in my 70's and even cialis doesn't help

@rich72
Thanks for the info. Flomax makes me tired as well and that is almost three months on it. My urologist did suggest having the TURP procedure and I am seriously considering it, if nothing else to get of the medication. My real reservation to turp is ED and incontinence. Even with Flomax I still get up twice a night and sometimes but not as often as I used to, 3 and 4 times. It’s a real pain in the derrière.

An erection is a complicated action requiring that all systems have a green light. I think we have a tendency not to factor in the importance of the emotional element, as the physical are more easily experienced that is touching, caressing etc. If we feel rejected and it doesn’t have to be overt, our bodies will react, no green light. In my humble opinion we must take our time to get those “green lights” so that we are ready for the finish line. Even if we don’t get there the trip was fun. Enjoy each other in all facets of your relationship as the journey is short from where I sit. I write this simply because having read what many of the folks are dealing with, I think any pleasure that one can have in a relationship is worth the effort.

I think the original question was a mix of ED and wife’s loss of libido, to quote: “since she no longer wants to have sex.”
We seem to be concentrating on treating the ED, which is, mostly, very treatable. Loss of libido in a partner is not easily treated and can led to real sexual frustration.
Forgive me if I am wrong, but I think frustration is the deeper issue in spanishwiz04’s post.
A temptation to cheat on his spouse was a clear issue and this could damage relationships or even destroy his marriage.
This is not healthy and so advice on how to get sexual satisfaction within his circumstances is, perhaps, a better way forward than suggestions he use Viagra, Levitra et al. Of course, if spanishwiz04 can get an erection then manual masturbation does become possible.
I personally know the difficulties of sexual frustration when a spouse loses all desire and I have, with her knowledge and agreement found a solution within marriage.
Also, grandmira has good advice here.

@ivan13za you are absolutely right - there are two parts to the question. First is managing an erection. I had a prostatectomy 7 years ago and didn’t have many decent erections until I was introduced to Trimix earlier this year. That problem is solved for me! Having a partner who for whatever reason is not interested, is a completely separate issue. Sounds like the horse is halfway out of the barn if you’ve already had conversations with other women. I would strongly urge talking to your partner about what you need and what she might be willing to engage in. A couples therapist or one specializing in sexual issues would be helpful.

Get tri mix

Go for it , but if you’re serious try injections if you can’t get big enough for penetration which I experience after prostate surgery not worth a divorce and humiliation

It comes down to how important it is for you. Some men get results with pills, some with injections like Trimix, and some are ecstatic with implants. It took me a while to consider Trimix, but so glad I did. The needle is not an issue once you do it a couple times. I couldn’t do the implant. Not that important to me.

I find myself in a similar situation and here is what I have found so far: The chemistry of what is going on is not simple so you must study the facts: First pay your local blood test lab for a Men's hormonal health test. (This was $200 at my location.) And now I know a lot more about what is going on. The test must include Free testosterone, Total testosterone, SHBG (sex hormone binding globulin), estradiol and prolactin. I found I have higher than normal SHBG and Estradiol. By asking Google AI I learned that this is common for men over 70 and the estradiol is likely the culprit in reduction of hardness since my free T is upper mid range. The estradiol comes from total T being partially converted by the action of the Aromatase enzyme. There are several natural substances and drugs that will reduce the production of estradiol. I am hopeful by taking these it will solve my problem.

Now about the other half of your problem, your partner. My wife started complaining in her 60s that sex was painful because of common age-related vaginal dryness. I kept reading that estrodial cream would fix that problem but she would not beleive me. Finally 2 years ago her (old) male doctor retired and she got a female doc who said that the old theory that hormone replacement caused cancer is now de-bunked (I read that too). She prescribed that she use a vaginal cream twice a week. It corrected the problem within a month! She now has clitoral orgasams much more easily too, within minutes (my fingers) So now I have to catch up.
As far as women's libido, please look up an article by By Susan Dominus in the Oct. 22, 2025 New York Times titled "I’m on Fire’: Testosterone Is Giving Women Back Their Drive — and Then Some" It is a real eye opener! Even wearing a testosterone patch once or twice a week might bring back her libido!