life was permanently changed, but even the people closest to me needed to take their fingers off the pause button and start living their own lives again.

It didn't mean that I stopped asking for (and getting) support, or that I stopped talking about my cancer and disability; it just meant that my cancer didn't have to be the topic of *every* conversation or the centre of attention in the room *all* the time. It's definitely an adjustment, realising that something so important to you doesn't loom as big in everyone else's life, but I think it's an important step towards learning to live with cancer.

jim18 | @jim18 | Jun 21 7:14pm

In reply to @fritzo "@dpayton I've caught myself spilling the beans too. Then, I think that in most cases I..." + (show)

@fritzo Smart move. In most places that would put you near the top of the layoff list. HIPPA prevents your management from knowing much about treatment even if using work insurance to pay for it.

thig350 | @thig350 | Jun 21 11:11pm

Well, in my opinion, most folks beyond a spouse, child etc. are not particularly concerned about how one is doing when dealing with prostate cancer. It is an uncomfortable topic. I keep it close to the vest and do not share my diagnosis with everyone. Family, yes. Close reliable friends, yes. Beyond that, nope. I think people think that prostate cancer is a disease that "other people get." That is part of the problem so when someone close gets it, it seems to get weird fast.

chippydoo | @chippydoo | Jun 22 5:52am

In reply to @tomf "My biggest surprise/disappointment was that close friends didn't do any research on their own into my..." + (show)

@tomf I view expectations as a set up. Perhaps it requires people to look at their own mortality which most of us don't want to do. Why didn't you help your wife get lucky that evening? More than one way to bring a smile to her face.

lsk1000 | @lsk1000 | Jun 22 7:38am

For the most part, I view issues about health similar to money. The less said the better. Who ought to know all the sordid details? Me, my wife and I. Parents and siblings get a summary. Friends get a brief glimpse; they don’t really know how bad things were or could be, and I avoid mentioning it when we get together. My goal is to bury my health issues and have them view me as healthy. I don’t want to be stigmatized. Does anyone but my wife know I’m incontinent and wear a clamp and pads? Hell No! Does anyone know I’m impotent? Hell No! If asked how I’m doing…..I’m doing “fine” when I’m honestly doing fine.

FYI: It should come as no surprise I didn’t relate to the Hans article. He seems bitter and far too focused on his illness.

jayhall | @jayhall | Jun 22 8:21am

My standard answer is "I'm not dead yet".

TurtBean | @turtbean | Jun 22 8:33am

I know we all have different philosophies regarding sharing. I tend to overshare, specifically to address the stigma that’s associated with it.

Everyone I know, if they ask and I have the time, gets a complete rundown of my bladder habits, sexual function, and whatever else is or will be going on (I’m fortunate right now in that all I’m dealing with is incontinence and ED).

My feeling is, if I’m hiding it, I’m feeding that Shame Monster. There should be nothing to be embarrassed about in having to wear “protective undergarments” - my niece, who routinely works with older folks in her job as a geriatric studies professor, taught me that phrase: “Don’t say diapers! You’re not a baby!” Gotta love her!

I own it. My family knows, my coworkers know. HR knows. My neighbors know. Hell, my hair stylist knows (and she’s been a rock of support, believe it or not). I’m loud and proud about it.