A Path I Never Chose

Posted by ShellyGrayWings @shellyk89, 1 day ago

My heart is so damn heavy I can barely breathe around it. It’s not just sadness. It’s grief, it’s rage, it’s this crushing weight that shows up every morning when I wake up and remember, oh yeah, I’m still sick. I’m still losing.

It’s one step forward and two steps back, and I’m so tired of falling. With my DNA markers changing, and being triple negative, I don’t even get the same chances most people do. Starting out at stage 4, I have no chance of a cure. My fight has to be uglier. More aggressive. My body doesn’t get the “standard” options. It gets the desperate ones. And I’m the one who has to live in it, feel every side effect, feel every hope get ripped away.

I had a good scan. God, I had a good scan. For a few days I let myself be hopeful. I smiled without forcing it. I made plans in my head. I let myself believe. Then the next scan came. It’s in my neck now. My chest. It’s spreading. Just like that. Right after I let my guard down. The crash from that kind of hope is violent. It knocked the air out of me. The sparkle in my eyes didn’t fade, It went out. I saw it die in the mirror and I couldn’t do a thing to stop it.

I’ve been smiling an being hopeful for so long I forgot what it feels like to just break down. I say “I’m okay.” I make jokes in the infusion room. All because I can’t stand the idea of the people I love hurting because of me. I’d rather choke on my own pain than see it on their faces. But I can’t do it anymore. I’m not okay. I’m not strong. I’m not brave. I’m a 36 year old woman who is terrified and furious and so, so sad. Nothing is going how I planned. Not one thing. And I hate it. I hate this body. I hate these scans. I hate that hope feels like a trap now.

I’m scared in a way I didn’t know a person could be scared. It’s bone deep. It’s every-cell-in-my-body scared. Because this isn’t a bad chapter. This feels like the end of the book, and nobody asked me if I was ready to close it. I keep screaming “why me” into the dark and the dark just swallows it. No answer. No reason. Just this. This path I never would have chosen. This path that’s chewing me up and spitting me out. Over and over again.

My body hurts in languages I don’t even have words for. Fire. Lead. Lightning. Empty. And then there’s the other pain, the one that lives in my soul. The one that happens when it’s quiet and I realize nobody, nobody, can feel this the way I do. It’s the loneliest thing I’ve ever known. I’m trapped inside a body that declared war on me, with a mind that keeps replaying every dream I won’t get to live.

So if I’m mean, I’m sorry. If I’m distant, I’m sorry. If I don’t make sense, if I snap, if I go completely silent for days, or just start crying out of no where...please don’t take it personal. I’m drowning. I’m grieving my own life while I’m still in it. I’m mourning a future that was supposed to be mine. Some days the anger is the only thing keeping me warm because everything else feels so cold.

I don’t understand. I don’t accept it. And I am so tired of pretending I’m some warrior. Most days I’m just a broken, terrified human who wants a cure she wont get. Who wants to stop counting tumors and start laughing again.

I had to get this out of my head. My head is a dangerous neighborhood right now and I can’t live there alone anymore. So I thank everyone who comments on my posts!

If you care about me, if you hear me stay. Even when I’m so hard to deal with. Even when I’m not the me you remember. Thank you for witnessing this with me. Thank you for not looking away. This is as real as it gets. I’m doing the best I can with a heart that’s shattered and a body that won’t stop taking things from me. I tried so hard to stay ten toes down I swear I heard "wow your so positive". "Your a inspiration". Until now, and I'm so sorry I let the light in me burn out.

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Cancer: Managing Symptoms Support Group.

rashida | @rashida | 21 hours ago

@shellyk89 I feel for you. I am going to keep you in my prayers. I believe prayer is powerful. Prayer may or may not heal you physically but it definitely can heal you spiritually. I am praying that you will feel in your heart the presence of God and His peace that is beyond understanding.

“If the mountain seems too big today

then climb a hill instead

if the morning brings you sadness
it's ok to stay in bed

if the day ahead weighs heavy

and your plans feel like a curse

there's no shame in rearranging

don't make yourself feel worse

if a shower stings like needles

and a bath feels like you'll drown

if you haven't washed your hair for days

don't throw away your crown
a day is not a lifetime

a rest is not defeat

don't think of it as failure

just a quiet, kind retreat

it's ok to take a moment

from an anxious, fractured mind

the world will not stop turning

while you get realigned

the mountain will still be there

when you want to try again

you can climb it in your own time

just love yourself til then.”

dbamos1945 | @dbamos1945 | 20 hours ago

@shellyk89: I’ve been reading your posts for awhile. Since no one is in your shoes I can’t say “I understand”, but with stage 4 Neuroendocrine cancer metastasized to liver, those thoughts and words you write do have meaning to me. I wish that I had the power to infuse you with a big helping of love, peace and acceptance of where you are on this journey called life. We all come into this world alone and not one of us will make it out alive.
For understanding we cannot realize, we have been told our prognosis has limited time ahead. The rest of the world is not guaranteed a long lovely life but lives everyday expecting they will live forever. We now know they are the lucky ones… as they make future plans, goals and expectations for a better life to come. They don’t have to carry our burdens and can remain in a “Polly-Anna world”. They can be oblivious to PAIN and complain about frivolous hang-nail discomforts of life.
I wish I could click my heels and grant you time to live life deliriously happy and satisfied ‘til you are old and grey like me. If it helps you, please know I care how you are feeling. I would love to bake some cookies and share a pot of tea with you… sharing many laughs, tears, rage or any of the human emotions we have all bottled up inside. I want you to open your heart and consider the goodness you see today. Maybe take a walk around your yard and let the beauty of nature clear the sadness out of your soul.
We have NO CONTROL over much that happens to our bodies, we only have control over how we REACT.
Rubyslippers I send you my very best thoughts & will keep you close in my heart. You will never be alone.
I am here. Bette dbamos1945

celia16 | @celia16 | 15 hours ago

@shellyk89 , what a powerful post! I’m so sorry that you are going through this. You’re right. It’s not fair, right or acceptable. I don’t understand how it happens….and, I’ve never understood why a person who has a major illness must be a warrior. I’m not in your situation so can’t say I understand. I can say that you are heard. I do hear your pain and frustration. I don’t have advice except to keep on posting. I’ll look forward to your updates. Sending positive thoughts for your day ahead.

56tburd | @56tburd | 14 hours ago

I have nothing to offer but encouragement that you continue to write as long as you can. I've lost two siblings to cancer, both waiting for the end without the words to express what they were going through. You've given them a voice and me an understanding that was missing in my own journey. I only wish I had read this while they were still here. Thank you, and I hope you find peace in your journey.

juliet1211 | @juliet1211 | 13 hours ago

I have no words that can take your pain away, Shelly. My cancer is not curable but slow spreading. I am much older so I have nothing to complain about. I have lived my life. I find solace in thanking God that it's me and not my kids or grandkids. My sister recently died from leukemia. She was told it was curable but then it wasn't. Her daughter died from cancer who was young. Are we all on this time clock? How much do we fight? All personal decisions we have to make for ourselves. I lean into my beliefs that God is in charge 🙏 I pray your path becomes less stressful. Do what you need to do for yourself, not what you think you have to do. Anger and hopeless feelings are absolutely okay some days. It's your journey. Make it a journey you're okay with. Own the cancer. Don't let it own you.

nycmusic | @nycmusic | 12 hours ago

You are in the prayers of all of us here…your journey is incredibly hard…write about it as much as you need…all we can do is read and let you know that you matter….and my hope is that, here and there you will find things, even little things that give you some better moments, some joy… and that you can share love with those around you and feel love.