Orders me around

Gosh, I feel for you and I don't know what I would do if I had the same situation. Can you bring some companion help in during the day, that can listen to his orders and respond, so you have a break. Maybe changing the dynamic, where you don't give him the opportunity to be so co-dependent on you, and to where you can get out of the house more often, will help. So you show him, you're just not going to be there for all his demands - especially during the time he is so demanding. The other thing, can you structure the time every morning or mid day where you take a break and help fix his IT mess he's in. At least that's what I have to do. Organized fixing his IT so every crisis he has doesn't put you in a tailspin where you're having to repeatedly jump up, stop what you're doing, to engage in his repeated IT crisis. When he tells you "you'd better do something" I think - easy said than done, you have to take your power back, and tell him you will help him at the end of your work day, when you have the time. As for the water, get him a very large water thermos, and keep it filled. Let him fill it. If he's able to walk to the dinner table, he's able to fill his water bottle. If he starts eating before you sit down, don't put his plate down. Plate both plates with food at the same time, and carry them over. This way, you both eat togther (if that's what you want). I hope this is sage advice where you can at least get some relief from one of the ideas. Subtly change what and how you are doing things, to figure a way to make it easier and "kinder" for you............BEst, Karla

This is tough Karla. He is putting you in a terrible situation. My husband yelled me on and off for seven years. Until I finally had to moved out
Flash forward…. He has finally gotten a dementia and AD diagnosed. Now he is nice again. ( That may seem like a good thing but any personality change, even for the better, does not signal that something “good” is occurring. It is often a result of additional brain changes
We live separately and are lucky to have the resources to do so; he is in assisted living. Personality changes are so common . But he is constantly asking me to fix his app or get into the checking account because he forgets how to do so.
I don't fight his desire to get these things done but I simple push them off. I will let him know I will help him later, and then he forgets about it
Threatening divorce is not your husband “talking”. It is the disease. Let him talk. Let him yell. Tell him also that he is being very unkind and you will not stand for that. Also know that you are not going to be able to meet all of his needs the moment he has a demand. No one could possibly do that. Will it stop the yelling? Probably not. But at least you have let him know your boundaries.

I feel for us all. There’s great advice here.

I have the same type of interactions with my husband. He needs a lot of help working with his devices and also makes a lot of statements about things that need to be done. He assumes that I will do all of the things he mentions. I have gotten smarter about doing what I need to do on my own timetable. I also encourage him to accomplish the activities he is capable of doing on his own.

It is exhausting.

I'm reading this entire thread and I'm thinking - which probably isn't good to post, that I told my husband the other day when he was irritated and nasty (and grabbed the keys away from me) I was going to bash his head in if he talked to me like that again. He may not remember, but one thing is for sure. He did hear what I said, because he raised his eye brows, and his head moved back, and he sat perfectly quiet. I'm not suggested that every caregiver out here, be that verbally "graphic" but we need to STAND OUR GROUND. Best, Karla

Regarding the phones and computer problems, at first my husband used to say that he needed a new phone, computer because his was not working. He messed up his computer by making changes and not remembering that he had done so. He eventually gave up on the computer and the phone. Having taken several courses on dementia and learned so much, I realized that my husband has lost the ability to "sequence". Which practically speaking means that he cannot remember the correct order of steps he needs to take to get where he wants on his computer or his phone. His friends now know that his phone number is no longer active nor his email address. So when they want to say hi to him they call my number and I give them an update and hand him the phone. He is only capable of a few standard responses. " yes, no, I'm OK" I haven't seen him laugh in a long time.

