Do most people really want to know how you're Really doing?

Posted by fritzo @fritzo, Jun 20 7:03pm

OK, I'm doing it again. Thought Hans brought up some good points about how most people who know you have cancer actually don't really want to know how you're doing...they want the heroic answer that makes them feel better.

He has some retorts to the question that probably do trigger people. It reminds me of my son-in-law, who when people asked how he was doing, would say with great intensely, "Great!" The catch was that you didn't know if he meant great in a positive way or meant it sarcastically. It would definitely would stop you for a second.

Anyway....another link to Hans column and a graph from it....

“The truth, I have come to believe, is that much of illness in modern society is performative. We have collectively agreed that sick people should remain inspirational because actual suffering makes everybody terribly uncomfortable. Nobody wants honest illness. People claim they admire bravery, but what they really admire is tidy suffering, suffering that smiles politely, expresses gratitude, posts optimistic updates on social media, and generally avoids introducing unpleasant realism into brunch conversations.”

The Curious Performance of Being Fine
https://open.substack.com/pub/nutmegphantasy/p/the-curious-performance-of-being-dbf

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guybe | @guybe | Jun 21 8:40am

I've told some relatives and a few friends (on a need-to-know basis) about my diagnosis and treatment. When they've later asked "How are you doing?", I tell them the truth (which isn't horrible because I've been handling the expected ADT side effects pretty well). Once I've told that truth, I get one of two reactions: 1) They don't ask again. Maybe they're mildly freaked out for a moment, but anyway, we go back to normal, and it never comes up again. Or 2) They do ask again, and I give them a short update. In the second case, I think it reflects actual interest or concern, so I respect those people by taking their question at face value. No drama or discomfort either way.

lag | @lag | Jun 21 8:48am

Sorry to say that I have always avoided Hans on purpose and was relieved when he moved his posts elsewhere.

northoftheborder | @northoftheborder | Jun 21 9:19am

In reply to @lag "Sorry to say that I have always avoided Hans on purpose and was relieved when he..." + (show)

@lag I liked Hans, but I could see how hard he was flailing against the change in his life. The fact that he expressed it as generalised bitterness and sarcasm against the medical community and the world in general didn't work for me, but if it helped him through that difficult first year after a diagnosis, that's the important thing. ❤️

fritzo | @fritzo | Jun 21 9:33am

In reply to @lag "Sorry to say that I have always avoided Hans on purpose and was relieved when he..." + (show)

@lag Oh, I completely understand. He has strong opinions and appears to be absolute in how he expresses them. I think we all learn to find spaces where we can avoid unnecessary stress.

I find his dark humor on this subject a welcome break from the conventional, but I'm a bit mutant that way.

I also have heard but don't know myself that he caused some mayhem on this board and got booted. I'm sure there is wreckage.

fritzo | @fritzo | Jun 21 9:37am

In reply to @guybe "I've told some relatives and a few friends (on a need-to-know basis) about my diagnosis and..." + (show)

@guybe I've had similar experiences. I think for a lot of people, it freaks them out and they either don't know what to say to help or they are freaked out enough that they need to go back to their happy place.

Short version: I think people have different levels of empathy. For those who don't have much, I really don't want their fake concern. For those who are empathetic, I only rely on a few trusted friends. But, that's just me. I know some folks tell everyone. All good in my book.

fritzo | @fritzo | Jun 21 9:40am

In reply to @turtbean "Generally, the closer they are to you, the more they genuinely want to know. I just..." + (show)

@turtbean Oh, that's so on target! Yeah, there totally is the group where it's like talking about the weather. They definitely don't want you to get real.

Taking PCa out, It's like the pretty common habit of passing someone in the hallway and they saying, "How you doin?" Nobody stops to really find out....it's just a greeting which I always think is pretty awkward, sick or not.

fritzo | @fritzo | Jun 21 9:42am

In reply to @heavyphil "My pat answer, while showing surprise verging on alarm, is always the same: “WHY??! What did..." + (show)

@heavyphil That's hilarious! Love that

(in Hans column, he mentions as an unrelated example of him being disruptive to social norms, how when people ask how he takes his coffee ...he would say, "Orally." Had to laugh

bajjerfan | @bajjerfan | Jun 21 9:53am

In reply to @fritzo "@heavyphil That's hilarious! Love that (in Hans column, he mentions as an unrelated example of him..." + (show)

@fritzo
Checker, would you like your milk in a sack?
Shopper, no I want it in the jug.

dpayton | @dpayton | Jun 21 10:12am

In reply to @fritzo "@guybe I've had similar experiences. I think for a lot of people, it freaks them out..." + (show)

@fritzo
I tend to "spill the beans" more times than I should. I think part of that might be if I can help someone else going through this then HECK yeah. Everyone is different and we have to be ok with that or we'll drive ourselves nuts! haha

fritzo | @fritzo | Jun 21 1:23pm

In reply to @dpayton "@fritzo I tend to "spill the beans" more times than I should. I think part of..." + (show)

@dpayton I've caught myself spilling the beans too. Then, I think that in most cases I shouldn't.

Just FYI: I have not told anyone at work because I do not want them to put me on a shelf because of the C word. My co-workers are all in their 30s and would not understand that this is all treatable. It's a work dynamic I'm navigating. My last job, I would have been totally open.

As far as friends and family, yeah, I tell 'em.