96 YO Mother fall questions

@gently I was just rereading a few of these posts and this one struck me as interesting as the issue here seems to be interpreted as a matter of choosing sides. It reminded me of a time in my past when I was involved in our local union. I handled disputes with our employer for many years. Some went to arbitration where I assisted lawyers who were familiar with labor law and our collective bargaining agreement. The majority of cases approved to spend the money on the arbitration procedure (it was expensive), were disciplinary, mostly discharge or lengthy suspension.
Sometimes arbitrators tried to split the baby. For instance return a worker back to the job but received no back pay or imposed restrictions for future violations. I guess in some ways I've based my mother's end of life years entirely by its effect on my wife and me. I mean some of the situations can be compromised. When @edsutton says I'm only trying to control her life but I genuinely care for her, there is the compromise. Mom is definitely controlling her own life. I've previously admitted I'm helpless in forcing her give up driving for instance. She decides everything about her daily meals, hygiene, how she spends her money and what she finds entertaining like online and TV. I'm more like a boy Friday.
The odd thing about the will is she believes it's what keeps me on her leash. In fact it's becoming the opposite. If I had the choice to walk away right now without her estate, I might just do it. It's a nice chunk of money, not an easy thing to turn my back on. I'm running low on my own end of life timetable. I talked to her a couple hours ago. My daughter raises chickens and last night we picked up some eggs. Mom loves those eggs, her voice changed, and when I told her we'd be dropping them off tomorrow I could feel her appreciation through the phone. My wife and I aren't going anywhere regardless of the will. I like the middle ground and have been blessed with being able to usually some.

woojr,
we only hear your side of the story.
And the story you 've told is of a delightfully, independent woman who simply isn't handicapped by what other's think she can't do.
There may be more. She may be treacherously and manipulative, but you haven't told that story. The "power struggle" you describe is about your caring and worry for her. And her vitality and success in maintaining the things that keep her happy.
Even when you say that she crawled through the snow up to her front door. Rather amusingly , you add the comments about yourself--falling in that same snow.
You say that she goes to the wrong door and then proceed to say that the delivery person was placing the packages at the side door. So really the delivery person is placing the packages at the wrong door.
You don't leave these details untold.

You don't brag about the myriad ways you and your wife help your mom. It is impossible to repay our moms even small portion of what they have done for us.
I see healthy dynamict in your posts. Though I hope your mom never falls under your desired restrictions, I also hope (and think) you are predominant in the will she won't show you.
Ha, ha, you tell her to arrange her own funeral.
Cheers and blessings to all three of you.

Maybe I was just lucky but my mom lived to see her 101st birthday. I think she would have made it to 102 if she didn't fall and seriously bruise her hip, because two weeks later she had a stroke and two days after that she passed away in her sleep. That was nearly five years ago. She lived with me for 30 years and then with my sister for the last ten. She could be stubborn by not admitting her growing limitations as she aged and she would occasionally argue with my sister over things but they never had a serious disagreement. It probably helped that she never learned to drive a car. The biggest argument was probably getting her to wear a hearing aid. She was sharp as a tack right to the end. She knew what was going on in my town before I did even though I lived 45 minutes away. She never missed sending out a birthday card to anyone in our large extended family and always followed that up with a phone call. I still miss her tremendously and I wish I was able to spend more time with her. There's several restaurants that bring back wonderful memories of her because her favorite kind of visit included going out for either lunch or dinner. I still feel anger over covid stealing that pleasure from her for the last year plus of her life. I can honestly say that I have very few bad memories, with the worst one seeing the look in her eyes after her stroke. Her greatest fear was surviving for an extended period of time in that condition. I think that might be a fear for many of us as we age.

@gently Just one thing. Is your opinion that I should or should not expect her to be involved in planning her funeral?

Thank you for the good wishes.

@woojr If you and your wife have considered yourself - it is as it should be. The life and time you have left to enjoy it are every bit as important as your mother’s. Seems to me you have been gracious in helping care for her.
Taking care of my husband’s aunt nearly broke us, my husband and I would get into disagreements when it never would have happened if we didn’t have to deal with the situations that came up.
We did have her pay for the things she asked for. We figured if her money ran out we’d end up supporting her anyway, so she might as well use her money. My husband asked her to add him on her checking account so he could pay her bills. He had to facilitate that or it would never have happened - but she willingly agreed.
I’m now the caretaker for my disabled sister. I’m trying to shield my husband from having to get too involved. I know he’s concerned about the toll its taking on me, and in turn our time together.
Inherited money could never repay for these years (although there is no money to inherit in my situation).
We do what we do for family, because we love them. Just doing the best we can.

@woojr, we both know it's up to her. It is fairly rare for someone one to be involved in planning their own funeral.
She might not be (you know) planning to die.

Definite a concern.

I would ask for a referral to a PT and OT evaluation where they can put a better finger on those fall risks and give her some pointers. Sometimes information comes better from professionals and not family. If you are close to Mayo Rochester, they do a great job with these evaluations there.

The other thing I might consider is a walker. The option anyway. It lowers the fall risk when carrying things because you can put them on the walker seat. Provides stability and also a place to sit if she gets winded or tired or feels dizzy etc.. She can still use her cane too but the walker gives her options when she needs them and she might find it really helpful.

So for us , because Mom isnt good with a cell phone and isnt going to wear an emergency button... we have google speakers in all the rooms. Just the regular speakers you buy in stores and we have her lights set up on them , the TV etc.. so she can tell lights to turn on and off etc.. but we also have calling set up on them so if she were to fall, she could simply just say " Hey google call ( name ) " and google will dial our devices.

We also put Blink cameras up in rooms and if we ae concerned, we can turn them on and check each room and can talk to her through the camera if needed.

The final thing we did was get a blink doorbell. Its Blinks version of the ring. We didnt hook it up on the door but gave it to her like a call light instead. She keeps it in her walker seat and by her bed at night and if she pushes it it rings our devices and we can talk to her through it.

You are correct that the throw rugs need to go. They are a huge fall risk and I suspect if she is tripping on these that she is not picking up her feet well and perhaps shuffling . The walker could give her stability and help catch her if she trips a little.

I will point out with the google speakers , Mom has gotten used to asking it questions too. Everything from the weather to when the Model T came out to phone numbers for places,.. you name it.

We would be lost without google speakers and our cameras.

Good Luck, I hope you can find a way to improve the situation that everyone can agree on. 🙂

Some great ideas. In fact I'm doing some myself, like the cameras and Echo speakers with Amazon's AI girl.

Mom is actually doing very well with her balance and walking. She's been using one of those motorized cycling gadgets. She's up to a 1000 revolutions a day. Her BP has been better the last few weeks. She struggles with getting enough fluids. She has a thing about not drinking if she's not thirsty.

Thank you for writing.

@crabby55, yes and in some cases the elderly adult calls a lawyer. Adult children are often surprised that this person they call mom or dad actually has rights.

@gently or in my case it is my husband. His license was revoked in January. He thinks he will get it reinstated. He's not very communicative so it will be interesting to see how far he takes this. He used to be very logical but in his depression that has gone out the window. Fortunately his depression makes him a great procrastinator so that could work in my favor. Yes, life would be easier if he drove but at what expense. While in our driveway his foot accidentally hit the accelerator and he went thru the neighbors hedge. Fortunately this didn't happen in a shopping center.