Hello- i am very sorry to hear about how your husband has been treating you. I too have a husband who is unconcerned about my feelings. He says and does things that break my heart and when i try to address it he reacts by getting angry, defensive, and determined to not allow himself to be accountable. When i explain that he hurts my feelings he tells me that he does not deal in feelings, only facts— so my feelings are wrong. It knocks the very wind out if me— its so harsh— so unlike he used to be— and although i have been trying to find a way to insulate myself from the pain of it all…i have not yet been successful. My husband has not been diagnosed yet— and hes already doing things like this— i am hoping it is a stage that will pass in time.
This isnt your fault— itsvthe disease taking over— and just know that you are not aline in this— you have people like us who truely care about you and what you are going through.. hold on my friend— this too shall pass and something new will come, but hopefully the ‘new’ will be softer and more kind to you. Sending many hugs .

This is in response to minniem’ post but thanks and hugs to ocdogmom, rebeccagrover, kjc48, grandma Joan, and civvy-I see parts of our lives in all of your posts, and thank you all for being here. I do see a psychiatrist, but I feel the support and care given in this group is far more helpful…as you are all going on the same path as I, and you are here when I look for “my people” each morning.
Thanks for all the tips you’ve given minniem. Much of what has been written in this thread is helpful to me, and, I suspect to others as well. I am at the point of wanting to take away the credit cards, and also get take-out for dinner every night. My husband used to do all the dinner cooking. I think the “sequencing” part of this awful disease has happened to him also…as he no longer can do much at that time of day, tho he still fixes his breakfast and lunch. No matter what I do, there is always at least on complaint about the dinner food. And on to “devices”, there is always an app or some “crisis” that I need to stop what I’m doing and fix. Like someone else said, he always fixed anything computer-related both here and at his office, but now struggles, and I wish he would just STOP looking at the computer and iPad. I meant this to be thanking you all and sounding grateful (which I certainly am!!!), not rant, so for that I apologize. Thanks for being here, everyone! It means a lot.

I am reading all of these posts and finding all things - solidarity, relief, compassion, sorrow, understanding, and more.
Thank you for the advice. I have tried some of it before this post, but it is worth a second or even third try.
Sending all of you peace and love. As Ringo says. 💕

minniem,
From your description of your daily routine, you definitely need help. However, having never dealt with, plus not knowing anyone else who has dealt with the disease which your husband is suffering , I'm definitely in no position to give advice, nor even suggestions as to how you might go about making changes in your relationship - other than to say... maybe find some professional help.

It's not clear from your post if you blame your husband's illness for his actions -or does he also suffer from some form of dementia? If it's the latter, all I can say is that if it were my wife - I only wish that she were still with me ordering me around!

@2me thank you for acknowledging many of us in this thread, (me included, I appreciate that). I respond back because so many of you have helped me, and I truly appreciate that, too. As for the takeout food, you may be referencing either restaurant, if not, go to the convenience section of your grocery store. You can purchase already made breaded chicken breasts (and sauce them at home with store bought marinara and melted cheese). Reheat them first, in an oven until warm and crisp. Some of your good seafood markets, have fresh fish prepared (for two). If you do the chicken, after you've heated the breaded filets, take a baking sheet and pur marina and put cheese on top. heat the breaded filets until crisp, then take baking sheet pour marina and mozzarella cheese on top. Once the cheese melts, you'll see it slides right off the tray onto your crisp filet. Welcome, chicken parmesan, and the added perk, leftovers you can freeze it. This isn't meant to be a cooking lesson, this morning, but I'm doing a lot of convenience (from a good grocery or seafood market who already does prepared food). Rotisserie chickens are great too, etc. The fact that your husband fixes breakfast and lunch give you some reprieve. Meals can be a pain when not prepared. As for the tech devices, I know, I'm battling the same thing. We were hacked into in 2024, so I worry constantly about him clicking on things, he shouldn't be on. That's the biggest thing here for me. That and trying quietly (but strongly) taking over the bills, that he keeps telling me he needs to do. Oh, boy........PS, in all this confusion, Mother's Day, he gave me a card, that read, I'm so grateful that the sweet, supportive woman I love is also such a strong one." We never know what's going on in this mindful journey. Best, Karla