Connect
Dealing with a Relationship that has Become Toxic
My relationship which is an engagement has become toxic. He has become officially verbally and emotionally abusive and used gaslighting. I am a trauma survivor as well. I am also new to this group and a retired RN but there are so many red flags here beyond what I just mentioned especially during a pandemic and very unstable geo political situation. I have a plan already. Any advice is appreciated. Thank you.Abuse is never the quote unquote victims fault . Yes I am also a survivor of domestic violence. My ACE score is 4.
Like
Helpful
HugInterested in more discussions like this? Go to the Depression & Anxiety Support Group.
Connect
@ashlynnmae
It's better to not label myself as abusive because I'm not that or because it's not good to call yourself that?
I just can't get over his friends.
@ehdog
Because you're not abusive. I went back over it and realized I missed part of what you said. His friends...Did he actually explain the situation to them? Because from what you described, they’re saying things without the full context. I wouldn’t take what they said seriously.
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
1 Reaction@ashlynnmae
He didn't. I heard everything. He just threw me under the bus and said "I was going through a lot" and that it thought I was pregnant and was panicked. He didn't share why, it was because he finished in me when I said no. He didn't mean to so I don't totally blame him.
He didn't say he wouldn't leave my room
He didn't explain the shopping thing.
Nothing like that.
@ehdog
He left out a lot of important parts, like not respecting your no, not leaving when you asked, and not explaining what actually led up to your reaction. So yeah, his friends are reacting to an incomplete version of events, and of course that’s going to make it look like you’re the problem when they don’t have the full context.
And even if he didn’t mean to finish inside you, that’s still a serious consent issue that needed to be taken seriously and acknowledged properly.
With everything you’ve described, it makes sense that you’ve react strongly at times. That doesn’t make you abusive. I don’t like using that word here, but if anything, he is abusive. It’s a good thing he’s trying to change.
As for his friends, no, they don’t have enough context to fairly judge what happened.
@ashlynnmae
I feel like I'm using his actions as an excuse to be abusive though
@ehdog
I get why you’re worried about that, especially since you tend to jump to harsh conclusions about yourself when you’re stressed.
Two things can be true at the same time: his past behavior is why you react so strongly now, and you can still work on how you respond when you get triggered.
The second part is harder, and he also needs to keep working on his side of things so it’s easier for you and less triggering overall.
This isn’t about excusing potential abuse. It’s about cause and effect. What you’re describing sounds more like: “I don’t like how I react, and I’m trying to understand why it happens,” which isn’t abuse but awareness and accountability.
A more helpful way to think about it is: “My triggers make sense based on my past and current situation.” “My reactions are still something I can learn to manage better.” “Both of us need to work on things.”
Have you gone for counseling? I would strongly suggest that.
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
1 ReactionHave you considered couples counseling? You can find a counselor who will do it online. My daughter and son-in-law are currently doing this over zoom. Any qualified counselor might be able to teach you both better ways to communicate with each other.
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
1 Reaction