Vanishing Friends

@gratia: Don’t take offense to those “friends” who have slivered into oblivion… it’s just that if you are not “seen” you don’t come to mind. Their lives have remained relatively stable, while your life has taken on needed responsibilities and direction.
While you are at the park giving you both some needed change of scenery, be on the look-out for interesting people to pass the time of day with. There are many new friends out there for you to interact with. We can’t change our circumstances but we can adapt and find happiness in so much of life! Find ways to put laughter and happiness into most days.
Best to you…

It's not just you.

After my stroke, at last half of the people I told about it never responded. And I mean *never*.

Since then, I've gained a couple of new friends, and lost a few old ones.

Not that I ever had very many.

Sometimes it's a relief, even if a little sad.

Good morning, @gratia I'm Scott, and from my experiences, I know you are not alone in this 'phenomenon'. I was my wife's caregiver for her 14+ year journey and experienced similar events. I was fired from my job because a new, young boss said she "didn't want anyone on her team who wasn't job focused 100% of the time." (Karma - she has since been fired for poor performance.)

Early in our journey, a friend of our daughter, who had lost her mom, told her, "You'll be surprised at two things. First, how many friends ghost you, and second who the very few are who stick with you." Totally true for us. Friends of 40+ years simply vanished. The couple who were our best friends have still never acknowledged to me that my wife died. We had two who resurfaced in our lives and were wonderful. An elementary school friend of my wife's who reappeared after decades, and an old work colleague of mine.

These losses and the isolation of full-time caregiving are what drove me to find Connect.

The community of Connect was a lifeline and a great source of support for me -- especially in the lowest of my times.

Strength, Courage, & Peace

Yes, unfortunately it happens. We are not as available for social outings and gatherings as we were in the past and I feel like our friends are uncomfortable when trying to converse with my husband which I am sure makes him uncomfortable…so outside of church gatherings we avoid that. I have a small group of friends that do lunch about once a month and they try to schedule on one of my husband’s Respite days so that I can join them. I look forward to those times.
I am thankful for my new friends on Mayo Connect… I look forward to reading their comments everyday. They always show up when I need them the most!😊

The issue with lost friends is a sad and confusing one. Especially when all people need and want is a little love, connection, and someone's time. I live in a gated community where it's interesting to see, how people treat the whole issue of 'mortality' with or without a life altering disease. They turn the other cheek. They don't want to acknowledge those things that come with "aging" and/or a life altering disease. I even see it with our adult children and my husband's sister and brother. They stay away from my husband's MCI, don't call as often. When they do, it's a surface text, nothing that gets to the core of what's going on, or any "emotional" connection. I know they love us, it's just how they deal. I know my high school buddy, cares about us. However, for whatever reason, on the phone, she doesn't acknowledge my husband's MCI or want to "emotionally connect" and relate to what I'm dealing with as a caregiver, yet she's going through it with another friend and her husband's late-stage dementia. Something she's clearly emotionally invested in that she talks about constantly when I do talk to her. Living in a transient area makes it tougher, as neighbors/friends go in and out, get to know you and then they're gone. I find, at this stage of our life, there's no one that can better identify what we're going through than the good supportive extended family here on this site. The sun shines down on us this beautiful Sunday morning. Sending, love, hope and connection. Best, Karla

In general we see less of our friends. We haven’t told our friends about my husband’s MCI but most of our friends, who are in their late 70s and early 80s, are dealing with all kinds of medical issues. Some of them also complain often about memory loss. I can’t believe that the people my husband spends the most time with don’t see that something is going on but no one has mentioned it.

I have one friend whose husband is also experiencing cognitive issues. I noticed what was happening about a year ago when we all went out to lunch. I reached out to my friend and told her what was going on with my husband and asked what was going on with her husband. We now talk frequently and openly about how we are managing and that is a great help.

It’s definitely not just you @gratia. I have experienced this loss of friends syndrome. I actually have found it to be a major shift. I stopped working in 2024 to care for my husband, retiring at 60 instead of the federally suggested 67 1/2. A few of the work friends that I had occasionally reach out via text end even less occasionally we will meet for lunch when I can leave my husband for a couple of hours. Couples we were once friends with, and even some of our family have all but disappeared. I tend to believe that they don’t know what to say or how to interact in this new unknown dementia situation. In contrast, I have a few family members and friends who are also now retired, that have renewed and deepened old relationships. So while I have much less “quantity” of friends, the few that I do have are much deeper, and that has definitely helped me. Perhaps some of this is what would have occurred when I retired anyway, but I don’t know. I think what I miss the most is the opportunity to socialize as a couple with other couples. It just is too awkward to even have a couple over for dinner when one of the four can’t engage in meaningful conversations, play a card game or interact the way they used to. It’s sad, but that part of our life is over now.
We go to community events when we can, where we have opportunities to connect with our neighbors and make new acquaintances in town. Because we live in a very small town in a remote area, we know a lot of the people and they are always kind and offer support which I appreciate. Luckily for me, my daughter (best friend) and her 4 children live in the same town and we are very close. She’s a good friend to me and so I feel very fortunate and blessed to have her in my life.
Blessings to you as your relationships evolve.

@dbamos1945 Thank you for your thoughtful comment. I truly appreciate it. People do continue with their lives, and I know I need to move on as well; it just all happened so fast and my life got turned upside down. I’m efforting to make the most of it.
I’m grateful for this community. It helps to not feel so alone. 🤗

@mm180 Thank you for your thoughtful comment. I agree that ‘quality’ is more important than ‘quantity’ when it comes to friends. It sounds like you have a great community, and with extended family that helps a lot. I also took a hit when I had to leave my job early at 61, and relocate across the country to care for mother. Most friends faded fast. But if I’m honest with myself, I have no energy left to socialize anyway. Fortunately, there are communities like this one where people can share and I find it helpful- thank you!